Oh no, summer, where did you go? Pages of eavesdropped notes from trains, ferries, parties, and other Fire Island Pines locations are ready to be reported back to illustrate how the gays function. All dialog based
on real conversation.
ACT 2, SCENE 1
EXT. A THREE-FLOOR RESIDENCE ON OCEAN WALK
There are approximately 200 gay men and five women at the pool party. The party is in full swing on a Saturday mid-afternoon. While the home has enough room for all to spread out, certain areas are more crowded than others. The staffed bars and roof deck are particularly populous. Drinks in one hand and railing in the other, HAIRGAY AND BAREGAY (named according to their chest hair or lack thereof) are in a string of gay men climbing a metal spiral staircase from the second floor deck off of the living area to the third floor roof deck of the residence.
HAIRGAY: Well, I hate to be "that boy at the party", but if I ...
HOSTGAY: Coming down, bitches. You have to get out of my way because I live here, okay?
[HOSTGAY releases a 'boi'sterous laugh and squeezes down the already crowded staircase as it releases metallic creaks.]
BAREGAY: Is that one of the birthday boys?
HAIRGAY: They should wear nametags, because I have no idea. I don't think I know anybody that lives here.
BAREGAY: You know Patrick and Theo. They were at our Invasion post-party. You were in the hot tub with them.
HAIRGAY: And half the island, too. Don't worry, if you see them just say their names, and I'll play along. But I was saying, I don't want to be "that boy" but if you're going ...
BAREGAY: Hold on a second. Look at this view! They get the bay and the ocean. That's just fantastic, isn't it? Too bad they have to look at that deck over there.
HAIRGAY: That's the one we're always trying to figure out from our deck. I thought it was just this narrow strip of roof, but it ... oh. Oh no! It's two levels.
BAREGAY: I hate it. It looks like they must have bought a kit at Sears or something. Look at those struts keeping it up. And just so much balustrade. The poor things. That's code now you know.
HAIRGAY: What's code?
BAREGAY: The balustrades. The code requires decks to have all those extra verticals. It's just awful. Building code is just to protect the children and the idiots. Did you know you can't build a pool with a diving board in Suffolk County anymore?
HAIRGAY: Morsey had a diving board at his place.
BAREGAY: Well it was built before the code change then. Look at that pool down there. Wouldn't it be better with a board? I mean, it's a great pool, but ... Is that Tim? With Hans?
HAIRGAY: I don't know any Hans. Which Tim? Tall tattoo Tim?
BAREGAY: No, little Tim with the bick dig.
HAIRGAY: Oh, by the bar. He has no business in a Speedo though.
BAREGAY: He's got all kinds of business in that Speedo. This is sort of a perfect spot, isn't it?
HAIRGAY: Like I was trying to say, I like the house and all, but I'd never want to live right off of the Dick Dock. There's always all that late ...
BAREGAY: The roof deck.
HAIRGAY: What?
BAREGAY: The roof deck is the perfect spot to stand and watch. Not the house. I'd never live right off of the Dick Dock.
HAIRGAY: Right? I thought I was being "that boy" again.
BAREGAY: Look around you. Every boy here is "that boy".
END ACT II, SCENE I
TO BE CONTINUED ...
