7:45pm - There was just a video montage of romantic movements of nominated films in the past year. It was okay to see with a PROSTITUTE and her trick. It was okay to show a romantic scene with a woman and an APE. But no romantic scene with two men. It's going to be a long night.
8:02pm - First shot of the stage. The font for "Oscar" looks like a soda logo.
8:04pm - Billy Crystal and Chris Rock? George Clooney in bed with Jon Stewart? It's gonna' be the gayest Oscars ever.
8:10pm - Charlize Theron may be the best looking woman of the night.
8:12pm - Brokeback Mountain joke count - 1 (a big one)
8:20pm - George Clooney just arrived on the stage and the music is already playing? What is that about?
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Last night ballots for Academy Award nominees were due. The votes will be counted and on Sunday, the winners will be announced. As we did for the Grammy Awards, we'll be having some of our people over to view the festivities. Last-time it was a tailgate party; this time a pot-luck.
And of course, for some reason, this will be live-blogged. Honestly, it seems an attempt of my friends to keep me busy so that perhaps my mouth will occasionally not be wildly flying. Or maybe they think that it will keep me sober. The fools.
After the jump, the list of all nominees, with my retarded picks in bold. (Really, they are retarded. Only five or six of all the movies listed even found my eyes last year. And where is Thumbsucker or Gay Sex in the Seventies or any of the other films I actually did see, anyway?)
184 is not a magic number. It is the number on the scale that tells me that the holidays have taken their toll. The threshold has been crossed where my shirt must stay on at the club. The only good thing about 184 is that my jeans are not falling off as two lumps have formed which are apparently called an "ass". And although this feature is nice addition to the package, it cannot exist in a world also occupied by a "belly" and "sad titties".
None of this is surprising as the gym has been bypassed of late and the sampling of goodies at holiday parties has been ample. It's simply a process that happens every year as the winter hibernation period proceeds. Other agenda items take precedence over personal vanity leaving body hair untrimmed, muscles depleted, and calories stored rather than burnt.
When 184 rears it's ugly head though, vanity is resurgent. Enter: The Manhattan Offender Workout Plan.
Is it professional and doctor approved? No. Does it work? Like a charm.
By Friday, using a combination of the above the number on the scale will be 179. If I were to continue, 172 (my optimal weight, unless beefed up, which is about 178) would be achievable by January 10. My methods work, but are so totally bad for you. It's merely a crutch to push down to a weight that is more manageable. Then you can go about that whole "eating a balanced diet and regular exercise" razzmatazz.