Manhattan Offender

Happy 9-25 ...

Breakfast burrito

• Looking for a little excitement?  Want to see a pre-quel to the Nomi Malone story?  Aren't you lucky!
• Heh, not everyone knows about my comic books, but then again, it's not an obsession, just something that has to be done every Wednesday at precisely noon.
• Always have been, always am, always will be a sucker for Blondie white labels.
• The Ice Age 2 has no gay content.  Shocking!
• There is no way that 100 people will fit into my apartment.  Dolly Parton will be so disappointed.
• Can you get a breakfast burrito at Taco Bell?  We hope to never need to find out, but one blogger has a quest to see a Taco Bell in Mid-Town.  If only he would put his efforts to the causes of good ...

Live-blogging Oscar

7:40pm - A pot-luck for the Academy Awards?  Okay.  But, um, where are are guests?  Roro is what?  Sick?  And the others are on their way?  But I'm hungry.

7:45pm - There was just a video montage of romantic movements of nominated films in the past year.  It was okay to see with a PROSTITUTE and her trick.  It was okay to show a romantic scene with a woman and an APE.  But no romantic scene with two men.  It's going to be a long night.

8:02pm - First shot of the stage.  The font for "Oscar" looks like a soda logo.

8:04pm - Billy Crystal and Chris Rock?  George Clooney in bed with Jon Stewart?  It's gonna' be the gayest Oscars ever.

8:10pm - Charlize Theron may be the best looking woman of the night.

8:12pm - Brokeback Mountain joke count - 1 (a big one)

8:20pm - George Clooney just arrived on the stage and the music is already playing?  What is that about?

The Oscar ballots are in

Last night ballots for Academy Award nominees were due.  The votes will be counted and on Sunday, the winners will be announced.  As we did for the Grammy Awards, we'll be having some of our people over to view the festivities.  Last-time it was a tailgate party; this time a pot-luck.

And of course, for some reason, this will be live-blogged.  Honestly, it seems an attempt of my friends to keep me busy so that perhaps my mouth will occasionally not be wildly flying.  Or maybe they think that it will keep me sober.  The fools.

After the jump, the list of all nominees, with my retarded picks in bold.  (Really, they are retarded.  Only five or six of all the movies listed even found my eyes last year.  And where is Thumbsucker or Gay Sex in the Seventies or any of the other films I actually did see, anyway?)

Breakfast burrito

• This is the episode of Oprah that needs to happen.
• How could you not vote for a candidate named Luxuria?
• Did you send Jason West an anniversary card?
• How do you say "Who let her in here?" in British?
• Don't make us bring out the gay bodyguard squad, because Dolly will always have us on her side.

The Manhattan Offender Workout Plan

184 is not a magic number.  It is the number on the scale that tells me that the holidays have taken their toll.  The threshold has been crossed where my shirt must stay on at the club.  The only good thing about 184 is that my jeans are not falling off as two lumps have formed which are apparently called an "ass".  And although this feature is nice addition to the package, it cannot exist in a world also occupied by a "belly" and "sad titties".

None of this is surprising as the gym has been bypassed of late and the sampling of goodies at holiday parties has been ample.  It's simply a process that happens every year as the winter hibernation period proceeds.  Other agenda items take precedence over personal vanity leaving body hair untrimmed, muscles depleted, and calories stored rather than burnt.

When 184 rears it's ugly head though, vanity is resurgent.  Enter:  The Manhattan Offender Workout Plan.

Is it professional and doctor approved?  No.  Does it work?  Like a charm.

1. First step is to trim (not shave) the assorted patches of hair, taking me to 183 almost immediately. 
2. A visit to iTunes is essential to put together the workout mix, which will no doubt include Princess Superstar's "I'm Perfect", the M.I.A./Madonna mix (thanks Scott) and some Avenue D (thank Avi).  No Lonnie Gordon necessary (um, thanks Rich).
3. Next stop is the gym with an hour of cardio and an hour of weights with yoga thrown in if I can find it.  Spinning is a class that has always been theoretically appealing, but the crowd inside is usually filled with odd personalities.  (Note to self:  cancel a gym membership in 2006.  You are not muscled enough or wealthy enough to explain memberships to two gyms.  Yes, looking at the same people gets boring, but deal with it.)
4. No matter the amount of exercise, what you put in your body is important as well.  On a regular basis you can 'eat healthy' but in order to be shirt-free for Victor Calderone at CroBar New Year's Day, you have to turn to the experts.  Vanna White has a great tip to always leave food on your plate, whether you are hungry or not; your hunger will fade, but those fat cells will not.  Dolly Parton for years has recommended that if there is something that you are just craving, take a big bite of it, and, instead of swallowing, just discreetly deposit the tasty morsel into a napkin.  You can find more celebrity diet tips here.
5. One of my biggest secrets is to consume something to which you are highly allergic.  In my case caffeine works magic to expel anything just eaten through the system. 
6. A pamphlet that was given to me once listed not allowing food to actually touch one's lips as a way to eschew the pleasure of eating (and keep the lip gloss enduring as well).  After reading it, that tip was incorporated immediately.  The name of the pamphlet?  Let's Talk Facts about Eating Disorders.
7. And, of course, there is always the supermodel method .

By Friday, using a combination of the above the number on the scale will be 179.  If I were to continue, 172 (my optimal weight, unless beefed up, which is about 178) would be achievable by January 10.  My methods work, but are so totally bad for you.  It's merely a crutch to push down to a weight that is more manageable.  Then you can go about that whole "eating a balanced diet and regular exercise" razzmatazz.