When the call from Bankable Productions came, my surprise was very evident to the Associate Producer on the other line. This isn't a site where America's Next Top Model is a main topic, merely a strange cultural phenomenon that is noted from time to time. Yet the invitation was given to see the most recent episode before it aired. Information was exchanged and the plain-wrapped DVD arrived by messenger in less than two hours.
The DVD contained possibly the most amazing episode of ANTM, nay, any reality show ever.
The beginning is as beginnings are. The assorted girls wake up and start the day. CariDee makes a strange, unrealistic imitation of Twiggy that causes Anchal to erupt milk from her morning's cereal out of her nose, grossing out Eugena out and leaving Brooke wanting to up the ante.
A call comes to the house for A.J. where the fan-favorite, stong-performing model is informed of the death of a great aunt. What we learn however is that A.J. was raised by that great aunt and is devastated. Temporarily. She makes a decision to go on with the competition and not leave for the funeral. A conversation with an off-screen producer confirms that she chooses to tough it out.
In the first competition the models are challenged to act as entertainment reporters at a runway event attended by former ANTM models and Janice Dickinson. During A.J.'s turn at the mic, she breaks into tears which, because they do not about the great aunt, causes the other contestants to begin to wonder about A.J.'s ability to stay in the competition. At this time we learn that the departed's name was Janet. A.J. again states that she can go on with the competition.
For the main event, the TyraMail reveals that the photoshoot will involve "moving targets". The contestants are to dress and do their own hair and makeup and are driven individually to the competition. But the competition is actually in the car which is then chased by three other cars with faux paparazzi photographers taking pictures while giving chase. At this point (and really, this is insane) it is revealed that great aunt Janet was killed ... in an auto accident. A.J. is in hysterics.
Yet for whatever reason she does not withdraw from the competition.
At the final evaluation the panel goes through the photos. Tyra Banka, Mister Jay, Miss Jay, Twiggy, and guest judge Janice Dickinson go through the regular patter with all of the models. (They sing an ANTM version of the Melrose Place theme song while Melrose is on the hotseat.) A.J.'s photo comes to the screen and the judging panel eviscerates her, evoking a screaming and crying fit from the model. During deliveration, Tyra evokes a haughty "She who was on top of the top is now on the bottom of the bottom."
The two up for elimination are a composed Jaeda (still looking masculine) and a sobbing (yes, sobbing) A.J. Tyra announces that Jaeda will stay, noting that she cannot understand the severe change of temperment and ability. A.J. finally explains what has happened, the significance of the great aunt in her life and eventually sobs in Tyra's arms. During all of this Tyra's face transmutes from somber to shock to rage.
Tyra releases A.J., who is now surrounded by the other models and judges. The camera follows her off the set where she goes into a tirade (Tyrade?) at the production staff, whose faces are obscured or blurred. Essentially it is revealed that no one had informed Tyra of what had occurred. Tyra yells out "BANKable Productions! Tyra Banks! Executive Producer! You. Are. All. FIRED!" The credits roll with no music and it is announced that the show is on hiatus for three weeks.
It is the most stunning moment of a reality show that has ever been witnessed.
And then I woke up.
(Actually this is just an example that fiction is better than truth any day. Support quality writing on television. Watch Weeds! Stop watching reality television; it only appeals to your most base impulses!)
Yes, it's been on forever, and, yes, it's become self-aware and self-mocking, and yes, it's faggy as all hell. But you have to watch the season finale of America's Next Top Model. Just to keep Tyra Banks busy. Because the world does not need a Tyra roaming around with time on her hands.
