Manhattan Offender

Sybil escapes the fire

Sunday morning Google searches full of raunch, sex, and Tom Cruise

You wake up early on a Sunday morning after blowing off that party in Brooklyn, that bar night in the East Village, and that Brasileiro from New Jersey that wants to fool around.  You wake up early on a Sunday morning and wonder who else is up and find X and R and N in the iChat window, but you're not feeling chatty.  You wake up early on a Sunday morning, not feeling like taking the laundry in yet so you check Facebook and see that A and D and G and N and X are online.  You wake up early on a Sunday morning and look at website traffic and you see there are some sick puppies up on a Sunday morning.

Following are search terms that landed readers at MO between 7 a.m. and 10 a.m.:

"sexy men cock" 
    (Generic is good.)

"LL COOL J GAY" 
    (Mama said, "Knock you out".

"sexychick" 
    (Boy were they disappointed.)

"brandon routh dick" 
    (I hear its a nice one.)

"manhattan street fairs" 
    (In January?)

"transexual prostitution in Manhattan" 
    (They spelled transsexual wrong, but I hope I was of help.)

"sugarwalls crave"
    (I crave me some Sugarwalls, too.  Sometimes.  But Sex Shooter is more my style.)

"enjoys anal"
    (To be honest?  In concept way more than execution.)

"live blogging grammy 2006"
    (I'd never do something so lame.  Evidence?  Well, I've made life changes since then.)

"Tom Cruise gay"
    (Also?  "morton cruise", "Andrew Morton gay Tom", and "gay cruise".  The last of which may have just wanted a vacation.)

"Queen Latifah porn"
    (DO NOT WANT!)

"Amanda Lepore"
    (I think she's changed publicists, because I've heard nothing about her in almost a year.)

"Anderson Cooper boyfriend"
    (People really care?  Still?)

"YOUTUBE THE PUT HIS PINES IN SHE VAGINA" 
    (From Honolulu, 3 a.m. their time)

You wake up early on a Sunday morning, and you are freaked out by your fellow humans.  At least A is in town from Rhode Island, and N is in town from Cairo.  Brunch will be good.

[Painting:  Edward Hopper, Early Sunday Morning]

Does Firefox constantly crash on Mac OS X Leopard?

Or is it just me?  It's becoming a multiple-times-per-day thing. 

Jason Preston spins tonight at TigerBeat

Told you so.  He'll be the opening DJ for the return of the infamous underwear party to China One tonight.  I might be there. 

Andrew Morton did not thoroughly research the homosexuality of Tom Cruise

Much talk has been made of the new Andrew Morton look into the life of Tom Cruise and the allegations of his high position within the Church of Scientology.  What had been previously more chat-worthy though were the allegations of Tom's cruising.  You know, with teh gays?

It seems that every gay has a friend of a friend that has fingered, fucked, or felched cruise.  Personally, I don't care as, despite my usual contention that the mentally ill are better in bed, Cruise is in my column of "bad lays".  Cruise has shown gay tendencies for years, though, as pointed out in this Quentin Tarantino analysis of Top Gun.

You need to know: Heather Parisi

Continuing my exploration of, um, Italian ladies, presented here for your inspection:  Heather Parisi.  The early eighties Italo-pop sensation has a sense of the visual that is perhaps less sophisticated than Rafaella, but eye-catching nonetheless.  If Parisi doesn't mesmerize you, skip ahead to see her, um, "twin".

In a perfect world, Rafaella and Heather would team up.  On, I don't know, Pussy Control?  Unfortunately the world is flawed, and the teaming is a little less than stellar.

300 trailer re-mixed. Actually? Re-meowmixed.

If you remove all the shirtless homosexiness of 300, you might as well have a video about kittens.  As this trailer remix shows, it might even work better with the kittens.

Future, Tense: It's a Tranny Reclamation Riot!

Every so often a mysterious entity calls me.  The entity calls itself "The Future" and  knows where things will be in New York after the Starbucks and Whole Foods have blanketed the town and then disappeared. 

Episode Three of Twenty.  (Originally posted November 16, 2007 at Gawker.)

"Hello?"

"Zhe shi shenme?  Is that you, nanonips?  I must have hit the wrong avatar on my iPortal!  I meant to call the police!"

"The police?  Are you okay?"

"I was just having lunch at CNNZone in Times Square when all hell broke loose."

"Is it a terrorist attack?"

"A what?  ... No.  Far worse.  It's a Tranny Reclamation Riot."

When I was nine

Decadence