Manhattan Offender

Yippee! Keep on celebrating the nouvelle Grande Dépression with bargains galore. Don't have cash? Put it on your credit card! Mortgage grandma's condo! Live! Live! Live!

One good thing about being in The End Times is all of the bargains you can pick up as businesses fail.  So get your warm and snuggly feather bed now.  It will be totally comfortable in the cardboard box of your Central Park shantytown penthouse.

Linens 'n Things

Words I use too often

Acceptable
Finger
Homo
Kind
Lovely
Handsome
Mitigating
Slag

BREAKING: WTF!?!

There are pimentos in my chicken ceasar! 
What the hell?

Valentine's Day: My Craigslist ad

Yesterday morning, spurred by an odd dream, I woke up thinking that I wanted a date for Valentine's Day.  As I never use Craigslist, I was unfamiliar with the typical content on the m4m section there.  Needless to say, my posting is not typical for the site.  Following is the ad posted on Craigslist, as written in fifteen minutes at six in the morning.

Note for the sake of clarity: I'm not seeking to date a blind person. Although I'm very open-minded and would date someone "differently abled", I'm not actively seeking someone blind. It's not a fetish of mine. So if you are not blind, it's okay, tiger; this posting is for you too.

This is not the posting of someone that never dates or can't find a date. I've dated several guys in the past year, but nothing really "stuck". It's all ended well and has resulted in increasing my Facebook friends. And the sex has been very good too except that premature ejaculator. (He came while we were kissing. Granted, I'm a pretty good kisser.)

Who am I? A dudely guy that lives in Astoria, but spends an inordinate amount of time downtown. A writer that is told he's funny, but isn't one of those "talks too much about himself" writers. Also a writer that doesn't pay all of his bills with writing and has an Operations/Logistics, hardcore small business, well-paying Monday to Friday job.

Oh, you want the statistics? Six feet, 190 in decent shape pounds, hair buzzed with a number two trimmer. I have a beard that's trimmed down and a mustache that isn't trimmed as much. Color? Kinda dark blond and red. (My pubes are totally red!) My eyes are steely blue. I'm white, mostly German background. I'm hot if you're into me, but just good looking if you're not.

(As I write more of this, I realize I'm not selling myself. I sort of dislike people that sell themselves. Not prostitutes mind you. Them I like; they're awesome. You know the type - self-promoting asshats. Them I dislike.)

What do I like? Well, if you've endured reading this, that's promising. I like story-tellers and jokers. Goofballs. I also really like businessmen. Really serious people. I like a lot of guys actually as long as they're conversant. Physically? I tend to be attracted to darker hair and eyes. Facial and body hair (natural looks) are a plus but totally not required. Nothing too fussy. Fussy is a turn-off. Please be within ten years of my age. No height requirement though. Don't really like super big guys I suppose. Or anorexics. (Sorry anorexics, but you'll find love somewhere!) And if you don't meet some of the criteria, don't pussy out. I'm very inconsistent.

As for a date, I'm all for meeting up to play some pool. Pool is a great first date activity. And I totally suck at playing pool. I'm a worse bowler. A first date just eating food and looking at someone on the other side of the table is too much. And if we get bored, that would totally blow. We could just about anything, really. Except go to a fast-food or chain restaurant. That would be disturbing.

We might make out. We might even have sex. I don't have hangups against that. But I'm in no rush either. We might just tease each other a bit to ensure seeing one another again. We might shake hands and wish one another "best in all your future endeavours" or become Facebook "friends", but hopefully not. I'd prefer to get at least a little play.

(If none of this works out, I can still meet up with some buds after work and have a couple of scotches, go home, check Manhunt, ask myself why I waste time looking at Manhunt, and then go to sleep with my cat nestled in my armpit. So, no Obi Wan Kenobi, you're not my only hope. But a date would be nice.)

So here is the tough part: next steps. Please send me an email and a picture (of yourself or of a funny animal). I'm not posting a picture of myself, but instead will post a selection of the new Totes Rhianna (sp?) umbrellas just as an act of random.

Yes, it is unfair that I get to see you first, but ... I don't want to catch shit for being so mucho desperado as to put up a craigslist ad. Because I'm not mucho desperado, I'm just open to trying something different. As are you for having read this. So send me the e-mail already, pony!

Surrounded by ads for those seeking a more carnal experience, my ad still drew several replies.  In fact I had dinner with one of them last night.  And will probably check a couple more of them out over time.  For now though, a couple of scotches with the friends is probably preferable.  The lesson?  Don't follow your dreams, kids.  Lock them up in a little box.  And put a condom in the box as well.  Just in case.