Manhattan Offender

The Fire Island Listening Project: It's not gay; it's pretty.

Suddenly it's summer again, which means eavesdropping and reporting back from Fire Island Pines to learn how the gays function.  All dialogue based on real conversation.

ACT 1 SCENE 1

INT.  PENN STATION, LONG ISLAND RAILROAD TERMINAL
In the Friday afternoon hustle-bustle of Penn Station, three figures stand out in the crowd.  Named after their jackets HOODIEGAY, LOGOGAY, and CANVASGAY, the shortest of whom is six feet tall, each have two large pieces of luggage, and cell phones posted at their ears.  One carries a bag from McDonald’s. 

LOGOGAY points toward Track 21 and the other two follow down the stairs and, after some hand-gestured deliberation, choose seats.  HOODIEGAY and CANVASGAY end their conversations, pocketing their respective iPhone and Samsung Glyde phones.

CANVASGAY:  "He yelled at me."

HOODIEGAY:  "He's a yeller.  All architects are.  They can't handle pressure and then they start yelling.  Which is why I don't date architects.  Ever."

CANVASGAY:  "But there was no reason to yell."

HOODIEGAY:  “He missed the train.  He’s carrying those bags, and he’s got the dog.”

CANVASGAY: “My poor blind doggie.”

HOODIEGAY:  “But it’s not like he’s alone, right?  He left work with Barry?”

CANVASGAY: “He was yelling at him too.”

[LOGOGAY puts down a Blackberry 7100 and picks up a Blackberry Curve and begins typing. CANVASGAY’s phone rings.]

HOODIEGAY:  “What’s that gay noise?  [Turning to LOGOGAY] And why do you have two phones?”

LOGOGAY:  “One’s for work, and one’s for play.  I don’t combine the two.  Are they still fighting?”

HOODIEGAY:  “It’s not a fight.  Rigo is just, uh, expressing himself.  You know how the Latinos are.  Everything is passionate.  [Looks down at a vintage Rolex.]  He’s going to be really passionate in about a minute.  Make that now.  The door’s are closing.  [Turning to CANVASGAY] Vinny.  [Waving hand in front of CANVASGAY’s face] You can tell him he missed the train.

CANVASGAY:  No.  I can’t.  He hung up on me.

HOODIEGAY:  What’s done is done.  He’ll catch the next train and catch up when we transfer.

LOGOGAY:  No.  He won’t.  This is an express to Babylon.

HOODIEGAY:  It will all work out.  [Reaching into McDonald’s bag]  Here.  Eat your sammich.  What are these anyway?

CANVASGAY:  I just feel bad because he’s bringing the dog and Carlo is a lot of work.

LOGOGAY:  Carlo the blind dog we’ve heard so much about?

CANVASGAY:  My baby Carlito.  He can’t help …

HOODIEGAY:  It’s bad enough I’m eating McDonald’s, but it’s worse I’m eating alone.  Eat, Vinny.  You want a bite, Tad?  What are these?  They’re delicious.

CANVASGAY:  Southern style chicken sandwich.  Fried chicken on a simple buttered bun and pickles.  It’s like a picnic.

HOODIEGAY:  Ugh.  I’m having my fattest summer ever, for sure.  Whatever they’re using for butter flavor really sticks with you.  Wonderful.

CANVASGAY:  I’m just dreading my phone ringing again.

HOODIEGAY:   Me too.  You have a gay ringtone.

CANVASGAY:  It’s not gay; it’s pretty.

END ACT 1; SCENE 1
TO BE CONTINUED ...

The Fire Island Listening Project: She done

Last summer saw me eavesdropping on and reporting back from Fire Island Pines.  Gawker isn't running "And the Brand Played On" again this summer, but with "the season" rapidly coming up, it's time to re-visit the concept.  The following originally appeared September 10, 2007.  All dialogue 100% verbatim.

EXT. THE HARBOR OF FIRE ISLAND PINES
The Sunday afternoon crowd stands in a line stretching far back onto the Fire Island Boulevard boardwalk. Assorted gays stand in the line with a variety of shapes and styles of luggage waiting for their ferry home. Three Asian-American men in their late twenties stand in the queue. BAGGAGEGAY stands with a red Victorinox wheeled duffel, two Trader Joe's shopping bags and a Victorinox Vertical Deluxe Travel Companion slung around his neck over the opposite shoulder. With him are BOREDGAY, wearing an over-sized white tee and light blue Adidas basketball shorts, and EXCITEDGAY, wearing a tight white tank and G-Unit "Soul Stars" plaid shorts.

EXCITEDGAY One more picture!  Me and you, honey!  Here, take this. (Hands a black MotoQ phone to BOREDGAY and stands with BAGGAGEGAY.)

BOREDGAY
Take off your purse.

BAGGAGEGAY
(Shooting a perturbed look at BOREDGAY.)  It's not a ...

BOREDGAY
Just take it off.  It's making your tits look uneven.

BAGGAGEGAY removes the Travel Companion.

