Amber alert: Perez Hilton is missing

What the ... ?!?! Perez Hilton is missing in action. Girl, there is nothing on television and I am too broke to be drinking out of the house and my dealer won't come by this late and Mister Offender isn't horny. I need you right now! Perez, I hope all is okay. If you need money, I'll turn tricks for you in the meatpacking, just like the old days!
If you need some fixing up, here's a nice male nurse to get you through.