Manhattan Offender

Cranes are scary now

Queens Queens Pah-ride Parade

Do you like cha-cha queens in vivid colors?
Do you like gays on the ethnic tip with an immigrant twist?
Do you like things on the underproduced side?
Sunday, June 1 is for you!

Link: Queens Pride.

Previous year's parades:
2007
2006
2005 - No parade, but June 1 is the third birthday of the blogging!  Which means the blogging needs presents.  Damned blogging.

Clay Aiken is PREGNANT

Okay, he's not pregnant. 
Some dude named Jaymes is pregnant by Clay Aiken.
And the dude is apparently a woman in her forties.
Or something.

Link: Clay Aiken Impregnates Someone! - TMZ.com.

The state of literacy on Fire Island

Open letter to anyone else awake on Fire Island

1.  By any chance are you home and awake and in possession of light brown sugar?  Dark brown will do in a pinch.
2.  By any chance does the pantry in the Grove open any earlier than that in the Pines, as I'll totally walk it.
3.  How does this well-equipped kitchen have three types of garlic presses and not one mixer?
4.  How does this well-provisioned pantry have two types of anchovies and no brown sugar?
5.  Am I the only homo that bakes in the world?
6.  Am I the only one that wakes up before the sunrise and jaunts to the roof to catch it?

Brand timeline portrait

Idea via:  Dear Jane Sample
Modification 1:  Doing it live throughout the day
Modification 2:  No time stamp, simply a progression of logos through the day, in order

more to come ...

This city can no longer function when faced with a simple rain storm.

The Fire Island Listening Project: Don't say, "bumps" Say, "toots".

Suddenly it's summer again, which means eavesdropping and reporting back from Fire Island Pines to learn how the gays function.  All dialogue based on real conversation.

ACT 1, SCENE 2

EXT.  SAYVILLE FERRY STATION

A chilly wind sweeps over gays standing in line to purchase and tickets for ferry to The Pines.  CANVASGAY and LOGOGAY stand in a semi-huddle bracing against the wind.  HOODIEGAY approaches them, smiling and waving an iPhone in his hand.

LOGOGAY:  Oh.  Migod.  You got it back.

HOODIEGAY:  I'm all, like, laughing and crying at the same time.  The other drivers couldn't help me, but I got the number for the dispatch center.  Karen - the driver (we're friends now) - stopped at a hardware store, and totally found it right in the seat where I was sitting.

LOGOGAY:  You tipped her, right?

HOODIEGAY:  Ten.  God.  Should I have given her more?

CANVASGAY:  Those are cute pants, but if the pockets won't hold your phone ...

HOODIEGAY:  I know.  I never think about pocket depth when I'm shopping, but I really like them.  Look at my ass.  Varvatos.  [Looking toward the bar/restaurant area]  I'm ready for a drink.

CANVASGAY:  Oh, and it's freezing.  Should we bring our bags?

LOGOGAY:  This crowd wouldn't be seen with your bag.  I'll stay outside though.  Get me a vodka/cran.

[CANVASGAY and HOODIEGAY head indoors, saying wide-eyed "hey"s and "hi"s to assorted gays on the way.  After ordering drinks and socializing, they head back outside.]

CANVASGAY:  Where the hell is Tad?  I'm all two-fisted.

HOODIEGAY:  He's over there by that silverdaddy.  Um.  So, listen.  Do I owe you some money?  Did you make any purchases?

CANVASGAY:  No.  I couldn't, but my guy is coming out on the eleven o'clock tomorrow morning.

HOODIEGAY:  The season really has started.

CANVASGAY:  I know, right?

HOODIEGAY:  But what if I want a couple bumps tonight?

CANVASGAY:  Bumps?

HOODIEGAY:  I've been up since six, so ...

CANVASGAY:  Don't say, "bumps".  Say, "toots".

HOODIEGAY:  Toots?  Cute!  Tootsie.

CANVASGAY:  [Striking an English accent]  Tuts, tuts, tuts.

[LOGOGAY approaches.]

LOGOGAY:  Everytime I come out to Fire Island, I find out a co-worker is gay.  [Takes vodka-cranberry cocktail from CANVASGAY.]  Ooo.  Perfect timing.  We're boarding!

There is noise as the gays waiting in line reconfigure and adjust for boarding.   LOGOGAY, CANVASGAY, and HOODIEGAY board the Fire Island Clipper, finding seats in the middle front.  CANVASGAY searches for his cell phone.

HOODIEGAY:  That RING-tone!

CANVASGAY:  [To phone] Hel-lo?  Sweetie?  Hello?  [Pocketing phone.]  I missed his call.  He's going to be so pissed.

