The Fire Island Listening Project: Media matters

Last summer saw me eavesdropping on and reporting back from Fire Island Pines.  Gawker isn't running "And the Brand Played On" again this summer, but with "the season" rapidly coming up, it's time to re-visit the concept.  The following originally appeared August 7, 2007.  All dialogue 100% verbatim.

EXT. BAY BAR
The Sunday noon crowd at Bay Bar consists of those running in and out to get iced coffee products and those sitting at tables enjoying iced coffee products. VISORGAY, wearing olive drab cargo shorts and a navy mesh Nike visor, sits with TANKGAY, in olive drab cargo shorts and a robin's egg blue tank. They are at a prime table overlooking the harbor and the boardwalk that runs along it. Across the water, unidentifiable shrieks can be heard.

VISORGAY What is that noise?

TANKGAY
It's a kid.

VISORGAY
No, it's a dog.

TANKGAY
What kind of dog?

VISORGAY
An unhappy dog.

TANKGAY
I'll take an unhappy dog over an unhappy kid.

VISORGAY
What is with all the kids this year?

TANKGAY
I don't know, but they're everywhere.

VISORGAY
(In a radio announcer voice.) It's Kid's Day every Sunday in Fire Island Pines. That's right. Kids drink free.

TANKGAY
(Laughs.) Bring your kid and get a free bottle of WET!

NASTYPLASTY hops up the stairs and into Bay Bar. He wears over-sized sunglasses and thermal shorts with the words "Nasty Plasty" on the elastic band. They are cut off at the calf. The thermals are covered by leopard-print running shorts.

TANKGAY
Look at her!

VISORGAY
(In an affected Kimora Lee Simmons-esque accent.) She has got it going on!

TANKGAY
Obviously has a need to be the center of attention.

NASTYPLASTY darts in, comes out with an iced coffee product, and then runs down the stairs. At the same time a group of MIDDLEAGED GAYS in assorted polos and reading glasses gets up from a back table. They leave a stack of newspaper and magazines behind. TANKGAY goes to the abandoned table and takes the reading material to his table. TANKGAY takes the Economist; VISORGAY takes Time Out New York.

TANKGAY I never actually read this. I just listen to the podcasts while I'm on the treadmill. Sometimes I have to really pay attention because of the accent.

VISORGAY
The podcast is in British?

TANKGAY
Yeah. The other day. What was it? Oh. (Affects a British accent.) The American performing ah-tist, Fifty-Cent. Fiv. Tay. Cint. I'm like, "It's Fiddy. Fiddy!" (He looks at VISORGAY's Time Out.) Before I moved to New York, I used to think that was the best magazine.

VISORGAY
Which one?

TANKGAY
The one you're reading. When I lived outside New York, it seemed like a lifeline, but now I think it's just awful.

VISORGAY
Maybe it's because you live here now. Hmm. No. I think it's gone through a little downfall. Now it's just useful. It's a tool.

TANKGAY takes a Blackberry Pearl out of his pocket, and pushes several buttons.

TANKGAY My sister's kid. Modern. Can text message with the best of them. Told me about something his dog did.

VISORGAY
That's too much info. I read the first sentence of any text message and then I almost always just delete it.

TANKGAY
No wonder my phone isn't working right. All that downloading.

VISORGAY
Exactly. Delete, delete.

BOTH thumb through sections of Sunday's New York Times.

TANKGAY (He looks at The Week in Review section.) Do you know anyone in Minneapolis?

VISORGAY
No. Well. (Closes one eye and knits brows.) I don't know. I don't think so.

TANKGAY
Me either. It's cold there.

VISORGAY
It's cold here. Right? It's cold today.

TANKGAY
You probably got a little sun on your run. Did you bring your shirt?

VISORGAY
No. (He rubs his chest and very slightly tweaks his nipples.) I like the attention.