Disclaimer:
I am no more qualified to give advice than Doctor Phil is to give
weight-loss tips, Kimora Lee is to doling out fashion direction, or
anyone at Cosmo
is to providing tips to pleasing a man. But they do it. Granted, they
have lawyers and shit-piles of money. But I don't. So remember, that
anything you read here might be horribly, horribly wrong. Or it may be
horribly, horribly right.
My guess is as good as yours, just better.
Ask me: addvice[at] rodtownsend [dot] com
Dear Add Vice -
Listen, I hate to dump on you, but honestly I really want the 411!
WTF!
Why is it I only meet couples who are the epitome of what I don't want?
The LAST MOTHERFUCKING thing I want is someone's husband to hit on me,
and the even MORE LAST THING I WANT, is for BOTH OF THEM TO..
What am I doing wrong? Where can I go to meet normal people?
Okay
where can I go to meet people who I don't find so repulsive? Where can
I meet people who aren't so gay that they think they have to accept
such a libertine perspective, geezus, I am no prude but DAMB! I went
out with a couple tonight thinking it was going to be a nice social
thing... Watching them both fail in trying to hook up me then switching
to pawing friends and other available... I have to stop, geezus, I am
so not into what happened it's not even funny!
Maybe you can help me... Or at least ridicule me into some sort of understanding.
-rr
Oh, "rr", what you may see as ridicule I see as "tough love". And I do love you. Along with everybody else in the world. Except for some people whom I don't love.
But because I love you, I think it best that we get the sex thing out of the way now. You see, you're a gay man. I am too. And often with "the gays" there is a time in your development when you are constantly springing a boner at the most awkward of times. As a result, we pull back and become less affectionate. In time we get over it, but little scars are made on our psyches.
In time scars heal, but the nerve endings might get a little jumbled in the process. (From some broken bones in my left hand a few years back, sometimes sensations on my ring finger register as in the palm of my hand instead.) So when you meet new gays, don't be surprised when their scrambled nerve endings interpret "You're a swell fellow. Let's grab a drink." as "I want to ride you like a four year old on a quarter-paid mechanical horse."
While it may not ring as appropriate in heteronormative value configuration, amongst gay men, this is, well, sort of normal. For you, I suggest sticking to your own values with a winking "Thanks, but no", and then pursuing topics that do interest you. If your value system is so out of line with your new friends, it's likely that this budding friendship was soon to wilt anyway.
From my own experience, the polyamorous sevensome in which I'm currently involved did indeed start in a manner where we all tried each other on, but then moved (quickly) to friendships. To hear that friends have at one time or another had sex at one point isn't shocking (anymore). At the same time, I have other friendships that have never had a sexual component. And I date from outside the friend pool.
But back to your main question: "What am I doing wrong? Where can I go to meet normal people? "
1. You're doing nothing wrong if you're being true to yourself.
2. Expand your definition of normal to the circumstances in which you are, and you'll find that most people consider themselves normal. The key is to meet as many people as possible, thus expanding the pool of choices and the likelihood of finding people compatible with you as friends and as lovers, with no mixing thereof. Or not.
