The Fire Island Listening Project: It's not gay; it's pretty.

Suddenly it's summer again, which means eavesdropping and reporting back from Fire Island Pines to learn how the gays function.  All dialogue based on real conversation.

ACT 1 SCENE 1

INT.  PENN STATION, LONG ISLAND RAILROAD TERMINAL
In the Friday afternoon hustle-bustle of Penn Station, three figures stand out in the crowd.  Named after their jackets HOODIEGAY, LOGOGAY, and CANVASGAY, the shortest of whom is six feet tall, each have two large pieces of luggage, and cell phones posted at their ears.  One carries a bag from McDonald’s. 

LOGOGAY points toward Track 21 and the other two follow down the stairs and, after some hand-gestured deliberation, choose seats.  HOODIEGAY and CANVASGAY end their conversations, pocketing their respective iPhone and Samsung Glyde phones.

CANVASGAY:  "He yelled at me."

HOODIEGAY:  "He's a yeller.  All architects are.  They can't handle pressure and then they start yelling.  Which is why I don't date architects.  Ever."

CANVASGAY:  "But there was no reason to yell."

HOODIEGAY:  “He missed the train.  He’s carrying those bags, and he’s got the dog.”

CANVASGAY: “My poor blind doggie.”

HOODIEGAY:  “But it’s not like he’s alone, right?  He left work with Barry?”

CANVASGAY: “He was yelling at him too.”

[LOGOGAY puts down a Blackberry 7100 and picks up a Blackberry Curve and begins typing. CANVASGAY’s phone rings.]

HOODIEGAY:  “What’s that gay noise?  [Turning to LOGOGAY] And why do you have two phones?”

LOGOGAY:  “One’s for work, and one’s for play.  I don’t combine the two.  Are they still fighting?”

HOODIEGAY:  “It’s not a fight.  Rigo is just, uh, expressing himself.  You know how the Latinos are.  Everything is passionate.  [Looks down at a vintage Rolex.]  He’s going to be really passionate in about a minute.  Make that now.  The door’s are closing.  [Turning to CANVASGAY] Vinny.  [Waving hand in front of CANVASGAY’s face] You can tell him he missed the train.

CANVASGAY:  No.  I can’t.  He hung up on me.

HOODIEGAY:  What’s done is done.  He’ll catch the next train and catch up when we transfer.

LOGOGAY:  No.  He won’t.  This is an express to Babylon.

HOODIEGAY:  It will all work out.  [Reaching into McDonald’s bag]  Here.  Eat your sammich.  What are these anyway?

CANVASGAY:  I just feel bad because he’s bringing the dog and Carlo is a lot of work.

LOGOGAY:  Carlo the blind dog we’ve heard so much about?

CANVASGAY:  My baby Carlito.  He can’t help …

HOODIEGAY:  It’s bad enough I’m eating McDonald’s, but it’s worse I’m eating alone.  Eat, Vinny.  You want a bite, Tad?  What are these?  They’re delicious.

CANVASGAY:  Southern style chicken sandwich.  Fried chicken on a simple buttered bun and pickles.  It’s like a picnic.

HOODIEGAY:  Ugh.  I’m having my fattest summer ever, for sure.  Whatever they’re using for butter flavor really sticks with you.  Wonderful.

CANVASGAY:  I’m just dreading my phone ringing again.

HOODIEGAY:   Me too.  You have a gay ringtone.

CANVASGAY:  It’s not gay; it’s pretty.

END ACT 1; SCENE 1
TO BE CONTINUED ...