Today is the Great American Smokeout. Just a few notes:
If you are a smoker and you are going to quit smoking today:
- Shut up about it. No one likes a drama queen and by announcing your cessation you are really just saying, "Look at me! Look at me! I'm not sticking a stick of aged and chemically treated tobacco in my mouth today!"
- No, really, close your yap. The key to creating change in your life is not announcing it, but actually doing it. By encouraging conversation about an activity that you are planning to stop, what you are actually doing is keeping that activity at the top of your mind.
- For the last time, quit your bitching. Do not complain about the BlowPops, Tootsie Rolls, or Baby Carrots that you are now shovelling down your throat in a vain attempt to quell your oral fixation.
- If someone does ask you if you've quit, just shrug your shoulders. The person asking you is probably just wanting to catch you in failing at a later date. Cross this person off your "Festive Winter Equinox" card list and make a note to point out their next zit.
- While some will offer the advice of having a drink of water, or breathing deeply, or doing pushups when you crave a cigarette, try something different and better. Masturbate when you want a butt. And if you can have sex with someone when you're having a craving, by all means do so. Focus that frustration.
- Accept the fact that you are just a cranky bastard. Don't blame it on nicotine. Blame it on you. Cranky is a choice.
If you don't smoke:
- Keep your mouth shut about it to those who do. Not one smoker is going to hear, "Hey, did you know it's the Great American Smokeout today?" Instead they will hear, "Hey, did you know it's Be All Judgey and Butty-insky Day today."
- Do not ask your smoker friends if they have quit as you're just reminding them of what they are missing. It's like asking a pedophile if they've seen the new playground that opened at Metropolitan and Marcy. You're just frustrating them and encouraging their likelihood of lighting up.
- Do not make presents of NicoDerm, NicoGum, or NicoSnatch. Or an eight-ball. Especially not an eight-ball.
- Offer the new non-smoker some sex. They are likely to be frustrated and in need of a release. You're probably in for a treat.
- Accept the fact that your smoking friend is just a cranky bastard. Don't blame it on nicotine. Blame it on you. You choose flawed humans as friends.
