Manhattan Offender

Mundane note

The content here is also available on Tumblr now.  Apparently this is a popular thing to do.

Please, Pennsylvania, Please: Put an end to the Hillarity

"Are you sure no one can hear you?"
"Certain, Bill.  I told the guys I needed some privacy."
"Still don't know their names, huh?"
"Of course I ... Okay, no, I don't know their names.  What's up, Bill?"
"Well, remember the promise?"
"Of course I do."
"So if we don't win tonight, we can end this."
"We're going to win, so it's a moot point."
"Just in case though, I've already found an apartment down in DC."
"No one can know about that."
"Don't worry, I said it was for Chelsea."
"Speaking of which, did you talk to her about getting engaged?  It'd boost my positives.  People would love a White House wedding."
"She sort of saw through me.  Totally knew you put me up to it."
"Damn."
"Okay, Hilllary.  I guess I'll see you back at the hotel."
"I'll stop by your room and pick you up for the party."

Picture via NY Times.

The Fire Island Listening Project: The Lowest Tea

Last summer saw me eavesdropping on and reporting back from Fire Island Pines.  Gawker isn't running "And the Brand Played On" again this summer, but with "the season" rapidly coming up, it's time to re-visit the concept.  The following originally appeared June 20, 2007.  All dialogue 100% verbatim.

EXT. THE BOARDWALK OUTSIDE THE BLUE WHALE, FIRE ISLAND PINES
The boardwalk along the harbor is a throng of gay men. The entrance into the afternoon event known as "Low Tea" is not dissimilar to a fallopian tube: Freshly washed and coiffed gays travel up the narrow stairwell like thoughtless sperm. The crowd-flow directs us to the stiff angular movements of FLAGHAG. A bubblegum pink shirtdress and an organized mop of caustic blonde hair move in opposition to her tiny, sunburned frame. She is surrounded by men more than a half-foot taller. In her hands are napkins.

FLAGHAG
Look guys. Semaphores. (She laughs at own joke and then sings with background music.) You can stand under my umbrella . Ella-ella-eh-eh-eh. (Looking back toward the men standing over her, she raises her napkins above her head.) Wanna' stand under my umbrella, Brian? Brian. Umbrella. Ella-ella-eh-eh-eh. Brian!

BRIAN (Looking down to FLAGHAG.)
You want another Pink Panties? (Arches right eyebrow.)

FLAGHAG
Omigod. I love the Pink Panties. Ella-ella-eh-eh-eh.

The flow moves us in a new direction, at first following an unspeaking, pouty BRIAN and a singing FLAGHAG toward the front bar, but then shifting us through sliding glass doors to the interior dance floor. JAGHAG dances to Loleatta Holloway's Relight My Fire with a male friend. They both make jazz hands that occasionally touch the other's waist.

JAGHAG (Yelling over music.)
I've never even been with a girl, Brian.

ANOTHER BRIAN
You should. You've got the short hair. The butch attitude. Girls would love you.

JAGHAG
I don't care. I love penises. Love. Love. Love.

ANOTHER BRIAN
There was a picture of you and a lesbian at your apartment. Who was she?

JAGHAG (Punches ANOTHER BRIAN.)
Shut. Up! What are you talking about?

ANOTHER BRIAN
In that front hallway. You and a lesbian.

JAGHAG (Pauses, mouth agape.)
That's not a lesbian! That's my brother!

As the music changes, the crowd pushes back toward the middle entrance of a full back hallway, which leads at one end toward bathrooms and at the other toward the service bar. The area around the back bar is less crowded and FASHIONHAG stands near the bar smoking a cigarette. An Hermes scarf holds back shiny-healthy shoulder length hair. Perfectly applied blush and lipstick adorn her Asian-American features and her white strapless jumper minidress. FASHIONHAG approaches the bar and puts the cigarette out. ALEX runs toward her.

ALEX
That's not an ashtray! (Holds up the metal bartending implement that has been mistaken for an ashtray. The cigarette remains on the bar.) See, no bottom.

