Manhattan Offender

Wifebeater Wednesdays: Andrew

Name:  Andrew a.k.a. Andy, 33

Location:  Cold Spring, NY

About the shirt:  From Urban Outfitters.  "I loved this shirt until I lost it at the Eagle in NYC."

About the wearer:  "I am the best friend who makes the worst guy to date."

Send in your pic to ww @ manhattanoffender.com.

YouTube Tuesday: Sans Commentaire.

Via Yes But No But Yes.

Blind Items: Crystal chains

Number two in a series.

• What prominent national newscaster had crystal delivered to his New Years party?  (One would hope that the kids were at a sitter.)
• What prominent blogger had complaints from a neighbor regarding the clanking chain noises emanating from their apartment? 

Test Time Tuesday: Okay, but explain the picture to me?

Between the generated picture and the word choice error in the final question, it may be the funniest of these "learn an irrelevant fact about yourself" tests ever.  Which is not saying much.

You scored as Very Kinky. You are very Kinky. You are not over the top but you like kinky arousements and you are willing to try something new every time. You will make a very fun sex partner A Sicko 80% Very Kinky 80% Average 60% A WUSS !! 20% How sexual are you created with QuizFarm.com

Rick Sanchez too?

Could Anderson Cooper have company at CNN?  A comment came through to an old post over the weekend:

There is one vital piece of information that the World has yet to discover: Rick Sanchez is bisexual. I am not making this up. i know someone (a man) who had an affair with him. In fact, I know of another reporter (also a man) who had an affair with him when he worked down here in Miami.

--an anonymous coward

Granted, it is an anonymous posting made at 3 in the morning, but the IP address does actually seem to come from Miami.  Again, as is the case with all "is he/isn't he" stories, the take here is "whever" as closet cases are boring.  At least he's not lying about his age.

Is Clay Aiken lying ... about his age?

Intrepid investigative reporter Perez Hilton has the latest screencaps of Clay Aiken allegedly online and looking for some company in the Carolinas.  Aiken's gayness, perhaps the most boring story ever, is well-covered by Perez. 

What remains are the unanswered questions:

• Why would the closeted singer go on a site like ManHunt and not do the respectable thing and hire an escort?
• Why would anyone webcam with their hair all twisted like that?  It's only 9 p.m. according to the screen-captured messages between the alleged Aiken and his paramour.
• Finally, why lie about your age?  The retro-ish closet thing is actually fun in a kitschy/campy kind of way.  But, being born November 30, 1978 puts Aiken at 28, not the 24 as stated on the ManHunt profile.  Retrofitting one's age by four years?  What lie is next?  A declaration of 9c-n-THICK?

Over-networked

It all begins simply enough.  A recommendation from a friend or the insistence of a new acquaintance:  "You're not on [name of social networking/dating site here]?  You should totally check it out.   It's awesome!"

So on an insomnic night or while procrastinating, you go to the recommended site, but you can't really tell much about it without joining.  In goes a craftily crafted user name, some basic personal information, and a picture.  And now you're in.  At first the emails and smiles and winks come to you with wild abandon.  You are truly interacting with people that you would not have otherwise.

And then you get busy.  Stop visiting the site.  You still have "Mean Girls" listed as your favorite movie (granted maybe it still is).  You're listed as single, but you're in a relationship (or vice versa). You forget passwords.  And your profile languishes. 

When time allows, instead of visiting the neglected site, you check out the "newest, most bestest" site now being recommended by another friend.  Suddenly, you have a profiles on a multitude of sites.

You are over-networked.

Your googled name results in a plethora of results that no longer represent the current you.  People talk about that picture of you online that looks nothing like you.  Your age, if manually entered is a few years younger than you truly are.  People are beginning to think that you are a fraud.  A liar.  A deceiver!  If something happens today (someone saves your life in the subway, Dakota Fanning gives you a bump) and you are suddenly sought out by the media.  Outdated information is what they find.

What to do?  Luckily the weather outside will be frightful this weekend (in the Northeast at least) giving you the chance to clean up your act:

1. Google your own name and any "handles" that you tend to use (ie SlingBoy69). 
2. Search your e-mail for e-mail with words such as member, username, and password.
3. From the above, go to the sites for which you have representation.
4. Make a ten-second decision whether you want to continue on "VampireFreaks.com" or not.
5. Make a mental list of what sites you are continuing and harrow them down to three.

