Manhattan Offender

Super-fun Friday game: Heidi Montag or Guy Montag?

Following is a list of quotes.  Some are from Guy Montag, hero of Ray Bradbury's Fahrenheit 451 (or from the book in general).  Some are from Heidi Montag, the lead character in MTV's The Hills.  This isn't going to be as easy as you expect.

1. "I just want someone to hear what I have to say. And maybe if I talk long enough, it'll make sense."
2. "Its real beauty is that it destroys responsibility and consequences."
3. "You have to do what you feel comfortable with."
4. "The sun burnt every day. It burnt time."
5. "I'm seventeen and I'm crazy. My uncle says the two always go together. When people ask your age, he said, always say seventeen and insane."
6. "You always dread the unfamiliar."
7. "I like to read a couple books at once. ... Right now I’m also reading the Bible, beginning to end. I’m very religious. That’s how I’ve gotten to where I am."
8. "We begin by beginning, I guess."
9. "I'm actually a drama-free person."
10. "Burn all, burn everything.  Fire is bright and fire is clean."
11. "You're afraid of making mistakes. Don't be. Mistakes can be profited by."
12. "I don’t think anyone cares who ... Montag votes for."

Answers as to which are from the destroyer of books who goes on to love books and which are from the destroyer of books who goes on to endorse John McCain are post-jump.

Fire Island aggregation of news and such

Maybe it's the beers from dinner, but I can't wrap my head around this multimedia Fire Island art project.  From what I can gather, Fire Island is a combination of live acting, set design pieces and film work (some in ultra-wide screen) that involves drag queens, a conga line, fetishists and babies.  All of the above is amalgamated at 3-Legged Dog on Greenwich and opens this weekend.  Let's just call this a "developing story".

Although I consider myself on the environmentally correct side, sometimes, just sometimes, I secretly just wish the piping plover would just go extinct already.

The National Park Service is continuing its tradition of underfunding land acquisition, presenting a risk of overdevelopment of some parts of the island.

Stating that one is "going to the Pines" is the new way of coming out of the closet.

Despite recession fears, there's apparently a building boom in the Pines.

Those deer that are all over Fire Island?  They're on the pill.

Did you know Scrabulous allows dirty words?

Scrabulous, the online game made popular via Facebook and the legal nemesis of Scrabble owner Hasbro, allows words not allowed in the Official Scrabble Dictionary.  Dirty words.  Very dirty words.  On the completed game board at the right it may be difficult to find, but post-jump it will be a little more obvious.

Eric Cartman's penis problem

Just a quick note to the episode synopsis writers at Comedy Central:

In your attempt to avoid the main story of last night's episode, in which a mouse with a genetically produced replacement penis for Mrs. Mr. Garrison, you hastily misspelled the name Cartman as Carmen.  Perhaps your fear of the phallus, had you in the mindset opera's Carmen, chased by men throughout her life as the penis was chased after escaping from the lab.  Or perhaps, as the episode dealt with transsexualism, you were thinking of famous transsexual Carmen Electra.  (Oh?  She's not?  Then how do you explain this picture?  They're not?  Really?  Okay.)  Where was I?  Oh, yes, fearing penis will make you do strange things, so next time embrace the penis.

(Full version of the typo post-jump.)

Is it offensive because it's AIDS humor or is it offensive because it's insipid?

I tend to think I'm on the thick-skinned side.  So when my reaction to my morning email from Thrillist was offense, after the quick jolt of emotive response, I then stepped back to think about it for a moment. 

Thrillist is supposed to be the Daily Candy for straight guys.  They don't try to be "straight" like a Details reader, but more in a meat-and-potatoes, stock analyst, priority seating at Scores type of way.  The writing on their daily messages tends to be a tad on the fratboy side, but it's typically tolerable as they'll point out the occasional shop, restaurant, product or website of note and are on occasion dead-on in finding quality items out of the scope of the gay ghetto of most media.

Today's message (full version of it post-jump) promoted a website that purports to present advertising in it's most pure form, sans "softness".  Pretty much the site presents basic products, breaks them down elementally, and throws in what may be manatee-generated curse words.  It does this over and over again and seems to see itself as quite "bad-ass", but then pussies out at the end with the disclaimer:  'All trademarks and copyrights on this page are owned by their respective parties."