FASHIONHAG
Omigod. It looks like an ashtray. A simple perfect ashtray. I... Omigod. I was wondering why they had such nice ashtrays. It's so Philippe Starck. I... Laughs.)

ALEX (Laughs too.)
Omigod. I love you. I'm Alex.

FASHIONHAG
Jennifer.

ALEX
I'm so drunk. I need a bump. Do you have a bump?

FASHIONHAG
Of cocaine? I can't do cocaine. I'm on Oxycontin.

ALEX
Can I have one?

FASHIONHAG
All mine, sahhhh-ree.

ALEX (Points at a SOUTHEAST ASIAN TWINK.)
Do you know Sanjaya?

FASHIONHAG
Who? (She looks.) Oh, you're bad. But that's not Sanjaya. That's Sanjaya. (She points at a TALL PUERTO RICAN that looks even less like Sanjaya than SOUTHEAST ASIAN TWINK, and who wears a skin-tight plaid shirt and calf-length pants.) Omigod. Sanjaya's feeling the music. I don't want to go to rehab. I said no, no, no.

RANDOM PASSING GAY (Loudly, over the music and crowd.)
I don't wanna go to Meatrack. I said no, no, no.

JENNIFER
Omigod. Sanjaya is trying for Thom Brown but just giving clam-digger. (Seeing a camera, holds metallic purse to face, yells.) Gerard! I'm giving you the Meisel!

The crowd is now flowing toward the front entrance again. As the entrance is approached, napkins can be seen fluttering wildly from the hands of FLAGHAG.

FLAGHAG
Yes I been black, but when I come back. You wont know, know, know. (She looks up, yells.) Brian!

New York Comic Con detritus

The New York Comic Con brought together the right degree of camp and chaos.  While most attend to discover whether Batman will really die this summer or find that "near mint" copy of Flash #156, my goals are more to find outsider art, enjoy the costumed revelers, and boy-watch.  Along with buddy Dave, the following were found/observed/experienced:

The new Portishead will be amazing.  (Not something found at the con, but told to me by Dave.)

Skrull masks do nothing for me (as seen in the photo). 

Local artist Steven Belledin crafts pieces with just the right mix of horror and beauty.

Playboy cartoonist of many decades, Doug Sneyd has many original pieces available for sale (and a lovely wife).  His is the art of my pubescent viewings of Playboys, where the cartoons interested me perhaps more than the pictorials.

Every child in my life is getting a Sok-O for Christmas.  Simple sock puppets done with an exceptional degree of quality and originality were soft and fun.

My adult friends will instead be receiving My Beating Heart.  Less emo than the name may indicate, the heart is actually a stuffed heart-shaped pillow with a soft heartbeat-like pulse inside.

Artist Steven Sadowski has shaved the wild beard of years ago and is now very sexy.  (And he's working on some comic thingie for Marvel.)

Famed  designer/author/Batman fanatic Chip Kidd has what looks to be an amazing collection of Batman comics, toys, and other merchandise presented in Bat-Manga:  The Secret History of Batman in Japan.  The preview presented at the Con was probably the most exciting thing in the Javitz Center.

But Kidd's book was overshadowed, by a woman in a Dark Phoenix costume.  At every turn she caught my eye.  Whether it was the wig or the heels, she won my prize for "owning the character".  Check her out post-jump or from one of the many Con attendee's Flickrs.

Welcome to the Javitz Center

Gossip Girl: S and B under the El

The Fire Island Listening Project: The Great Gay Train Snobbery

Last summer saw me eavesdropping in and reporting back from Fire Island.  Gawker isn't running "And the Brand Played On" again this summer, but with "the season" rapidly coming up, it's time to re-visit the concept.  The following originally appeared June 12, 2007.  All dialogue 100% verbatim.