The key is to be in control of your online presence before chance or circumstance does that for you.

Two weeks later

After two weeks, still not one cigarrette.  The most common question is of method.  Patch, gum, support group, hypnosis, acupuncture, lozenge, head injury? 

The answer is none of the above.  Instead, it was cold turkey with this mantra:

Addiction is a choice. 
Being a victim to addiction is a choice.
Victims are pussies.

And although it sounds harsh it worked.  If someone wants to smoke, it's a personal choice.  But when the choice becomes a compulsion it's just not fun anymore.  And fun is important.  Very.

Friday Food: Manna Express

Restaurant:  Express Manna Kitchen
Location:  Just north of Union Square on 18th Street, near Broadway
Occasion:  Lunch  delivered to the office
Cocktail(s):  If only we could drink at work.  Instead the Izze's Clementine did the job nicely.
Wine:  See above
Appetizer:        The kim-chi is just enough to make a bit of sweat bead up on the scalp, just as kim-chi should.
Entree:  If you have a love for Korean food, the shredded beef stew will not disappoint.  Served with scallions and egg, medium spicy, over rice the only complaint is that it is a huge quart-sized container.  Generally speaking, unless ordering from the lunch menu, the portion sizes are huge here.  The side dishes were okay, but not memorable. 
Dessert:  n/a
Service:  Possibly the fastest delivery in the Union Square area and clear-spoken phone service. 
Atmosphere:  This has always been a delivery option; however, the space is clean and small, but never seems to be crowded. 
Pricing:    Great value for the large portions.  Again, if you are ordering for a lunch, stick to the lunch menu.
Rating:  "Pretty much".

The Manhattan Offender Interview: Gordon, the ringmaster

Number twenty-nine in a series.

1. What's your secret to staying so beautiful?
   I stay beautiful by bathing in toxic waste.  It leaves my skin glowing clean and removes skin blemishes and, of course, the skin itself. My lips have been injected with yeast which is far more effective than collagen and has a nice yeasty aroma.  My teeth have been made a lustrous dark yellowish brown by chewing only the finest beef jerky.  But my favorite beauty secret is my hair.  I keep it clean.  I keep it smelling fresh.  I keep it in my top drawer.
2. Is it true what the tabloids are saying about your relationship?
   No, I always wear underpants, especially when getting in and out of limousines. My relationship with Heather Locklear is our own private business.  It is one of mutual respect, for each other and the teachings of Aleister Crowley.  Since my divorce from Halle Berry, we have maintained the closest of relationships and occasionally get together to discuss our careers, debate politics and to have nasty animal sex, usually involving a nasty animal.
3. This new project of yours is certainly taking everyone by surprise. Tell us about it.
   "Voideville - The Last Show On Earth" is a labor of love.  It is a "variety" show that takes place in the future, after the tragic events of 9/11 and 2/12,  but before the even more tragic events of 6/14, 3/22, 5/28 and 1/11.  Consisting of acts uncovered in the rubble of what is left of New York City, it provides the last vestige of what passes for entertainment.  People are so desperate for diversion in these trying times that they'll even appreciate crap like "Voideville".  We have every kind of entertainer from a lion tamer to Dildo The Clown and special guest stars for each and every show. Created by myself and Ruby Lynn Reyner, it was first performed in 1979.  It's back now, more inappropriate than ever and twice as sick. Three weeks only!  Performances begin Feb.1.
4. Who are you wearing?
   Funny you should ask.  I am wearing a stunning outfit created by designer Lola Naisse, the costume designer for "Voideville".  It consists of fabric culled from the many remnants found floating in New York Harbor during those dark days following the Golden Globe Awards.
5. Would you ever do a role that required nudity?
   I would only do a role that required nudity, as long as it is tasteful, necessary, dirty and someone else's body.  The only time I ever show my own naked body is in Central Park on weekends to Japanese tourists.

Learn more about Gordon at Voideville at the Theater for the New City, running three weeks, starting February 1.