Manhattan Offender

Dan Humphrey and me

It's just occurred to me that this guy with whom I've gone on a couple dates speaks in a similar cadence to that of Penn Badgely's character on Gossip Girl.  It's that sort of "thinking about what one is saying before one says it" cadence that, to me, seems studied and thought out and damn sexy.  Also?  He has that same clear baritone.  Not the garrulous growl of some chain-smoking art-fag, but just this steady basso.

Granted, if he knew that I watched the season finale of Gossip Girl, that voice would probably never be heard again, so enough on this.  Serena?  Blair?  Chuck?  Never heard of them.  Vanessa? Lily? Bart?  Really, not a clue.  Darota? Katy? Isobel?  Ugh.

A Jihad for Love is finally in New York

After traveling the world on the film-festival tour, A Jihad for Love is finally premiering in New York this Wednesday.  Review to come, but learn more here.  Trailer post-jump.

Polar bear added to endangered species list - Los Angeles Times

File under "Things that suck"

Link: Polar bear added to endangered species list - Los Angeles Times.

The Fire Island Listening Project: Season two starts now

After some internal debate, it's been decided.  When I go out to Fire Island this afternoon, my ears will be tuned in on the gays. 

Idea file: Taxi televisions should be required to carry local, noncorporate programming, like local access cable

Robin Byrd would be perfect viewing from the backseat.

Rectal thermometers on subways now 100% easier to find

The Fire Island Listening Project: She done

Last summer saw me eavesdropping on and reporting back from Fire Island Pines.  Gawker isn't running "And the Brand Played On" again this summer, but with "the season" rapidly coming up, it's time to re-visit the concept.  The following originally appeared September 10, 2007.  All dialogue 100% verbatim.

EXT. THE HARBOR OF FIRE ISLAND PINES
The Sunday afternoon crowd stands in a line stretching far back onto the Fire Island Boulevard boardwalk. Assorted gays stand in the line with a variety of shapes and styles of luggage waiting for their ferry home. Three Asian-American men in their late twenties stand in the queue. BAGGAGEGAY stands with a red Victorinox wheeled duffel, two Trader Joe's shopping bags and a Victorinox Vertical Deluxe Travel Companion slung around his neck over the opposite shoulder. With him are BOREDGAY, wearing an over-sized white tee and light blue Adidas basketball shorts, and EXCITEDGAY, wearing a tight white tank and G-Unit "Soul Stars" plaid shorts.

EXCITEDGAY One more picture!  Me and you, honey!  Here, take this. (Hands a black MotoQ phone to BOREDGAY and stands with BAGGAGEGAY.)

BOREDGAY
Take off your purse.

BAGGAGEGAY
(Shooting a perturbed look at BOREDGAY.)  It's not a ...

BOREDGAY
Just take it off.  It's making your tits look uneven.

BAGGAGEGAY removes the Travel Companion.

EXCITEDGAY
Cheeses!  (Turns to BAGGAGEGAY.) Are you sure you have to go? The weather's so nice now, and yesterday was so bad. There's still a couple hours of good sun left. And we got those really nice salmon steaks from Citarella. Dinner?

BAGGAGEGAY
Then I'll have drinks at dinner. And then we'll go to Tea. Somehow I'll be calling the office to say I'm running late on Monday. I can't do it this week. We've got market coming up and everybody is running around like crazy already. Trust me, I'm tempted.

EXCITEDGAY
And you're not coming out in September?

BAGGAGEGAY
That's my busiest month, sweetie.  I've had my fun, and I'm done. 

EXCITEDGAY
Just come out in September at least once.  It's more mellow and less party-party, I promise.  You paid for it!

BAGGAGEGAY
I really can't.  Really, really can't.

BLONDEGAY passes the three, carrying bags from The Pines Pantry, stops and approaches EXCITEDGAY.

BLONDEGAY
Tell me you three are not leaving.

EXCITEDGAY
No.  Just Johnny.

BLONDEGAY
Oh, well, okay then.  (To BAGGAGEGAY.)  Have to go, huh?  Well ... bye! (To EXCITEDGAY.) And I'll see you later! (He scampers off.)

EXCITEDGAY
Such a queen.  (Nods.)  Love.  And we should go, too. (To BOREDGAY.) We should get mixers and chips while we're in town.

BOREDGAY
I didn't bring my wallet.

EXCITEDGAY
I have my card.  (To BAGGAGEGAY.)  You okay here?  We should really go.

BAGGAGEGAY
Yeah, go, I'm fine.  Really, I'm fine.

EXCITEDGAY gives and extended hug to BAGGAGEGAY.

EXCITEDGAY
And we're going to look at houses for next year tomorrow. Maybe we'll find something. I'll send you pictures if we do. I can't believe summer's already over. What happened, right?

