Manhattan Offender

Add Vice - Polyamorous or Pollyannarous?

Disclaimer: I am no more qualified to give advice than Doctor Phil is to give weight-loss tips, Kimora Lee is to doling out fashion direction, or anyone at Cosmo is to providing tips to pleasing a man.  But they do it.  Granted, they have lawyers and shit-piles of money.  But I don't.  So remember, that anything you read here might be horribly, horribly wrong.  Or it may be horribly, horribly right. 

My guess is as good as yours, just better.

Ask me:  addvice[at] rodtownsend [dot] com

Dear Add Vice -

Listen, I hate to dump on you, but honestly I really want the 411!

WTF! Why is it I only meet couples who are the epitome of what I don't want? The LAST MOTHERFUCKING thing I want is someone's husband to hit on me, and the even MORE LAST THING I WANT, is for BOTH OF THEM TO..

What am I doing wrong? Where can I go to meet normal people?

Okay where can I go to meet people who I don't find so repulsive? Where can I meet people who aren't so gay that they think they have to accept such a libertine perspective, geezus, I am no prude but DAMB! I went out with a couple tonight thinking it was going to be a nice social thing... Watching them both fail in trying to hook up me then switching to pawing friends and other available... I have to stop, geezus, I am so not into what happened it's not even funny!

Maybe you can help me... Or at least ridicule me into some sort of understanding.

-rr

Add Vice - Ten tips to affording life in New York City with your five-figure income.

1. Make your own coffee when you wake up at home.
2. Sleep in the apartments of others and offer to make breakfast.  Prepare a meal that will get you through to dinner.
3. Drink dark drinks when at bars.  Make every other drink a Diet Coke.  (Or even every two of
   three drinks.)  Your friends will be bombed, and you'll be
   moderately blitzed.  You will save money and earn props.
4. Buy separates, never suits/dresses.  Limit your color palate.
5. Avoid carbs.  Even though they are less expensive, you will be more
   moody and bloaty.  Nobody buys things for moody, bloaty people.
6. Avoid gays.  They spend money without a thought.
7. Do not believe the "Cheap Eats" issue of any magazine.  Ever.
8. Have potentially fat friends.  They will, it time, gain weight and give you clothes.
9. Keep all of your receipts.  For everything.
10. Be friendly to the neighborhood bodega owner, dry cleaner, super of
    your building, laundry folks, and neighbors.  Listen to the stories
    about the trip to the park for abuelita's 55th birthday.  This may not
    save you money, but it will help you realize that these folks, whose
    neighborhood you probably 'gentrified' have gotten by on so much less
    for so long, work harder than you could ever imagine, and have afforded
    living here and found some genuine joy in their lives on meager incomes.

In response to: Tumblr.

Add Vice: Contract and Release

Disclaimer: I am no more qualified to give advice than Doctor Phil is to give weight-loss tips, Kimora Lee is to doling out fashion direction, or anyone at Cosmo is to providing tips to pleasing a man.  But they do it.  Granted, they have lawyers and shit-piles of money.  But I don't.  So remember, that anything you read here might be horribly, horribly wrong.  Or it may be horribly, horribly right. 

My guess is as good as yours, just better.

Ask me:  rod [at] manhattanoffender [dot] com

Dear Add Vice -

I have an addendum to the quandry that you advised so hilariously and eloquently earlier this year and update - the offending intern was Not Asked Back, the darling one remained, they made me the editor of the Food section, and all was jolly -- for a time). In place of the offending intern, The Powers That Be have now placed a production contractor who:

1. Spends seemingly unhealthy amounts of time in the bathroom, and is a known over-the-stall peeper.
2. Repeatedly attempts to foist large bags of Jet-Puf marshmallows upon me.
3. Eats things that smell like cat food, lentils and sadness.
4. Wants to be my friend and has stated as such - though I can't see why, what with my stinking to the high heavens of ambient lentils now.

Advice to keep me from ending up at Bellvue/Rikers?