EXCITEDGAY
Cheeses!  (Turns to BAGGAGEGAY.) Are you sure you have to go? The weather's so nice now, and yesterday was so bad. There's still a couple hours of good sun left. And we got those really nice salmon steaks from Citarella. Dinner?

BAGGAGEGAY
Then I'll have drinks at dinner. And then we'll go to Tea. Somehow I'll be calling the office to say I'm running late on Monday. I can't do it this week. We've got market coming up and everybody is running around like crazy already. Trust me, I'm tempted.

EXCITEDGAY
And you're not coming out in September?

BAGGAGEGAY
That's my busiest month, sweetie.  I've had my fun, and I'm done. 

EXCITEDGAY
Just come out in September at least once.  It's more mellow and less party-party, I promise.  You paid for it!

BAGGAGEGAY
I really can't.  Really, really can't.

BLONDEGAY passes the three, carrying bags from The Pines Pantry, stops and approaches EXCITEDGAY.

BLONDEGAY
Tell me you three are not leaving.

EXCITEDGAY
No.  Just Johnny.

BLONDEGAY
Oh, well, okay then.  (To BAGGAGEGAY.)  Have to go, huh?  Well ... bye! (To EXCITEDGAY.) And I'll see you later! (He scampers off.)

EXCITEDGAY
Such a queen.  (Nods.)  Love.  And we should go, too. (To BOREDGAY.) We should get mixers and chips while we're in town.

BOREDGAY
I didn't bring my wallet.

EXCITEDGAY
I have my card.  (To BAGGAGEGAY.)  You okay here?  We should really go.

BAGGAGEGAY
Yeah, go, I'm fine.  Really, I'm fine.

EXCITEDGAY gives and extended hug to BAGGAGEGAY.

EXCITEDGAY
And we're going to look at houses for next year tomorrow. Maybe we'll find something. I'll send you pictures if we do. I can't believe summer's already over. What happened, right?

BAGGAGEGAY
I'm not even sure about next summer, but send the pictures.  I should have it all figured out soon.

EXCITEDGAY gives a second hug to BAGGAGEGAY.

EXCITEDGAY
Okay then.  Call me when you get home!

BOREDGAY
Later.

As EXCITEDGAY and BOREDGAY walk away, BAGGAGEGAY pulls an iPhone from his Travel Companion and begins reading e-mail and text messages. EXCITEDGAY and BOREDGAY sashay past a round bench in the middle of the harbor.

Seated on the bench is RHYMESWITHHOMO, wearing floral-print Paul Smith sandals, gray Penguin mid-calf shorts, a navy American Apparel "summer tee", Oliver Peoples "Voltaire" sunglasses and a patterned navy Triple 5 Soul painter's cap. He writes in an Ampad Reporter's Notebook with a Pilot Fine-Liner pen. Putting down the pen, he tips down the sunglasses to reveal riveting steel blue eyes that stare directly into the AUDIENCE. After an uncomfortable pause, he speaks.

RHYMESWITHHOMO
She done.

 

The Fire Island Listening Project: Beware the backpacker

Last summer saw me eavesdropping on and reporting back from Fire Island Pines.  Gawker isn't running "And the Brand Played On" again this summer, but with "the season" rapidly coming up, it's time to re-visit the concept.  The following originally appeared August 24, 2007.  All dialogue 100% verbatim.

EXT. FIRE ISLAND PINES PAVILION NIGHTCLUB

The Saturday night/Sunday morning 3 a.m. new moon sky is extra dark, lit only with an abundance of stars. The only light comes from what is also the primary source of noise in the still night: Pavilion. Outside a variety of gays presides. Some sit at wire mesh tables, smoking and chatting. Others stand in groups while others walk seemingly aimless through the night.

A group of gays wearing assorted low-rise jeans and no shirts sit at a table barely touched by the outside lighting. All are in their early thirties. MARLBOROGAY and PARLIAMENTGAY glow in the dim light, their muscular bodies pink-tan and glistened with sweat. SMOKELESSGAY sits with them, with comparatively thin and pale.

MARLBOROGAY (Lighting a Marlboro Light) Do you want a cigarette?

SMOKELESSGAY
You know I don't smoke.

PARLIAMENTGAY
(Smoking a Parliament Light.)  Sometimes you do.  Last weekend.  Posh.

SMOKELESSGAY
I smoke when I do coke because I get fidgety.  Is JAMES still inside?

MARLBOROGAY
Yeah, he's dancing with that older guy.  He totally loves those ... Look at that.

PARLIAMENTGAY looks toward the door of the nightclub where ADIDASGAY exits and jaunts past their table wearing tight silver Adidas sweatpants with red stripes. After passing the table he begins to walk quickly down the boardwalk.

ADIDASGAY  (Yelling into the night.)  José!  ... José!

PARLIAMENTGAY
Wish my name was José.  Damn!

MARLBOROGAY
You and your Latino obsession.  Oooo.  Oh!  Some sweat just rolled down my back and somehow got into my asscrack. Nice.

SMOKELESSGAY
(Begins to stand up.)  I'm going to go find JAMES.

