Manhattan Offender

CNN's Rick Sanchez: Thanksgiving Turkey

A segment on the meals being served to the troops in Iraq mentions that the dessert options include assorted pies, ice cream, and fruitcake. A weather segment follows during which the squirrels on the little wheels of substitute anchor Rick Sanchez's little mind run furiously. Following the segment, Sanchez has what he thinks is a classic; turning to the weather reporter, he asks, "Hey, Jackie, do you know the official military policy on fruitcake? ... Don't ask, don't tell!" Sanchez guffaws while Soledad O'Brien grants him a disapproving stare.

Now this joke would be mildly funny if delivered by, say, Coco Peru. Perhaps an analogy will be more illustrative though: Sanchez poking fun at discrimination of gays is like me telling jokes about the Mariella boat lift to Cuban-heritaged Sanchez, or hurricane-victim jokes to former Miami-native Sanchez, or jokes about substitute anchors to just-not-ready-to-helm-a-show Rick Sanchez.

Poll: Most New Yorkers are out of their minds

NY1 reports today that of New Yorkers polled, most would not want Mayor Bloomberg as a guest for Thanksgiving.

Despite his resounding re-election victory, a new Quinnipiac University poll finds most New York City voters would not like to have Thanksgiving dinner with Mayor Michael Bloomberg. According to Quinnipiac, 53 percent of those polled said they would not invite the mayor to their dinner table. ... Quinnipiac surveyed almost 900 registered city voters for this poll.

Proving that at least 53 percent of registered city voters are out of their minds.  The mere concept of what type of hostess gift he would bring is salivation inducing.  The man is one of the top philanthropists in the nation (not even during election years)!  When he sees that hovel you are living in, he's going to want to do something about it.

So, Mayor Bloomberg, as you are scrolling through the Technorati hits of your name this afternoon and come across this one, please accept the invitation of the Offender household to come over to dinner on Thanksgiving, or anytime.  (Actually, anytime is better for us; we'll be in Virginia for Thanksgiving.)

Similar:Bloomberg's welcome, so long as he does the dishes (Jossip)

The Manhattan Offender Interview: Rich, the blogger

Number eleven in a series.

1. What's your secret to staying so beautiful?
   Haterade, mostly. For youthfulness, I find eating the souls of Brooklyn indiescum is effective, but you gotta be careful not to get dirty hair in your mouth. That hazard makes the greasy MisShapes set best avoided. Who needs the cholesterol, anyway?
2. Is it true what the tabloids are saying about your relationship?
   No. What is this a blizzard that I can't have money in my pocket and people not talk about me? This world is a trip, I don't know what's going on these days. Got this person over here talking about me, this person. Hey, listen, let me tell you something: it's my prerogative, I can do what I wanna do. I made this money, you didn't.
3. This new project of yours is certainly taking everyone by surprise. Tell us about it.
   I've just been inhaling really deeply, holding it in as long as possible and trying to cough after every hit. That shit gets you fucked up!
4. Who are you wearing?
   Karl Kani and Cross Colours – but never together.
5. Would you ever do a role that required nudity?
   No, but I'm fine with the illusion of nudity. Sorry, ladies: my balls, my boyfriend.

You can learn more about Rich at his website . (Be sure to check there every Thursday or Friday for the America's Next Top Model recaps. Essential.)

Hotties are determined to kill you

"Friends. Neighbors. Husbands. Hotties. Terrorists." So reads the tag line for Showtime's new series, Sleeper Cell. Yeah, okay, "Hotties" is not really part of the tag line, but look at these guys. Even the Andy Richter-looking dude is passable. It makes one wonder if their birka-clad wives and girlfriends will be portrayed by Ali Larter, Gabrielle Union, Michelle Trachtenberg and (special guest star) Heather Locklear.