(And yes - I DO love you. In a totally literary-crushy kind of way, what with the non-penis-having on my part, but I'm sure if I did, I'd totes wanna hit that.)

xoxo,
Kitty

Add Vice: Dante's Interno

Disclaimer: I am no more qualified to give advice than Doctor Phil is to give weight-loss tips, Kimora Lee is to doling out fashion direction, or anyone at Cosmo is to providing tips to pleasing a man.  But they do it.  Granted, they have lawyers and shit-piles of money.  But I don't.  So remember, that anything you read here might be horribly, horribly wrong.  Or it may be horribly, horribly right. 

My guess is as good as yours, just better.

Ask me:  mo [at] manhattanoffender [dot] com

Dear Add Vice -
How do I refrain from murdering the intern who speaks loudly, inanely and at length with her mother on the phone each day (2-3 a week) she's in the office? I'm not sure if it's the noise itself, or that she's 20-something and still chats with "mommy" ad-nauseating, but I want to harm her and I know I technically shouldn't. In theory, I could use the excuse that I'm tapering off Effexor and my brain is semi-addled, but I also don't want to hurt my hands pummeling this young lady.
Is it my problem, her problem, or society's?
Love,
Kitty With A Whippet

Add Vice: Internot dating

Disclaimer:  I am no more qualified to give advice than Doctor Phil is to give weight-loss tips, Kimora Lee is to doling out fashion direction, or anyone at Cosmo is to providing tips to pleasing a man.  They do it though, thus can I.  Granted, they have lawyers and shit-piles of money.  I don't.  So remember, that anything you read here might be horribly, horribly wrong.  Or it may be horribly, horribly right.  My guess is as good as yours, just better.

Dear Add Vice -
This is a query that I often ask myself (and remember it's a strai8 gurl asking the question):  "When internet dating, how many email exchanges before you actually set up a meeting?"
-Waiting for Dating

This is too easy, WfD.  Once you've seen pictures of his cock, set a date and time.

Oh, wait.  You're a straight girl.

You have needs.  And expectations.  You have to figure those out first.

Maybe an exercise would be helpful: 

• Take a moment to think about what you are expecting from someone that you meet on the Internet. 
• Take an equal amount of time considering what your needs are in not just a date, but a relationship. 
• Once all of these are clear in your mind, take out a piece of paper, divide it in half, and draw a line down the division creating two columns. 
• List your needs in one column and your expectations, both positive and negative, in the other.
• Draw lines from each need as they pertain to your expectations. 
• Tally each expectation for every line that points to it and then rank your expectations. 
• Make a mental note of your top three expectations.
• Now refer back to the email correspondence that you've had with your Internet friend and see if you are, to date, meeting your top expectations. 
• If you aren't meeting those expectations, then your needs are not being fulfilled and it's time to take things to the next level. 
• If your needs are being met, then you've probably been corresponding for quite a while.  And it's time to take it to the next level.
• Throw away the piece of paper.

By this point, you may have realized that the entire exercise above is bogus, but, as a "strai8 gurl" (which, if you sound it comes out to to being a "stray eight" gurl so maybe just str8 is more accurate) you probably of the type that likes to take quizzes, score them, and learn things about yourself that you already know.  (A quick perusal of Cosmo and Glamour confirms this.)  What you're really doing is organizing your thoughts and reminding yourself of something you already know.

In this case, what you already know is that you are ready for this guy to ask you out.  He hasn't though.  Because he's shy or sweet or maybe a little insecure.  So slip on the strap-on for just a moment while you sit at your computer and ask him out.  If you're ready and if he is too, neither of you will regret taking the time to see what's really up.  If you're ready and he's not, then there's probably a big difference to the way you approach social situations and, in the long run, you may very well not be compatible.  By putting the question out there, you're finding this out now.  Regardless, it's a win/win situation.  Long story short?  If you're thinking about asking someone out over the Internet, just do it.

Add Vice: From buddy to boyfriend

Disclaimer:  I am no more qualified to give advice than Doctor Phil is to give weight-loss tips, Kimora Lee is to doling out fashion direction, or anyone at Cosmo is to providing tips to pleasing a man.  But they do it.  Granted, they have lawyers and shit-piles of money.  But I don't.  So remember, that anything you read here might be horribly, horribly wrong.  Or it may be horribly, horribly right.  My guess is as good as yours, just better.

