So say you're a member of the American Family Association. You believe fervently in their agenda and follow their direction in regards to products and companies to avoid to prevent the basic human rights of those born gay destruction of the United States by those embracing the homosexual lifestyle. Here's an idea of what your daily life might be like:
You wake up filled with the glory of god, but you need a bath. Cleaning up is hard though as refuse to use Safeguard, Ivory, or Zest. Your hair goes unclean as Herbal Essences, Pantene and Pert are on the boycott list as well. That resultant dandruff won't improve either as Head & Shoulders is on the list too. Your face is showing some wear too as Neutrogena and Olay are just not christ-y enough either. So your bath is unsuccessful, but you can always hide the odor with some Sure or Secret - oh, right, you can't. You are sure that your clothes might cover up the smell, but since Tide, Gain, Febreeze and so many more are verboten, it seems that the smell is going to stay with you. Luckily your jeans are durable though; oh, but wait, Levi's are also a no go.
What you really need is something to eat. Breakfast is sort of hard since Oscar Mayer bacon and all of the Post cereals mustn't touch your lips. Maybe just a cup of coffee will start your morning right. You'd go to Starbucks, but since it is forbidden, you'll just have to have coffee at home, provided it isn't Maxwell House, Millstone, Gevalia, or HomeCafe.
That's it. You've really got to get out of the house. Granted you won't be going anywhere in a Ford (or related) vehicle. Not that there is anywhere to go since you can't go to the movies (Disney et al) and retail therapy at Walgreens, Target, and even your beloved Wal-Mart aren't available options. So stay home. Relax. Watch television. As long as it isn't NBC, ABC, ESPN, Disney Channel, Bravo, MSNBC, SoapNet, or SciFi. Even that scamp Bill O'Reilly is trouble. Better off reading, as long as it is nothing published by Time, just like that other bastion of evil, Reader's Digest.
Perhaps you should be more serious. Look at your finances, which is easy since your money is safe in your mattress and away from those devils at Citibank or Deloitte & Touche. But it's good to keep your money nearby because just in case something awful happens, you don't want to entrust those homo-crazed Allstate Insurance heathens. Check in with the kids, since they are being home-schooled to keep them safe from the PTA. Those kids are so cute, and it's too bad you can't take their picture with an Eastman Kodak devil-toy.
Such a frustrating day is bound to give you a headache, but Tylenol and St. Joseph's Aspirin are unavailable to you. A beer could totally help, but, alas, America's largest brewer, Anhueser-Busch, is just too darn fag-friendly. Maybe a little pick-me-up soda, as long as it isn't Coke or Pepsi. What you really need is a vacation, just not at Disney or Holiday Inn.
But really, we at Manhattan Offender applaud you. You are committed to boycotting all of the companies listed above, all of which the AFA condemned in the past year. Sure, you're putrid, you're life's a bore, and you are completely devoid of pleasure. At the end of the night though, when you put your head on your aromatic pillowcase you've got one thing that other's don't: a heart filled to the brim with love. The love of hating those gays.