Granted, nothing was read on the Showtime website in the preparation of this post. Maybe there is some riveting story behind Sleeper Cell, but having been faced with a billboard or some other advertisement of the hottie terrorists almost every day for the past two weeks, the concept just isn't working for me. Terrorists, it seems, typically aren't hot. See Osama, Richard Reid et al. Maybe Jose Padilla if I were drunk and it was his birthday. But, no, Showtime, whatever the premise of your show, it fails on the basic fact that your actors are too cute. (Especially Mr. Shaved Head on the right. Yowza.)

A Crobar Sunday

Going out on a Saturday night can be a drain. Sometimes you just want to sleep in, wake up on Sunday morning, and then head out to the club. In this case, the club is Crobar. Victor Calderone is spinning. Arrival time, 9:30 am; departure, 3:15 p.m. The crowd, um, diverse. The floor, in need of a thorough sweeping.

You really have to go to understand. Or just take a look: Crobar Sunday Offender-Cam gallery.

The Manhattan Offender Yard Sale

Taking the winter clothes out of storage and putting the skanky summer items away brings one thing to mind: "Time to edit, gurl." With the memory of my midwestern mom handing me a roll of masking tape and encouraging me to price the toys and books that I no longer wanted, it bothered me that, sans yard or garage, my ability to sell these things is limited. Then I remembered Ebay. Though I hadn't been to the site in a long while, it was still a fast and simple process to post. Voila! The Manhattan Offender Yard Sale is in full effect!

Keep warm

Now that it is cold outside, we can finally take a fond look back at summer.

(Yes, MO is running a repeat today.  Possibly maybe on Jury Duty Monday, which means, in theory, tons of time to write.)

The Manhattan Offender Interview: Sam, the writer

Number ten in a series.

1. What's your secret to staying so beautiful?
   Toothpaste facials. (But I did learn a valuable lesson recently: whitening toothpaste is just asking for a world of hurt. Or, more specifically, quarter-sized burn marks all over your face (or, as I like to call them, Colgate kisses). S to the exy!)
2. Is it true what the tabloids are saying about your relationship?
   Well, since my new exclusive deal with OK! Magazine came through, I can finally safely say that every single word is accurate. Yes, the Sammy/Dominic Monaghan/Elijah Wood sandwich did happen, and I was in fact Jake Gyllenhaal's first choice as co-star in Brokeback Mountain. But we're both tops so Ang thought the chemistry just wouldn't be right.
3. This new project of yours is certainly taking everyone by surprise. Tell us about it.
   Thanks for asking. I'm appearing in an ongoing happening I like to call "How to meet all the wrong guys and then get really drunk and sleep with stupid hotties to forget about your troubles." It's going very well. Performances are every Friday and Saturday, weather permitting. The location varies, but I try to get the word out in the local gay bars a few hours before the show starts.
4. Who are you wearing?
   Jake Gyllenhaal.
5. Would you ever do a role that required nudity?
   See #'s 3 & 4.

You can learn more about Sam at his website .

Sexy men catch bird flu, die

A world-wide pandemic has apparently killed every sexy man in the world.  Possibly the illness was spread at the 2005 Million Sexy Man March where an infected cockatoo flew amongst the crowd and was petted by every sexy man in attendance.  (You know how sexy men love a cockatoo.)

The death of almost every sexy man on the planet has had its repurcussions.  The catering order for my sixth-annual Tree Trimming Brunch has been more than halved.  Appointments are suddenly available at Nickel.  And Matthew McConaughey has been named People magazine's Sexiest Man Alive.

Not to be hating, but, um, really?  Were none of the boys from the fotologs at Made In Brazil available?  Then again, the People demographic probably doesn't really include me.

Somewhere there is a publicist out there that is going to be getting a nice holiday bonus.

Via Gawker.

Madonna mayhem

As police helicopters circled overhead, the new Madonna album was released on the world yesterday at Virgin Music Store in Union Square amongst others. But apparently the helicopters had another purpose, as inside the Virgin Mega Store, there were no wall size banners, no table of Madonna paraphernalia, no circus of Madonna drag-a-likes. Just two lowly rows of cd's. The line was apace with no horde of giggly gays. The purchase was made. Sans drama. Unfortunately.