Manhattan Offender

Breakfast burrito

• Looking for a little excitement?  Want to see a pre-quel to the Nomi Malone story?  Aren't you lucky!
• Heh, not everyone knows about my comic books, but then again, it's not an obsession, just something that has to be done every Wednesday at precisely noon.
• Always have been, always am, always will be a sucker for Blondie white labels.
• The Ice Age 2 has no gay content.  Shocking!
• There is no way that 100 people will fit into my apartment.  Dolly Parton will be so disappointed.
• Can you get a breakfast burrito at Taco Bell?  We hope to never need to find out, but one blogger has a quest to see a Taco Bell in Mid-Town.  If only he would put his efforts to the causes of good ...

Breakfast burrito

• They'll need to open an extra bathroom at The New Yorker since Sascha Frere-Jones was just ripped an extra excrement exit.
• Sick of hearing about Brokeback Mountain?  Know any straight people?  The Brokeback Mountain DVD comes out next Tuesday and it's recommended that you buy one, find a straight friend, and beat them with it present it to them as a gift.
• Lady Bunny is busier than you.  (nsfw)
• But since Bunny is not safe for work, just go here, click the link and turn your speakers on full blast.  It's Friday and, hell, you've been buying their daughter's Thin Mints for how many years now?
• Here's an idea:  an actual recipe for a breakfast burrito! 

Shake Shack: eat all you want and lose weight!

This shot was taken while doing my little ode to the return of Spring*** but as it didn't really fit that story, I sent it over to the fine folks at Eater.  It was not known that the story they would run the photo with the revelation that some people have been getting the runs after eating at Shake Shack - a revelation that has happened to me as well.

The line at Shake Shack has been too much a time commitment for my lunch hour, but the breakfast menu added last fall was a major draw for me.  Until, consistently, my stomach would rumble and twist having eaten the sausage and egg combo.  As a person with odd gastric sensitivities, this was marked off as just something that shouldn't be in my repertoire, but now the mystery deepens.

***at which almost none of you looked (yes, I do look at the traffic reports occasionally).  Photos of pretty flowers and trees blooming and the joy that is spring just don't have enough sexual oeuvre for you, my perverted readership...

Faking your way through the Super Bowl: part 4

Just in case you don't find yourself figuring out the football part of the Super Bowl, there are the commercials, which, well, used to be rather innovative.  This year's crop, with Jessica Simpson for Pizza Hut standing out in my mind, not so much.

Hangover helper

Why the Big Mac works as a hangover cure is a mystery which does not need to be solved.  The only important thing to know is that it works.  Within an hour of consumption, the deleterious effects of drinking Johnny Black and Diet for nine hours, starting at Splash, progressing to the Slide and finally Urge are gone.

The Manhattan Offender Workout Plan

184 is not a magic number.  It is the number on the scale that tells me that the holidays have taken their toll.  The threshold has been crossed where my shirt must stay on at the club.  The only good thing about 184 is that my jeans are not falling off as two lumps have formed which are apparently called an "ass".  And although this feature is nice addition to the package, it cannot exist in a world also occupied by a "belly" and "sad titties".

None of this is surprising as the gym has been bypassed of late and the sampling of goodies at holiday parties has been ample.  It's simply a process that happens every year as the winter hibernation period proceeds.  Other agenda items take precedence over personal vanity leaving body hair untrimmed, muscles depleted, and calories stored rather than burnt.

When 184 rears it's ugly head though, vanity is resurgent.  Enter:  The Manhattan Offender Workout Plan.

Is it professional and doctor approved?  No.  Does it work?  Like a charm.

1. First step is to trim (not shave) the assorted patches of hair, taking me to 183 almost immediately. 
2. A visit to iTunes is essential to put together the workout mix, which will no doubt include Princess Superstar's "I'm Perfect", the M.I.A./Madonna mix (thanks Scott) and some Avenue D (thank Avi).  No Lonnie Gordon necessary (um, thanks Rich).
3. Next stop is the gym with an hour of cardio and an hour of weights with yoga thrown in if I can find it.  Spinning is a class that has always been theoretically appealing, but the crowd inside is usually filled with odd personalities.  (Note to self:  cancel a gym membership in 2006.  You are not muscled enough or wealthy enough to explain memberships to two gyms.  Yes, looking at the same people gets boring, but deal with it.)
4. No matter the amount of exercise, what you put in your body is important as well.  On a regular basis you can 'eat healthy' but in order to be shirt-free for Victor Calderone at CroBar New Year's Day, you have to turn to the experts.  Vanna White has a great tip to always leave food on your plate, whether you are hungry or not; your hunger will fade, but those fat cells will not.  Dolly Parton for years has recommended that if there is something that you are just craving, take a big bite of it, and, instead of swallowing, just discreetly deposit the tasty morsel into a napkin.  You can find more celebrity diet tips here.
5. One of my biggest secrets is to consume something to which you are highly allergic.  In my case caffeine works magic to expel anything just eaten through the system. 
6. A pamphlet that was given to me once listed not allowing food to actually touch one's lips as a way to eschew the pleasure of eating (and keep the lip gloss enduring as well).  After reading it, that tip was incorporated immediately.  The name of the pamphlet?  Let's Talk Facts about Eating Disorders.
7. And, of course, there is always the supermodel method .

By Friday, using a combination of the above the number on the scale will be 179.  If I were to continue, 172 (my optimal weight, unless beefed up, which is about 178) would be achievable by January 10.  My methods work, but are so totally bad for you.  It's merely a crutch to push down to a weight that is more manageable.  Then you can go about that whole "eating a balanced diet and regular exercise" razzmatazz.

Slurp me

After a month, I was finally able to buy a Slurpee today.  Crystal Light Strawberry Banana.  Flavor was a bit intense.  But it was cold.  (And kosher, whatever that means!)

Instead of the regular rush in/rush out in disgust of the the lack of diet-conscious Slurpees that has been my previous experience, I took my time and perused the other selections:

• Some pleasant surprises:  protein bars. 
• Some odd choices:  a little bowl of sliced mango (just mango) for $2.89. 
• Some "This would be so awesome if I was 20 and stoned" munchies:  nachos with hot cheese and chili. 
• Some mutant foods:  a cheeseburger thingie that is processed into the shape of a large hot dog.

Suddenlyan inspiration.  Why not do the "Morgan Spurlock" treatment here?  Eat breakfast, lunch and dinner here at 7-11 for an entire month.  A quick glance to the burger dog convinces me that a week would be fine.  The aroma of cheese (powder mixed with hot water) limits it to breakfast and lunch only.  The Star magazine on the rack reminds me that it's swimsuit season and 'too thin is in'.  The idea is shelved until October at least.