Last night I attended a benefit in the place of a friend that has swine flu, er, H1N1. Not the jokey, "I've got swine flu," but the real deal, diagnosed by a doctor version. Bored this morning (he's not the type to spend so much time at home) he inquired on how things went. Following is my report back:
First of all, thank you for the opportunity to attend in
your stead. Here’s what I remember:
- I decided that Long Island
Iced Teas were a good idea. I had five or six of them. In your name.
- [Redacted-1] capped the evening with
a round of Jaeger shots for us all.
- There were some cute guys
there, but all had flaws. The cutest one had this lovely full beard, but had
this inch of space where his sideburns would be. There was also a tall handsome
one that just could not look my way. He was obviously
retarded.
- The food? Pretzels and goldfish.
- There was a gigantess there
with huge tits that just were barely held in by a skimpy outfit. She was
amazing and I love her.
- We just HAD to meet [redacted-2] because of her amazing name. She sheparded us into the upstairs VIP
area.
- The VIP food? Six-foot long sandwich! It was very delicious!
- It was the first time I
think I’ve ever gone upstairs at Stonewall. I think it might be a good birthday
venue. Speakeasy feel.
- The bathroom did not lock.
Even if you closed the door, people would walk in on you. [Redacted-1] took a dump
anyway.
- Afterwards we met [redacted-4] and [redacted-5] (both of whom I now like very much) at Automatic
Slims.
- [Redacted-6] joined us, but did not
eat. DOES [REDACTED-3] EAT?????
- I had the Catfish Fingers.
I did not know Catfish had HANDS!?!?!?!? Anyway, in drunkenness, I dumped the
entire plate in my lap. I was befuddled by the tartar sauce stain on my pants
this morning.
- I bought a comic book on the
way home and took the subway. I do not remember buying or reading the comic
book, but it was in my bed with me when I woke up this
morning.
- For some reason I am not
hungover.
- Again, thank you.