The engines start and settle into a low hum in the boat.  Suddenly a clatter of noise comes from near the doors.  SWEATSHIRTGAY, SWEATERGAY, and CARLOTHEBLIND enter the ferry and head for the middle front. 

CANVASGAY:  Oh.  Migod! 

SWEATSHIRTGAY:  Your god?  My god!  Have we got a story for you.

END ACT I, SCENE II
TO BE CONTINUED ...

 

I have not had a cigarette in twenty-four hours

Current status:
- Left calf tingles.
- The arch of my right foot aches.
- Balls feel as if they are being held in a non-flirtacious manner.
- My taint is asleep.
- My stomach feels "heavy", as if there were a weight on it.
- Deep breaths find my chest feeling loosey-goosey.
- There is a phlegmish feeling in the back of my mouth.
-  It tastes like bad cock in my mouth.
- Smiling hurts, like lifting a weight.
- My upper eyelids are heavy.
- There is a ringing in my left ear.

Vicodin will be visited upon my return home tonight.

The Fire Island Listening Project: It's not gay; it's pretty.

Suddenly it's summer again, which means eavesdropping and reporting back from Fire Island Pines to learn how the gays function.  All dialogue based on real conversation.

ACT 1 SCENE 1

INT.  PENN STATION, LONG ISLAND RAILROAD TERMINAL
In the Friday afternoon hustle-bustle of Penn Station, three figures stand out in the crowd.  Named after their jackets HOODIEGAY, LOGOGAY, and CANVASGAY, the shortest of whom is six feet tall, each have two large pieces of luggage, and cell phones posted at their ears.  One carries a bag from McDonald’s. 

LOGOGAY points toward Track 21 and the other two follow down the stairs and, after some hand-gestured deliberation, choose seats.  HOODIEGAY and CANVASGAY end their conversations, pocketing their respective iPhone and Samsung Glyde phones.

CANVASGAY:  "He yelled at me."

HOODIEGAY:  "He's a yeller.  All architects are.  They can't handle pressure and then they start yelling.  Which is why I don't date architects.  Ever."

CANVASGAY:  "But there was no reason to yell."

HOODIEGAY:  “He missed the train.  He’s carrying those bags, and he’s got the dog.”

CANVASGAY: “My poor blind doggie.”

HOODIEGAY:  “But it’s not like he’s alone, right?  He left work with Barry?”

CANVASGAY: “He was yelling at him too.”

[LOGOGAY puts down a Blackberry 7100 and picks up a Blackberry Curve and begins typing. CANVASGAY’s phone rings.]

HOODIEGAY:  “What’s that gay noise?  [Turning to LOGOGAY] And why do you have two phones?”

LOGOGAY:  “One’s for work, and one’s for play.  I don’t combine the two.  Are they still fighting?”

HOODIEGAY:  “It’s not a fight.  Rigo is just, uh, expressing himself.  You know how the Latinos are.  Everything is passionate.  [Looks down at a vintage Rolex.]  He’s going to be really passionate in about a minute.  Make that now.  The door’s are closing.  [Turning to CANVASGAY] Vinny.  [Waving hand in front of CANVASGAY’s face] You can tell him he missed the train.

CANVASGAY:  No.  I can’t.  He hung up on me.

HOODIEGAY:  What’s done is done.  He’ll catch the next train and catch up when we transfer.

LOGOGAY:  No.  He won’t.  This is an express to Babylon.

HOODIEGAY:  It will all work out.  [Reaching into McDonald’s bag]  Here.  Eat your sammich.  What are these anyway?

CANVASGAY:  I just feel bad because he’s bringing the dog and Carlo is a lot of work.

LOGOGAY:  Carlo the blind dog we’ve heard so much about?

CANVASGAY:  My baby Carlito.  He can’t help …

HOODIEGAY:  It’s bad enough I’m eating McDonald’s, but it’s worse I’m eating alone.  Eat, Vinny.  You want a bite, Tad?  What are these?  They’re delicious.

CANVASGAY:  Southern style chicken sandwich.  Fried chicken on a simple buttered bun and pickles.  It’s like a picnic.

HOODIEGAY:  Ugh.  I’m having my fattest summer ever, for sure.  Whatever they’re using for butter flavor really sticks with you.  Wonderful.

CANVASGAY:  I’m just dreading my phone ringing again.

HOODIEGAY:   Me too.  You have a gay ringtone.

CANVASGAY:  It’s not gay; it’s pretty.

END ACT 1; SCENE 1
TO BE CONTINUED ...