BAGGAGEGAY
I'm not even sure about next summer, but send the pictures.  I should have it all figured out soon.

EXCITEDGAY gives a second hug to BAGGAGEGAY.

EXCITEDGAY
Okay then.  Call me when you get home!

BOREDGAY
Later.

As EXCITEDGAY and BOREDGAY walk away, BAGGAGEGAY pulls an iPhone from his Travel Companion and begins reading e-mail and text messages. EXCITEDGAY and BOREDGAY sashay past a round bench in the middle of the harbor.

Seated on the bench is RHYMESWITHHOMO, wearing floral-print Paul Smith sandals, gray Penguin mid-calf shorts, a navy American Apparel "summer tee", Oliver Peoples "Voltaire" sunglasses and a patterned navy Triple 5 Soul painter's cap. He writes in an Ampad Reporter's Notebook with a Pilot Fine-Liner pen. Putting down the pen, he tips down the sunglasses to reveal riveting steel blue eyes that stare directly into the AUDIENCE. After an uncomfortable pause, he speaks.

RHYMESWITHHOMO
She done.

 

The Fire Island Listening Project: Beware the backpacker

Last summer saw me eavesdropping on and reporting back from Fire Island Pines.  Gawker isn't running "And the Brand Played On" again this summer, but with "the season" rapidly coming up, it's time to re-visit the concept.  The following originally appeared August 24, 2007.  All dialogue 100% verbatim.

EXT. FIRE ISLAND PINES PAVILION NIGHTCLUB

The Saturday night/Sunday morning 3 a.m. new moon sky is extra dark, lit only with an abundance of stars. The only light comes from what is also the primary source of noise in the still night: Pavilion. Outside a variety of gays presides. Some sit at wire mesh tables, smoking and chatting. Others stand in groups while others walk seemingly aimless through the night.

A group of gays wearing assorted low-rise jeans and no shirts sit at a table barely touched by the outside lighting. All are in their early thirties. MARLBOROGAY and PARLIAMENTGAY glow in the dim light, their muscular bodies pink-tan and glistened with sweat. SMOKELESSGAY sits with them, with comparatively thin and pale.

MARLBOROGAY (Lighting a Marlboro Light) Do you want a cigarette?

SMOKELESSGAY
You know I don't smoke.

PARLIAMENTGAY
(Smoking a Parliament Light.)  Sometimes you do.  Last weekend.  Posh.

SMOKELESSGAY
I smoke when I do coke because I get fidgety.  Is JAMES still inside?

MARLBOROGAY
Yeah, he's dancing with that older guy.  He totally loves those ... Look at that.

PARLIAMENTGAY looks toward the door of the nightclub where ADIDASGAY exits and jaunts past their table wearing tight silver Adidas sweatpants with red stripes. After passing the table he begins to walk quickly down the boardwalk.

ADIDASGAY  (Yelling into the night.)  José!  ... José!

PARLIAMENTGAY
Wish my name was José.  Damn!

MARLBOROGAY
You and your Latino obsession.  Oooo.  Oh!  Some sweat just rolled down my back and somehow got into my asscrack. Nice.

SMOKELESSGAY
(Begins to stand up.)  I'm going to go find JAMES.

PARLIAMENTGAY
Sit down and leave him alone.  If he hooks up with that guy then I've got a room to myself tonight.

MARLBOROGAY
And if he brings him home, you're sleeping on the Aerobed, sweetie.

PARLIAMENTGAY
First of all, older guys are supposed to bring you home. They should be to the point where they either own a house or can at least afford a share where they aren't sharing a room, or a bed. And don't forget - Ozone. No one wants to walk to our fucking house. It's just too far. Oh. Look at that one.

PARLIAMENTGAY looks toward BACKPACKGAY, standing near the exterior stairs.

SMOKELESSGAY Latino.  Probably 23 at most.  And look - a backpack.

MARLBOROGAY
He's homeless, Jacob. Missed the last ferry. Probably on purpose. And thinks he can just find someone to spend the night with because he's semi-hot.

PARLIAMENTGAY
Semi?  Look at that ...

MARLBOROGAY
No backpackers.  No, no, no, no, no.

PARLIAMENTGAY
Are you sure JAMES is still in there?  What if he already left with that guy?

MARLBOROGAY
You know he'll be in there until the very last song, making out on the dance-floor. He's probably in the middle of the floor groping that old daddy.

SMOKELESSGAY
He was at least 45.  His chest hair was, like, grey.  We should go in.

ADIDASGAY emerges from the darkness of the boardwalk and passes the table and jaunts back into the nightclub.

PARLIAMENTGAY Guess he didn't find José.  Let's go in.

The three leave their table and enter Pavilion. Outside, BACKPACK gay begins making out with another gay, shirtless with low-rise jeans.