Dear Add Vice -
I have a super-hot Italian fuck buddy that I've been kicking it to for about a year now. We totally click sexually. Whenever we hook up, we have amazing intergalactic sex that only gets better each time. We also have great rapport which makes me wonder, dear advice columnist, should I take this to the next level? If so, any advice on how to make him my boyfriend instead of just fuck buddy?
-BFNYC

Oh, BFNYC, why would you want to ruin a perfectly good relationship?  With a fuck buddy (FB) you have someone that comes to your door with only one thing on their mind.  With an FB you have someone that doesn't need to tell you about what happened at work that day or that upsetting dialog they had with their friend.  With an FB you don't have to feign an interest in their collection of Maria Callas records/Spider-Man comics/Hummel figurines. 

Before trying to flip you FB into a BF, first look at your own motivations.  You have "amazing intergalactic sex" and a "great rapport", but this isn't enough.  You're seeking more, but why?  Are you seeing other people in addition to FB?  If you're not, then you're being lazy.  It's easy to stop dating when you have a convenient fall-back plan.  Are you thinking about him when you do have sex with other guys?  If so, don't confuse these thoughts of fantasy with thoughts of romance.  You're not missing him; you're fantasizing.  Sometimes I think about Manuel Torres, but it doesn't mean I'm in love with him.

Next look at his motivations.  Assuming you know more about him than just that spot on his frenulum that makes him freaky, go through the same retinue of questions you would with someone you've just met.  Is he closeted?  Does he already have a boyfriend?  For what other possible reasons has he not tried to advance the relationship?

Then consider the time you spend together in your "great rapport".  If the basis of that rapport is only sex-based, that is possible to have with many.  Even if it is based on subjects as the general workings of the world or how crazy other people are, you don't have something unique.  What is needed is a commonality or at least tangential harmony of interests, tastes, and world-view.

With all of the above mitigating factors out of the way, you can pursue flipping your FB to a BF, and it's probably easier than you suspect.  First of all, never make the approach to broaden your horizons before the sex.  Right now the basis of your time together is the sex, and you don't want to mess with that.  Put out, then pursue

During the post-coital period, make small talk inquiring what your FB will be doing later/tomorrow/on the weekend.  If one of the activities matches one of your own interests, casually mention that fact.  ("Oh, you're working on your bonsai?  Did I ever mention that I minored in botany at university?")  Do not offer to join them in whatever activity they mention.  The next time they visit, again put out and then pursue.  Follow up the previous conversation to display your maintained interest.  ("How's your shimpaku doing?  Are you keeping it in direct sunlight?")  On your next meeting, again get your sex on.  Then have a mutually interesting activity in mind, but don't mention it immediately after the sex.  As he's getting dressed and ready to leave, bring it up, almost as an afterthought.  ("Oh, you know what, I just read about The Steinhardt Conservatory at the Brooklyn Botanical Garden.  Can you believe there's a museum just for bonsai?  I want to check it out sometime.")

Boom.  You're dating.  From there you can see if fuck buddy works as boyfriend material.  You had asked about turning your FB into an BF.  And the correct short-form answer is that you cannot.  But you can turn him from a fuck buddy into a date.  If it grows from there, awesome.  If not, keep having the great sex, but also keep dating other people.

Add vice

Something arrogant inside of me makes me think I give good advice.  Advice that is cold and logical and not emotion-driven, but at the same time compassionate to the person asking.  In a world where Doctor Phil gives weight-loss advice and Oprah gives love advice and Kimora Lee Simmons gives fashion advice, surely there is a place for me.

My advice column would be an Add Vice column.  (And yes, addvice.com is already taken.)  Ignoring typical mores and social norms.  Telling people in relationships where the other half is a coke-head to get that other half some crystal.  Telling someone that suspects that they are a sex addict that in reality they are just bored.  Telling women to treat their men like gay men do.

There's probably some $10K Mediabistro class on starting up an advice column, but I'm short that by about $11K.  But the world, quite certainly, needs me. 

To build up a portfolio, I'll just put it out there.  Ask me.  Send questions to AddVice AT manhattanoffender DOT com.  All questions will be answered.