PARLIAMENTGAY
Sit down and leave him alone.  If he hooks up with that guy then I've got a room to myself tonight.

MARLBOROGAY
And if he brings him home, you're sleeping on the Aerobed, sweetie.

PARLIAMENTGAY
First of all, older guys are supposed to bring you home. They should be to the point where they either own a house or can at least afford a share where they aren't sharing a room, or a bed. And don't forget - Ozone. No one wants to walk to our fucking house. It's just too far. Oh. Look at that one.

PARLIAMENTGAY looks toward BACKPACKGAY, standing near the exterior stairs.

SMOKELESSGAY Latino.  Probably 23 at most.  And look - a backpack.

MARLBOROGAY
He's homeless, Jacob. Missed the last ferry. Probably on purpose. And thinks he can just find someone to spend the night with because he's semi-hot.

PARLIAMENTGAY
Semi?  Look at that ...

MARLBOROGAY
No backpackers.  No, no, no, no, no.

PARLIAMENTGAY
Are you sure JAMES is still in there?  What if he already left with that guy?

MARLBOROGAY
You know he'll be in there until the very last song, making out on the dance-floor. He's probably in the middle of the floor groping that old daddy.

SMOKELESSGAY
He was at least 45.  His chest hair was, like, grey.  We should go in.

ADIDASGAY emerges from the darkness of the boardwalk and passes the table and jaunts back into the nightclub.

PARLIAMENTGAY Guess he didn't find José.  Let's go in.

The three leave their table and enter Pavilion. Outside, BACKPACK gay begins making out with another gay, shirtless with low-rise jeans.

 

The Fire Island Listening Project: Of misogynists and men

Last summer saw me eavesdropping on and reporting back from Fire Island Pines.  Gawker isn't running "And the Brand Played On" again this summer, but with "the season" rapidly coming up, it's time to re-visit the concept.  The following originally appeared August 16, 2007.  All dialogue 100% verbatim.

EXT. FIRE ISLAND PINES HARBOR
The Saturday noon ferry has arrived to the harbor and streaming onto the dock are new arrivals. DAYTRIPPERS arrive with umbrellas, coolers, and backpacks, often with glimpses of swimwear visible under low-waisted cargo shorts. RESIDENTS and HOUSEGUESTS bring assorted luggage and bags from Trader Joe's and Whole Foods. Standing in the harbor is an assortment of GAYS, a few of whom wait to board, but most of whom await new arrivals.

LILLYGAY stands wearing a white oversized vee-neck teashirt and Lilly Pulitzer "Crabby Pants" swim trunks. With him is ETROGAY wearing a pink tank top and Etro striped trunks. Both point and wave to HOUSEGUEST who approaches them, drops a Barneys shopping bag filled with food and a canvas Jack Spade coal bag, and joins in a group hug.

HOUSEGUEST Oh, hi. Hi! I like that shirt on you. I like that color. It works well with your dark hair.

LILLYGAY
How are you?

HOUSEGUEST
Near perfect.  How've you been, sweetie?

ETROGAY
Well, I just saw you yesterday.

HOUSEGUEST
Oh, I know.  I mean how was last night?

ETROGAY
Last night?  We went over to Coconut Grove.  Underwear party.

HOUSEGUEST
Coconut Grove?

ETROGAY
Yeah. Kind of a hike, but it was a nice walk on the beach back. It was super dark out.

HOUSEGUEST
You mean Cherry Grove.

ETROGAY
Oh. Why do I always call it Coconut Grove?

LILLYGAY
Scary Grove.

BIOLOGICALWOMAN approaches the three and points to the ferry.

BIOLOGICALWOMAN Excuse me? Is this the ferry, right here?

LILLYGAY
Don't you remember coming in on it? Yes, yes. Get right on.

OTHERGUEST passes by with OTHERRESIDENT.

OTHERGUEST I would have made the eleven o'clock, but I had a long night.

OTHERRESIDENT
With Tommy and Mikey?

OTHERGUEST
No, no. I had bought a bunch of "stuff" for the weekend, but let's just say I don't have any more.

LILLYGAY and ETROGAY have been joined by four FORTIESGAYS wearing a variety of print board shorts and swim trunks and shirtless for a quick bout of hugs and hellos. "Brunch," "pantry," and "blueberries" can be overheard.

HOUSEGUEST Are those all your friends? I didn't know you had older friends.

LILLYGAY
(Points to the giant looming Pavilion nightclub.) Thursday night we were in the bathroom over at that place.

ETROGAY
At High Tea.

LILLYGAY
Yeah, whatever. And I was like, "We need dinner." And these two old guys were in there and said, "We have dinner. It's a catered meal!"

HOUSEGUEST
You left with them?

LILLYGAY
Turns out it's some kind of birthday party. There was all kinds of port wine and asparagus and rice pilaf. And everybody there was really wasted. It was great.

HOUSEGUEST
Really?

LILLYGAY
It was so upscale.

HOUSEGUEST
Really.

ETROGAY
The guys were super-friendly.

HOUSEGUEST
Really. I want to meet them.

