Manhattan Offender

Do you like to potty?

The city has signed an agreement that will add 20 public toilets to New York streets.  The toilets will be in place by the end of next year, but in case you can't wait until then, a few recommendations:

• Splash (or SBNY) on 17th Street has great stalls that lead to a trough.  If it is early and there is no cover, just walk in the door and head immediately down the stairs on the right.
• Filene's Basement on Union Square:  Suprisingly still clean, considering the masses in the park across the street.
• The Slide:  There is much to say about the open trough-style urinal.  Not for the pee-shy.

Places to avoid:

• Starbucks (all locations):  If the line doesn't kill you, something growing inside will.
• McDonalds/Wendy's (all):  Any place that requires a key to the bathroom expects you to make a purchase.
• Coming 2006, NYC public toilets:  Expect these to go from new to nightmarish within 24 hours of opening.

Any additions welcome.

Martha Tyra Martha Tyra Tyra

Through the magic of Tivo (okay, DVR actually, but Tivo sounds so much nicer) my night lined up like this:
Martha: Martha introduces the new cast members of her new reality show and makes them cook a dinner.
The Tyra Banks Show: Tyra introduces the past cast members of her reality show and makes them do some runway.
Martha Stewart - the Apprentice: Premiere! Challenge: Write a children's book. Forgettable male eliminated.
America's Next Top Model: Premiere! Finalists chosen
America's Next Top Model: Bonus! Challenge: Fly through the air and be fierce. Forgettable female eliminated.

Gayest night ever or lamest night ever? Both.

The Times guide to public gay sex

The Times Metro section today presents A Sex Stop on the Way Home which claims to be an expose of a gay parking lot scene in Cunningham Park in Queens, but it seems to be a poor attempt at a guide to "getting your gay on". The article is chock full of tips of where to cruise for public gay sex.

Not only listing the park featured in the article, the Times promises you action ranging "from the scene in Astoria Park to the gay bars serving Central and South Americans in Jackson Heights". Not far enough out on Long Island? The Times has you covered:

"Long Island spots include Two Mile Hollow Beach in East Hampton, the Field 6 parking lot at Jones Beach, a rest stop near Exit 52 on the Long Island Expressway and the park-and-ride lot on Route 110 in Melville."

Even little Manhattan has "such traditional pickup spots as the woods of the Ramble in Central Park and the piers of the West Village".

(Piers of the West Village? Was Al Pacino a source on this story?)

Secret cutting

Guy at shop counter, commenting on guy that has just left the shop:  "Man.  The guy before you, in the designer suit and the perfect hair?  He's, like two years younger than me.  I feel like a total burnout."

Manhattan Offender:  "Who, that guy?  Sure, he's got money, but I hear he's got a major problem. [makes slashing motions on wrist, brings voice to conspiratorial whisper] 'Secret Cutting'."

La Ofensor Mexicana

After two long years of only being able to travel for the sake of family, in-laws, or the whims of others, a vacation is booked that meets my criteria:  beach, booze, and boys.  From September 30 to October 10, the la familia Ofensor will be staying in a huge villa on a gay beach in Puerto Vallarta.  Now yes, Costa Rica would be more chic (and cheaper, actually) but the weather was a bit chilly there; and yes, the Brazil option was out there, but it didn't seem like we could do that trip in enough style.

So onward to Puerto Vallarta to the Blue Chairs Beach Resort.  If research pans out it should be just enough camp, just enough nightlife, just enough seclusion, just enough gay to make for a great birthday (October 2, biotches) vacation.

Okay, I give

No, really.  Someone explain Floating Island to Travel Around Manhattan Island.  It is the most purposeless thing, perhaps ever. 

Unless the purpose is to evoke nothing, leaving the mind wondering in a void of definition, and in searching for significance in the unreachable observed, perhaps finding deeper level of meaning within one's reachable self.

But I doubt it.

My confessions on a dance floor

So, yes, here it is, the obligatory shot of the new Madonna album, Confessions on a Dance Floor. Rather than hear the expected "O m i g o d g o n n a b e s o f e e e i r c e ! N o b a l l a d s s o y o u k n o w w h o i s t a k i n g t h e d a y o f f w o r k w h e n t h a t s h i t h i t s ! G u r l c a l l t h e d e a l e r a n d m a k e a r e s e r v a t i o n !" crystal-esque rants, would you rather hear an actual confession from a dance floor?

It's 1992 in New York and Manhattan Offender had just arrived, lucky enough to have two amazing roommates, Lady Jane and Lady Ann, who took this closeted corn-fed homo under their wing. One fine night, a new restaurant had opened in Soho. Jane and Ann dressed me, coifed me and shoed me so that I could at least get through the door. Once inside, drinks flowed, smoke wafted, music thumped, feet moved, hips swayed and time flew. Post-Boom, I found myself separated from Jane and Ann at Save the Robots furthering my adult education.

The next day I reconnected with my roommates; they waking up and I arriving home. Laughs and hoots accompanied the stories from the night before; one of which I'll never forget. My memory was fuzzy, but Ann reminded me of dancing after the chairs had been swept away. Jane reminded me that a huge line of people, myself included, were doing the bump (yes, the bump, not a bump). Then Ann looked me in the eye and said the words I may never forget, "And you, mister, your first real night on the town and you're doing the bump with Madonna."

JewPod?

A billboard image presents a distinct look with a white figure dancing on a black background. Obviously, the image is immediately evocative of an ipod ad, with what appears to be a traditionally garbed jewish man jamming out, perhaps to a song from "Fiddler on the Roof". The fear of course hits that Apple has gone deist, with the debut of 'jewpod'. Surely christpods, buddahpods, and islamapods will be soon to follow.

The actual purpose of the image is revealed by the adjoining billboard text promoting the annual Chabad "To Life" Telethon supporting Chabad-Lubavitch, a west-coast based, jewish organization with charitable support centers. Whether the similarity between the telethon image and the ipod campaign images is coincidence or not would require, well, research, but regardless, it certainly catches the eye.

Tribeca, how the mighty have fallen

Starting this weekend and running through October 30 at the TriBeCa Performing Arts Center, the Moscow Cats Theater features 26 cats performing acrobatic and dance numbers such as "Cats from Outer Space" and "Queen of the Cats". From Russia with love, indeed.

Ah, Tribeca. Former home of art and el Teddy's. Iconic locale of Bright Lights, Big City. And now? The home to a potpourri of performing pussies.

(And thank you to the New York Times for keeping us abreast of this theatric marvel: Roll Over, 'Cats.' The Real Thing Is Here. (includes a slideshow!))

Girly Forties

Offender: "He's pretty good looking for an older guy. How old do you think he is?"
Mr. Offender: "Him? I'd say he's in his girly forties"