INT. A LONG ISLAND RAILROAD CAR, EAST-BOUND

The afternoon train is crowded, with a mix of those leaving Manhattan after a long day of work and those that are beach-bound. The commuters read papers and magazines, sleep, and talk quietly amongst themselves, but one voice rises above them. GREENTWINK talks on a cell phone and sits on the window side of a pair of seats with YELLOWTWINK. Both are wearing what appear to be freshly pressed Izod shirts in the colors of their names. Both wear over-sized sunglasses with lenses that coyly reveal the movements of the eyes concealed within.

GREENTWINK (Speaking overly loud, as if on a bad connection.)
If you could just grab some sunblock at the Bliss counter at Macy's, I think I'd be set. If you're not sure which one, you call me.... If I think of anything else, I'll call you.... Oh my God! Can't wait to see you! You're going to be the most popular boy on the island!

YELLOWTWINK (Knits his sculpted eyebrows.)
How old is that phone?

GREENTWINK
Oh god, I know. I'm holding out for the iPhone.

YELLOWTWINK
Right? ...But have you seen the Prada phone? I saw it online today.

GREENTWINK
I don't know. The iPhone will have that screen that turns both ways and can play movies. Is the Prada phone just a phone or does it at least have a mp3 player?

YELLOWTWINK
Mm. I didn't read the article, just saw the picture.

YELLOWTWINK looks up as SALMONTWINK passes in the aisle. He wears a salmon-color deep-vee American Apparel tee shirt. After SALMONTWINK passes, YELLOWTWINK wrinkles his nose, making a "what's that smell" face.

YELLOWTWINK (CONT'D)
I haven't seen that color. I have that shirt in yellow and white.

GREENTWINK
That color is off though. I'd like it in pink. Do they sell a pink?

YELLOWTWINK
I think so. But everybody is starting to wear them.

GREENTWINK
That sucks.... So I think I'm going to get the iPhone.

YELLOWTWINK
But it's first generation. Mac's not good for first generation things.

GREENTWINK
But this pho-one! I ha-ate it! So-o much!

TRAIN ANNOUNCEMENT
This station is Bayshore. The next station [Garbled].

GREENTWINK
Did he say Sayville? We're next right? I think we're next. (He squeals.) You're almost there! I want to jump in a cab so I can go to Stop & Shop and grab some things. We won't miss the ferry. Promise.

YELLOWTWINK
My bag is so-o heavy.

GREENTWINK
I hate my bag. I need a new bag.

BOTH leave their seats to stand near the door as the train pulls into a station.

TRAIN ANNOUNCEMENT
[Garbled] station is Islip. The next station is Great River.

From a distance, GREENTWINK can be heard speaking over the announcement.

GREENTWINK
Local. The train is going local? O-oh.

YELLOWTWINK
My bag is so-o heavy.

XTube dance party: Bejon the pole dancer

My recent trannie dance party has me fascinated with the dancers on XTube.  This week tribute is paid to "bejon" a young guy from SoCal.  His talent is in "advanced pole dancing".  Whether he travels with a pole or has a pole in every room of his home is a mystery, but his skill on the pole is amazing.  Bonus:  jazzy socks. 

Full size videos post-jump.

Weekly reader

Some of my favorite reads of the past week:

• The potential showdown at the Democratic Convention is grippingly envisioned by a former West Wing (a show I never watched) writer in New York magazine's Four Days in Denver.
• Also in New York, is a listing of books seminal to the city in the past 40 years.  The one's I haven't already read are now pretty much my summer reading list.
• As somebody that frequently introduces himself to people only to hear "we've met before, a few times", this David Brooks piece in the Times was comforting.
• Dick Cavett was a talk show host back when guests would come on and actually talk.  Earlier this year he started blogging for the Times.  There's a folksy-yet-accurate quality to him that appeals to me.

Advertising apartments of the present in the format of the past

Just off of Madison Square Park the handwritten poster with its highlighter coloring looks at first glance as if it could be something of the pre-boom real estate market, advertising an Open House with multiple spaces available.  At closer glance though you'll see the prices of those spaces, bringing you right back to the present.  (Full size post-jump.)