LILLYGAY
Oh, God. I don't even remember their names. Is anyone else coming out?

ETROGAY
I don't know if Snaps is coming or not. But I'm starving. I haven't eaten since last night.

LILLYGAY
Liar!

ETROGAY
What?

LILLYGAY
Liar! I saw you eat breakfast.

ETROGAY
Well, I did eat the rest of that pumpkin cake. That was nothing.

LILLYGAY
Liar, liar! It was two pieces! I don't know how you do it.

HOUSEGUEST
I brought lots of food, but nothing brunchy. I'm starving.

LILLYGAY
Well maybe you and Chubz here can wait for those birthday boys but I need to catch some rays. I've got PowerBars back at the house.

As the three walk away from the harbor, BIOLOGICALWOMAN is running toward the now departing boat, an iced coffee sweating in her hand.

 

The Fire Island Listening Project: Media matters

Last summer saw me eavesdropping on and reporting back from Fire Island Pines.  Gawker isn't running "And the Brand Played On" again this summer, but with "the season" rapidly coming up, it's time to re-visit the concept.  The following originally appeared August 7, 2007.  All dialogue 100% verbatim.

EXT. BAY BAR
The Sunday noon crowd at Bay Bar consists of those running in and out to get iced coffee products and those sitting at tables enjoying iced coffee products. VISORGAY, wearing olive drab cargo shorts and a navy mesh Nike visor, sits with TANKGAY, in olive drab cargo shorts and a robin's egg blue tank. They are at a prime table overlooking the harbor and the boardwalk that runs along it. Across the water, unidentifiable shrieks can be heard.

VISORGAY What is that noise?

TANKGAY
It's a kid.

VISORGAY
No, it's a dog.

TANKGAY
What kind of dog?

VISORGAY
An unhappy dog.

TANKGAY
I'll take an unhappy dog over an unhappy kid.

VISORGAY
What is with all the kids this year?

TANKGAY
I don't know, but they're everywhere.

VISORGAY
(In a radio announcer voice.) It's Kid's Day every Sunday in Fire Island Pines. That's right. Kids drink free.

TANKGAY
(Laughs.) Bring your kid and get a free bottle of WET!

NASTYPLASTY hops up the stairs and into Bay Bar. He wears over-sized sunglasses and thermal shorts with the words "Nasty Plasty" on the elastic band. They are cut off at the calf. The thermals are covered by leopard-print running shorts.

TANKGAY
Look at her!

VISORGAY
(In an affected Kimora Lee Simmons-esque accent.) She has got it going on!

TANKGAY
Obviously has a need to be the center of attention.

NASTYPLASTY darts in, comes out with an iced coffee product, and then runs down the stairs. At the same time a group of MIDDLEAGED GAYS in assorted polos and reading glasses gets up from a back table. They leave a stack of newspaper and magazines behind. TANKGAY goes to the abandoned table and takes the reading material to his table. TANKGAY takes the Economist; VISORGAY takes Time Out New York.

TANKGAY I never actually read this. I just listen to the podcasts while I'm on the treadmill. Sometimes I have to really pay attention because of the accent.

VISORGAY
The podcast is in British?

TANKGAY
Yeah. The other day. What was it? Oh. (Affects a British accent.) The American performing ah-tist, Fifty-Cent. Fiv. Tay. Cint. I'm like, "It's Fiddy. Fiddy!" (He looks at VISORGAY's Time Out.) Before I moved to New York, I used to think that was the best magazine.

VISORGAY
Which one?

TANKGAY
The one you're reading. When I lived outside New York, it seemed like a lifeline, but now I think it's just awful.

VISORGAY
Maybe it's because you live here now. Hmm. No. I think it's gone through a little downfall. Now it's just useful. It's a tool.

TANKGAY takes a Blackberry Pearl out of his pocket, and pushes several buttons.

TANKGAY My sister's kid. Modern. Can text message with the best of them. Told me about something his dog did.

VISORGAY
That's too much info. I read the first sentence of any text message and then I almost always just delete it.

TANKGAY
No wonder my phone isn't working right. All that downloading.

VISORGAY
Exactly. Delete, delete.

BOTH thumb through sections of Sunday's New York Times.

TANKGAY (He looks at The Week in Review section.) Do you know anyone in Minneapolis?

VISORGAY
No. Well. (Closes one eye and knits brows.) I don't know. I don't think so.

TANKGAY
Me either. It's cold there.

VISORGAY
It's cold here. Right? It's cold today.

TANKGAY
You probably got a little sun on your run. Did you bring your shirt?

VISORGAY
No. (He rubs his chest and very slightly tweaks his nipples.) I like the attention.

 

The Fire Island Listening Project: Pre-Pines Party and Post-Pines Party

Last summer saw me eavesdropping on and reporting back from Fire Island Pines.  Gawker isn't running "And the Brand Played On" again this summer, but with "the season" rapidly coming up, it's time to re-visit the concept.  The following originally appeared July 30, 2007.  All dialogue 100% verbatim.