All of this is done under the banner of AIDSvertising.  Now, the name is supposed to shock you and perhaps convince you that they are no-holds-barred.  At first, the name did set me back a moment.  There's been this turn where AIDS is no longer seen as a killer but more as an inconvenience.  It is this change in perception that has allowed AIDS to enter be dragged into the humor arena.  (Family Guy used it as far back as 2005 (Warning:  SOUND).)  People are still dying though and there is no "cure".  This is not to say that it is sacrosanct and cannot be used in humor.

The problem here wasn't one of offense.  And the problem isn't the humor's churlish and insipid repetitiveness.  My problem with the site after thinking about it is the hypocrisy.  The writers are claiming to be bad-asses:  we're going to throw out shocking words and shock you.  When you look deeper into AIDSvertising though you'll note that the authors are all anonymous.  Digging further into the "who is" report for the site reveals nothing more than it's use of godaddy, that extra-lame provider.  So, like the page-bottom trademark disclaimer, it turns out the bad-asses are actually pussies.

Anonymity when applied to shock humor erases all of the impact.  So the use of AIDS in your name and using the word "cunt" in your faux advertisements is reduced from shock to schlock. 

As for Thrillist?  If this is the best their writers could come up with for a Monday morning, it's obviously not a site for me.  I've unsubscribed.

Oh little mosquito of joy, buzz your melodic wings to a springtime jig

Killing my first mosquito of the season has me all like, "Urg.  Fuck.  I hate you mosquito!" and then all, "Oh, but hey, that means that spring is finally coming.  You rock little fellow," so then I show Little Fellow (his name now) to little Sybil (the cat) and yell, "Faster, pussycat!  Kill!  Kill!" to which she stares at my pointing finger as it turns to a sleeve-covered fist and slams into the mosquito, flattening it onto a Vanity Fair subscription solicitation.

Spring!  Awesome!

A collection of clips of Charlton Heston, unwilling gay icon

What was it about Charlton Heston?  There was the pumped up hyper-masculine appeal.  The likelihood that he would be shirtless, and sometimes pantsless, on film.  The gruff voice rang that 1970s masculinity.  All things that would be typical components of a gay icon in the manner of Steve McQueen.

Then there were the mitigating factors.  The religious film roles.  The gun fanaticism.  The conversion from someone that would campaign for Adlai Stevenson, John Kennedy and Robert Kennedy to one that would campaign for Ronald Reagan, George H.W. Bush, and George W. Bush.

Even with the above in balance the potential for position as gay icon existed, but it was plainly rejected by the actor.  Despite Ben Hur co-writer Gore Vidal's statements that there was a gay subtext to the film, Heston denied that it existed.  (The clip below might say otherwise.)

Heston died yesterday at home with his wife of 64 years at his side.  Following are a few clips of the actor in action in Ben Hur, The Omega Man, Planet of the Apes, Soylent Green and, um, The Colbys.  (Full size after the jump.)

Battle babies

When spam is not spam

For whatever reasons, I receive a lot of email.  Most of it is insta-delete before it's even read, but recently I started checking out the weekly mailer for Scene Downtown.  It is filled with events to which I would totally go.  (In fact, I'll be stopping by Mattachine in coordination with VS's birthday.) 

And, hey!  Writing sincere posts is easier than I expected!

If Sex and the City were shot today

RE:  The opening sequence

- The bus ad would be for a column on a website, not a newspaper. 
- That queen in the black mesh shirt and tank top walking by while SJP is being splashed would now have a beard and shorn hair.
- The opening music would be by Yelle.
- The pink tutu would be some Marc Jacobs number. 

RE:  The characters

- In addition to Carrie's job change, Samantha would be fucking Ronn Torrosian, Charlotte would have been scandalized by a gossip website (possibly a rival to the site where Carrie has a column). Miranda would still be a lawyer and still be with Steve. She would be a man. A pregnant man.  (Bonus:  Pregnant man footage after the jump!)
- Instead of smoking, Carrie would be constantly updating her Facebook status via her iPhone.
- They would be more open about the status of their trust funds/inheritances/divorce settlements.
- Samantha would be obsessed about cameras and privacy and masturbate compulsively.

RE:  The new skew

- As a ratings stunt there would be an internet poll as to which one would die.
- Samantha would die from MRSA because Americans hate sexual people.
- Miranda would die next from complications of her gender reassignment.
- Charlotte would die from some bad foie gras.
- Carrie would die when a shoe becomes stuck in a subway grate and a bus slams into her. The bus would have an ad for her internet column.