 

My hometown voted Clinton, but they published my Obama post

On a lark, I sent my Obama post from Tuesday to my hometown newspaper as a letter to the editor.  Around four this afternoon, a call from my mother came.  She was excited that the letter (which I had forgotten sending) had been published in the paper.  Just reading the paper on her lunch hour, she had come across it, read it and thought that it sounded like something her son would write.  Coming to the end, she found that he had.

Meanwhile, Evansville (or at least the county in which it resides) voted 52/48 for Clinton.

Link: Letters to the editor: : Letters to the Editor : Evansville Courier Press.

The Fire Island Listening Project: Of misogynists and men

Last summer saw me eavesdropping on and reporting back from Fire Island Pines.  Gawker isn't running "And the Brand Played On" again this summer, but with "the season" rapidly coming up, it's time to re-visit the concept.  The following originally appeared August 16, 2007.  All dialogue 100% verbatim.

EXT. FIRE ISLAND PINES HARBOR
The Saturday noon ferry has arrived to the harbor and streaming onto the dock are new arrivals. DAYTRIPPERS arrive with umbrellas, coolers, and backpacks, often with glimpses of swimwear visible under low-waisted cargo shorts. RESIDENTS and HOUSEGUESTS bring assorted luggage and bags from Trader Joe's and Whole Foods. Standing in the harbor is an assortment of GAYS, a few of whom wait to board, but most of whom await new arrivals.

LILLYGAY stands wearing a white oversized vee-neck teashirt and Lilly Pulitzer "Crabby Pants" swim trunks. With him is ETROGAY wearing a pink tank top and Etro striped trunks. Both point and wave to HOUSEGUEST who approaches them, drops a Barneys shopping bag filled with food and a canvas Jack Spade coal bag, and joins in a group hug.

HOUSEGUEST Oh, hi. Hi! I like that shirt on you. I like that color. It works well with your dark hair.

LILLYGAY
How are you?

HOUSEGUEST
Near perfect.  How've you been, sweetie?

ETROGAY
Well, I just saw you yesterday.

HOUSEGUEST
Oh, I know.  I mean how was last night?

ETROGAY
Last night?  We went over to Coconut Grove.  Underwear party.

HOUSEGUEST
Coconut Grove?

ETROGAY
Yeah. Kind of a hike, but it was a nice walk on the beach back. It was super dark out.

HOUSEGUEST
You mean Cherry Grove.

ETROGAY
Oh. Why do I always call it Coconut Grove?

LILLYGAY
Scary Grove.

BIOLOGICALWOMAN approaches the three and points to the ferry.

BIOLOGICALWOMAN Excuse me? Is this the ferry, right here?

LILLYGAY
Don't you remember coming in on it? Yes, yes. Get right on.

OTHERGUEST passes by with OTHERRESIDENT.

OTHERGUEST I would have made the eleven o'clock, but I had a long night.

OTHERRESIDENT
With Tommy and Mikey?

OTHERGUEST
No, no. I had bought a bunch of "stuff" for the weekend, but let's just say I don't have any more.

LILLYGAY and ETROGAY have been joined by four FORTIESGAYS wearing a variety of print board shorts and swim trunks and shirtless for a quick bout of hugs and hellos. "Brunch," "pantry," and "blueberries" can be overheard.

HOUSEGUEST Are those all your friends? I didn't know you had older friends.

LILLYGAY
(Points to the giant looming Pavilion nightclub.) Thursday night we were in the bathroom over at that place.

ETROGAY
At High Tea.

LILLYGAY
Yeah, whatever. And I was like, "We need dinner." And these two old guys were in there and said, "We have dinner. It's a catered meal!"

HOUSEGUEST
You left with them?

LILLYGAY
Turns out it's some kind of birthday party. There was all kinds of port wine and asparagus and rice pilaf. And everybody there was really wasted. It was great.

HOUSEGUEST
Really?

LILLYGAY
It was so upscale.

HOUSEGUEST
Really.

ETROGAY
The guys were super-friendly.

HOUSEGUEST
Really. I want to meet them.

LILLYGAY
Oh, God. I don't even remember their names. Is anyone else coming out?

ETROGAY
I don't know if Snaps is coming or not. But I'm starving. I haven't eaten since last night.

LILLYGAY
Liar!

ETROGAY
What?

LILLYGAY
Liar! I saw you eat breakfast.

ETROGAY
Well, I did eat the rest of that pumpkin cake. That was nothing.

LILLYGAY
Liar, liar! It was two pieces! I don't know how you do it.

HOUSEGUEST
I brought lots of food, but nothing brunchy. I'm starving.

LILLYGAY
Well maybe you and Chubz here can wait for those birthday boys but I need to catch some rays. I've got PowerBars back at the house.

As the three walk away from the harbor, BIOLOGICALWOMAN is running toward the now departing boat, an iced coffee sweating in her hand.