EXT. THE JAMAICA LIRR STATION, ONE DAY BEFORE THE PINES PARTY

The crowd flows en masse from the 4:40 Long Beach train across the platform to the 5:03 Patchogue train. As the train arrives into the station, BUSINESSGAY (wearing a plaid dress shirt, suit pants, and well-shined square-toe black shoes) is displaying a court jester's hat to CASUALGAY (dressed in an untucked white long-sleeve button-down, jeans, and Asics running shoes) and CHANELGAY (in a sleeveless tank top with Thai script, displaying his array of tattoos, including the Chanel logo on the back of his neck). The jester's hat is tucked back into a black canvas weekender bag as the three begin to board the train.

CASUALGAY wears a face of concern as they board the crowded train.

CHANELGAY Go down. Go down.

CASUALGAY leads the other two downstairs where seats are procured. As the train affords no seats together, ALL choose aisle seats with BUSINESSGAY and CASUALGAY in the row in front of CHANELGAY. Once seated, BUSINESSGAY's cellphone rings.

BUSINESSGAY You're there already? It's what? I ... What? I'm in Jamaica so my signal is strong, so it's you, not me. I'll call you back on the house phone. (BUSINESSGAY quickly ends the call and places a new call.) So you just got there? 94? 94 and what? 94 and 94?!? The number you can't change is the number that it is and the one you can change is the temperature you want it to be.

CASUALGAY
Our house doesn't get that hot and it's all glass!

BUSINESSGAY
Do you know someone that has a house with a pool? 'Cause just go for a swim. Cool down. (BUSINESSGAY finishes the call and turns to CASUAL GAY and CHANELGAY.) Every time it's the same thing. Every house should have a list. Isn't there a list? Something to check off. "Done. Completed."

CASUALGAY
Just got a text from John. John, John and I do everything together. The three of us are like the Three Musketeers.

BUSINESSGAY
You know too many Johns.

CASUALGAY
Oh, I know. The other day I answered the phone, and I was, like, "John in L.A. or John in Denver?" and he was, like, "neither." This is going to be a good weekend. Mikey isn't coming out so I've got a room to myself.

BUSINESSGAY
A room to yourself during the Pines Party? Look out! (Laughs.) Last year I had a roommate just half the time, but when Mark was there, I didn't have to share. Gor-don has taken two full shares.

CHANELGAY
I like to be alone.

EXT. THE BLUE WHALE, ONE DAY AFTER THE PINES PARTY

The Sunday brunch crowd is mostly quiet with the voice of Sting heard clearly, singing "How Fragile We Are." WAITER, wearing jeans cut just below the knee, an Ascencion tee shirt and Nike Air Hi-Tops is moving a table to seat a party of five. Four are seated while TYPICALFORTHEMOMENT stands shirtless, shifting from one foot to the other and blinking arhythmically. As he waits, another party of five arrives.

The second party consists of four gay men, mostly indistinguishable from one another, all wearing sunglasses, tee shirts, and cargo shorts. Accompanying them is a tall brunette woman in sunglasses and a white cotton dress with a tan lobster pattern. Two of the INDISTINGAYSHABLEs are on each side of LOBSTERHAG, assisting her to walk. Her face, although covered in large sunglasses, exposes a look of pain.

INDISTINGAYSHABLE A (To WAITER) I wanna sit where I can cruise! Are you wearing eyeshadow?

INDISTINGAYSHABLE B
Ten-point-oh for originality.

The party is seated and peruses their menus. LOBSTERHAG stares into space.

INDISTINGAYSHABLE B Maybe she doesn't need to go to the hospital. Maybe just some aspirin.

INDISTINGAYSHABLE C
She has every prescription you can imagine.

INDISTINGAYSHABLE A
Sometimes you actually need medical care.

INDISTINGAYSHABLE B
Just wrap it. Wrap it in an Ace bandage.

A loud siren rings out throughout the bay.

INDISTINGAYSHABLE D It's just noon. When did you get back to the house?

INDISTINGAYSHABLE C
Four-thirty? Five? Maybe later. I didn't really sleep. And I have no appetite.

INDISTINGAYSHABLE B
Bacon. Bacon. Protein.

INDISTINGAYSHABLE A
If you're going to be waiting in the hospital for hours, you have to eat something. Or they'll have two patients.

INDISTINGAYSHABLE D
I need more room.

WAITER
Okay, boys, are we ready to order?

INDISTINGAYSHABLE B
I haven't even looked at the menu! But get me a Ketel One bloody. And put olives in it. This table means business.

INDISTINGAYSHABLE A
Ketel One Bloody Mary for me too.

LOBSTERHAG puts down her menu and searches the table for eye contact, which goes unmet. A conversation about different types of Bloody Marys begins. In the distance, TYPICALFORTHEMOMENT has folded his arms on the café table and rested his head upon them. His eyes remain open, blinking endlessly.

The Fire Island Listening Project: Do she? She do.

Last summer saw me eavesdropping on and reporting back from Fire Island Pines.  Gawker isn't running "And the Brand Played On" again this summer, but with "the season" rapidly coming up, it's time to re-visit the concept.  The following originally appeared July 19, 2007.  All dialogue 100% verbatim.

INT. THE "GLO LOUNGE" IN FIRE ISLAND PINES
The lounge is a new construction with fresh wood encasing a modern-look bar with ample seating and tables, with large open windows that overlook the bay. The event known as "High Tea" is just beginning and the crowd is starting to grow. Near one window, sitting on a sofa are RAYBANTWINK and PRADATWINK, wearing of-the-season sunglasses as befit their names. As the crowd enters from the stairwell to their right they look around the room.

RAYBANTWINK That's that bartender that does porn.

PRADATWINK
Do she?

RAYBANTWINK
She do. Darren is all ga-ga for him.

PRADATWINK
I don't like redheads.

RAYBANTWINK
Me neither, but he's got a big dick.

PRADATWINK
Oh, do she?

RAYBANTWINK
She do. You ready for another vodka soda?

PRADATWINK nods and winks as he finishes his drink. RAYBANTWINK gets up to leave for the bar. One sofa over at another window, IRONICTEEBEAR is caressing the sofa with SLEEVELESSBEAR.

IRONICTEEBEAR I'm not sure. I think it's real. They make really good imitations now. But it feels real.

SLEEVELESSBEAR
But leather sofas on the water just don't make sense. Saltwater is bad for leather so it's not even going to last a season.

IRONICTEEBEAR
We're on the bay side, so maybe it's okay. It still seems like a waste. I think it's fake. (Again caressing the sofa.) But it has a really nice hand. I sort of wonder where they got these. They're too nice to be IKEA.

SLEEVELESSBEAR
Probably the designer had them built for the space. They all look the same, just different shades of brown. (Pauses.) Why brown?

IRONICTEEBEAR
The tables look IKEA. (Pause. Looks around room.) Is it me or can you not smoke in here?

SLEEVELESSBEAR
Nobody else is. There's no cigarette butts on the floor. I saw people smoking on the way in though. In the other room.

EMACIGAYTED is speaking loudly into a black RAZR phone and approaches the sofa holding the BEARS and walks past to lean out the window.

EMACIGAYTED Yeah, I'm on Fire Island, the Pines... (Remaining on the phone, reaches for pocket, pulling out cigarettes, and lights one.)

SLEEVELESSBEAR
(Pointing at EMACIATWINK.) She's smoking.

IRONICTEEBEAR
Good enough. (Pulls out a pack of Marlboro Mediums.)

EMACIGAYTED
(Crossing back across the sofa.) Girl, I know, but the best time to be unemployed in New York City is during the summer when your share is paid for...

EMACIGAYTED walks away from the BEARS, cigarette in the hand that is covering his ear. He leaves for the main High Tea bar to the left, passing RAYBANTWINK, carrying two drinks.

RAYBANTWINK Why do they call this the Glo Lounge? There ain't a damn thing glowing in here.

PRADATWINK
(Points into the growing crowd.) There's Vinnie. He knows that dealer that sells those little baby jars of coke.

RAYBANTWINK
I can't believe how much we've gone through. No more sharing. People need to pony up.

PRADATWINK
Tell me. But we should talk to Vinnie. He has the guy's number.

RAYBANTWINK
Do she?

PRADATWINK
She do.

The Fire Island Listening Project: How the gays understand "nature" and "science"

Last summer saw me eavesdropping on and reporting back from Fire Island Pines.  Gawker isn't running "And the Brand Played On" again this summer, but with "the season" rapidly coming up, it's time to re-visit the concept.  The following originally appeared July 12, 2007.  All dialogue 100% verbatim.

INT. THE FIRE ISLAND PINES PIZZERIA

The pizzeria is semi-busy with a short line of men ordering fresh hot food served quickly, a rarity on Fire Island. "Low Tea" has ended and many are seeking sustenance before heading along to "High Tea" and/or Lina's party at Sip 'N Twirl. Behind the counter is PIZZABOY, wearing a pizzeria logo-emblazoned green polo, modified to be sleeveless. The order of a chicken caesar wrap is being taken from ATHLETWINK, wearing Nike basketball shorts and crewneck American Eagle tee shirt.

PIZZABOY
That'll be a couple minutes, so go ahead outside and I'll bring it out to your tab— (He raises his right hand to the area just to the side of his right eye.) Oh! No! No!

ATHLETWINK
Dude. You okay?

PIZZABOY
A fucking mosquito just bit me. On my face. Is it swelling?

ATHLETWINK
(Leaning in to examine PIZZABOY's face.) Not yet. (Staring into PIZZABOY's eyes.) Does it hurt?

PIZZABOY
No. But I don't want some ugly mosquito bite on my face.

ATHLETWINK
It looks fine. I have them all over my back. (He lifts shirt to demonstrate a collection of mosquito bites.) I put cologne on them. Takes away the sting.

PIZZABOY
But they're still really swollen. I'm going to Pavilion later. This so fucking sucks.

Behind ATHLETWINK is PROPERTYOWNER, a man with salt-and-pepper hair and deep tan wearing an fundraiser-logo tee and Levi's loose-fit jeans. He steps forward to the counter.

PROPERTYOWNER Put a little dish soap on it. It'll take away the sting.

PIZZABOY
Dish soap? Oh no. No. No. No. I'm not putting dish soap on this face. I have some Kiehl's astringent at the house. I have to take care of this. (He calls back to the kitchen.) Michael! Come up front. I have to leave for a minute.

PIZZABOY leaves for the Staff House, located across the boardwalk from the restaurant. Later, ATHLETWINK sits at an outdoor table with BARTENDER, wearing a black tank top, ecru corduroy shorts, and a black backward-facing baseball cap. Their food consumed; they are now drinking Diet Cokes.

ATHLETWINK I have to leave my shirt on the whole time. Those bites look like acne. People are going to think I'm on steroids.

BARTENDER
You'd have to be a little more built for people to think that.

ATHLETWINK
What are you saying?

BARTENDER
Don't get me wrong. You look good, but if you were on steroids (He leans in and touches ATHLETWINK's chest) you wouldn't just have pecky-pecs; you'd have some real muscletitties.

ATHLETWINK
That's not the look I'm going for anyway, but whatever. The shirt stays on.

BARTENDER
So you say now. Two Planter's Punches later and it'll be a different story. Mosquitos are just the beginning. I was at Gabriel and Jim's place on the bay today. All the jellyfish are starting up.

ATHLETWINK
In the bay? I thought they lived in the ocean?

BARTENDER
They grow up in the bay and I guess they swim over. And after the jellyfish come the bitey green flies. And there's always the deer ticks and the Lyme disease.

PIZZABOY returns to the restaurant. His hair, formerly down and parted, is now spiked and gelled.

ATHLETWINK Feeling better, baby?

PIZZABOY
Oh yes, honey. Took a quick shower. Put some astringent on the bite on my face and the one on my ass.

BARTENDER
Your ass? Been out in The Meatrack, huh?

PIZZABOY
Shut the fuck up, Hugo. The mosquitos fly up my shorts.

ATHLETWINK
I bet everybody flies up your shorts. What moisturizer are you wearing? Your skin is glowy.

PIZZABOY
I've got some great Kiehl's stuff, but that's just Deep Woods OFF!

The Fire Island Listening Project: The Lowest Tea

Last summer saw me eavesdropping on and reporting back from Fire Island Pines.  Gawker isn't running "And the Brand Played On" again this summer, but with "the season" rapidly coming up, it's time to re-visit the concept.  The following originally appeared June 20, 2007.  All dialogue 100% verbatim.

EXT. THE BOARDWALK OUTSIDE THE BLUE WHALE, FIRE ISLAND PINES
The boardwalk along the harbor is a throng of gay men. The entrance into the afternoon event known as "Low Tea" is not dissimilar to a fallopian tube: Freshly washed and coiffed gays travel up the narrow stairwell like thoughtless sperm. The crowd-flow directs us to the stiff angular movements of FLAGHAG. A bubblegum pink shirtdress and an organized mop of caustic blonde hair move in opposition to her tiny, sunburned frame. She is surrounded by men more than a half-foot taller. In her hands are napkins.

FLAGHAG
Look guys. Semaphores. (She laughs at own joke and then sings with background music.) You can stand under my umbrella . Ella-ella-eh-eh-eh. (Looking back toward the men standing over her, she raises her napkins above her head.) Wanna' stand under my umbrella, Brian? Brian. Umbrella. Ella-ella-eh-eh-eh. Brian!

BRIAN (Looking down to FLAGHAG.)
You want another Pink Panties? (Arches right eyebrow.)

FLAGHAG
Omigod. I love the Pink Panties. Ella-ella-eh-eh-eh.

The flow moves us in a new direction, at first following an unspeaking, pouty BRIAN and a singing FLAGHAG toward the front bar, but then shifting us through sliding glass doors to the interior dance floor. JAGHAG dances to Loleatta Holloway's Relight My Fire with a male friend. They both make jazz hands that occasionally touch the other's waist.

JAGHAG (Yelling over music.)
I've never even been with a girl, Brian.

ANOTHER BRIAN
You should. You've got the short hair. The butch attitude. Girls would love you.

JAGHAG
I don't care. I love penises. Love. Love. Love.

ANOTHER BRIAN
There was a picture of you and a lesbian at your apartment. Who was she?

JAGHAG (Punches ANOTHER BRIAN.)
Shut. Up! What are you talking about?

ANOTHER BRIAN
In that front hallway. You and a lesbian.

JAGHAG (Pauses, mouth agape.)
That's not a lesbian! That's my brother!

As the music changes, the crowd pushes back toward the middle entrance of a full back hallway, which leads at one end toward bathrooms and at the other toward the service bar. The area around the back bar is less crowded and FASHIONHAG stands near the bar smoking a cigarette. An Hermes scarf holds back shiny-healthy shoulder length hair. Perfectly applied blush and lipstick adorn her Asian-American features and her white strapless jumper minidress. FASHIONHAG approaches the bar and puts the cigarette out. ALEX runs toward her.

ALEX
That's not an ashtray! (Holds up the metal bartending implement that has been mistaken for an ashtray. The cigarette remains on the bar.) See, no bottom.

FASHIONHAG
Omigod. It looks like an ashtray. A simple perfect ashtray. I... Omigod. I was wondering why they had such nice ashtrays. It's so Philippe Starck. I... Laughs.)

ALEX (Laughs too.)
Omigod. I love you. I'm Alex.

FASHIONHAG
Jennifer.

ALEX
I'm so drunk. I need a bump. Do you have a bump?

FASHIONHAG
Of cocaine? I can't do cocaine. I'm on Oxycontin.

ALEX
Can I have one?

FASHIONHAG
All mine, sahhhh-ree.

ALEX (Points at a SOUTHEAST ASIAN TWINK.)
Do you know Sanjaya?

FASHIONHAG
Who? (She looks.) Oh, you're bad. But that's not Sanjaya. That's Sanjaya. (She points at a TALL PUERTO RICAN that looks even less like Sanjaya than SOUTHEAST ASIAN TWINK, and who wears a skin-tight plaid shirt and calf-length pants.) Omigod. Sanjaya's feeling the music. I don't want to go to rehab. I said no, no, no.

RANDOM PASSING GAY (Loudly, over the music and crowd.)
I don't wanna go to Meatrack. I said no, no, no.

JENNIFER
Omigod. Sanjaya is trying for Thom Brown but just giving clam-digger. (Seeing a camera, holds metallic purse to face, yells.) Gerard! I'm giving you the Meisel!

The crowd is now flowing toward the front entrance again. As the entrance is approached, napkins can be seen fluttering wildly from the hands of FLAGHAG.

FLAGHAG
Yes I been black, but when I come back. You wont know, know, know. (She looks up, yells.) Brian!

The Fire Island Listening Project: The Great Gay Train Snobbery

Last summer saw me eavesdropping in and reporting back from Fire Island.  Gawker isn't running "And the Brand Played On" again this summer, but with "the season" rapidly coming up, it's time to re-visit the concept.  The following originally appeared June 12, 2007.  All dialogue 100% verbatim.

INT. A LONG ISLAND RAILROAD CAR, EAST-BOUND

The afternoon train is crowded, with a mix of those leaving Manhattan after a long day of work and those that are beach-bound. The commuters read papers and magazines, sleep, and talk quietly amongst themselves, but one voice rises above them. GREENTWINK talks on a cell phone and sits on the window side of a pair of seats with YELLOWTWINK. Both are wearing what appear to be freshly pressed Izod shirts in the colors of their names. Both wear over-sized sunglasses with lenses that coyly reveal the movements of the eyes concealed within.

GREENTWINK (Speaking overly loud, as if on a bad connection.)
If you could just grab some sunblock at the Bliss counter at Macy's, I think I'd be set. If you're not sure which one, you call me.... If I think of anything else, I'll call you.... Oh my God! Can't wait to see you! You're going to be the most popular boy on the island!

YELLOWTWINK (Knits his sculpted eyebrows.)
How old is that phone?

GREENTWINK
Oh god, I know. I'm holding out for the iPhone.

YELLOWTWINK
Right? ...But have you seen the Prada phone? I saw it online today.

GREENTWINK
I don't know. The iPhone will have that screen that turns both ways and can play movies. Is the Prada phone just a phone or does it at least have a mp3 player?

YELLOWTWINK
Mm. I didn't read the article, just saw the picture.

YELLOWTWINK looks up as SALMONTWINK passes in the aisle. He wears a salmon-color deep-vee American Apparel tee shirt. After SALMONTWINK passes, YELLOWTWINK wrinkles his nose, making a "what's that smell" face.

YELLOWTWINK (CONT'D)
I haven't seen that color. I have that shirt in yellow and white.

GREENTWINK
That color is off though. I'd like it in pink. Do they sell a pink?

YELLOWTWINK
I think so. But everybody is starting to wear them.

GREENTWINK
That sucks.... So I think I'm going to get the iPhone.

YELLOWTWINK
But it's first generation. Mac's not good for first generation things.

GREENTWINK
But this pho-one! I ha-ate it! So-o much!

TRAIN ANNOUNCEMENT
This station is Bayshore. The next station [Garbled].

GREENTWINK
Did he say Sayville? We're next right? I think we're next. (He squeals.) You're almost there! I want to jump in a cab so I can go to Stop & Shop and grab some things. We won't miss the ferry. Promise.

YELLOWTWINK
My bag is so-o heavy.

GREENTWINK
I hate my bag. I need a new bag.

BOTH leave their seats to stand near the door as the train pulls into a station.

TRAIN ANNOUNCEMENT
[Garbled] station is Islip. The next station is Great River.

From a distance, GREENTWINK can be heard speaking over the announcement.

GREENTWINK
Local. The train is going local? O-oh.

YELLOWTWINK
My bag is so-o heavy.