Manhattan Offender

Superbowl XLIII, perhaps the best game ever, interrupted by scrumptious petite lamb lamb-burgers and channel surfing

SCENE:  A couple's amazingly well-appointed apartment, in the den where the television is
SETUP:  The couple (A and E) have invited Rod (R) and another friend (J) over.  E is from Arizona.  J is from Pittsburgh.  A has selected a lamb burger recipe from a vintage cookbook, which E has executed along with a Greek salad.

TIME:  6 pm

A (enterng the room):  Why is the TV so loud?
R:  Well, it's my way of telling you that the game is starting without, you know, getting up to tell you the game is starting.
A:  Who's that?
R:  Not sure.
TV ANNOUNCER in the background:  Grammy winner Faith Hill
R:  Oh, well, I can go back in the kitchen now.

FIVE MINUTES LATER all are in the kitchen.

A:  Do you really want to watch the game?  Let's just eat at the table and talk.
J (from the den):  Jennifer Hudson is singing the anthem!
ALL (steaming into the den with plates in hand) with miscellaneous chatter while The Star-Spangled Banner plays at high volume: family ... brother-in-law ... nervous ... Aretha ... hat ... makeup ... cry ... wow ... R&B
A:  Is it me or is the T.V. too loud? 
E:  Shh.  She's almost done.
J:  I love how Jennifer Hudson has sucked the gays into the game.

TEN MINUTES LATER:
R:  This is not the rout I expected.
E:  What's on 60 Minutes?
R:  You and your ADD.  Oh, Obamas.

FIVE MINUTES LATER the game is on intermittently between the Steve Kroft yawn-inducing behind-the-scenes-yet-completely-stage-managed interviews and later The Simpsons.

STILL LATER the game is back on, just before half-time.

R:  Wait?  The score.  What did we miss?  (pointing to screen)  Oh shit.  Oh shit.  Oh holy shit. 
J:  I wonder what Springsteen will play.
R:  Guys, I'm going home.
E:  Are you okay?
R:  I have to see the game.
J:  Sit down; you're going to miss Springsteen.
R:  No, seriously, this is a great game.
A:  It's a football game.  You want to see halftime, don't you?
R:  It's a great football game.  I've got to go.

ROD leaves the room and changes out of shorts and into street clothes, re-enters the den, kisses everyone goodbye.

J:  You're insane.  You'll never make it home in time.
R:  It's the Super Bowl.  There'll be no traffic.  I'll take a cab.

ROD jumps into the elevator and exits the building.  Seeing a cab in the intersection, he runs to the corner.  Arriving home, he Facebook statuses the game and finds other watching, including one friend actually at the game.

Faking your way through the Super Bowl: part 5

Sad to say, today is Chico the intern's last day.  It seems he may have fabricated the entire Tara Reid piece, which was a shock as it seemed so authentic.  His research skills were nil and sadly, we have not really conveyed any usable information regarding the Super Bowl.  All he really had to do was plagiarize this (which is a quite excellent "Super Bowl for the Clueless" article from OutSports).

As for a Super Bowl party, check out Gym, in Chelsea.  There will be drink specials and plenty of footbal fags fans on hand starting at 1 p.m. on Sunday.  But be sure to see possible the best counter-programming ever as Liza Minelli appears on Inside the Actors Studio at 9 p.m. on Bravo (of course).

Faking your way through the Super Bowl: part 3

One of the key reasons for bringing in Chico the intern was his claim to having access to celebrities.  Finding himself in a quandry trying to explain the basic process of a football game Chico gave a quick call to his friend, Tara Reid who had this to say:

"Football is, like, so awesome.  So, okay, first you get to the stadium in your Land Rover or Escalade or whatever.  Then you pull out your keg and start tailgating.  There's totally tons of guys around and they are so the best people you will ever meet.  And they'll be grilling and playing music and just being, like, wild.  So after a while you go to the stadium and you go to your seats, but nobody ever stays in their seats.  And these guys start buying you beers.  Oh, and don't smoke at the seats.  You have to go to VIP for that.  If you hear someone start singing, you have to put your hand on your heart and make a serious face, because if the camera catches you goofing, you will so be in Celebrity Living the next day.  But after the lady sings - oh, yeah, this year the lady is Aretha Franklin, right? - but after that, the totally hot players come on the field.  And I always know at least half of them and they are totally the best people you will ever know.  They will always hold back your hair while your puking on a beach in St. Barts, you know?  So the two teams come out and one of them kicks the ball and everybody just goes nuts, like nuts.  Then there are downs and kickoffs and yelling and huddling and quarterbacks and kickbacks and all of this stuff going on and you can start yelling "Defense" and whatever and people will start doing these big crowd waves, but don't do it in time with them because you can totally attract more boys and attention and cameras by totally messing it up and they'll all be like, "Ha!  Look at Tara.  She is the bomb."  So at half-time the concert starts and this year it is the Rolling Stones whom I'm totally friends with so I'm out of my mind to see them.  Oh and don't even start talking to me about that nipple thing.  Been there, right?  So then they like start the game again and oh, did I mention you can have food ordered to your seat?  Some people do that, but I like to throw the popcorn around, and goof on people, but if you eat in your seat there will totally be pictures the next day and it will totally be, like, "Tara eats in large portions.  Not Normal" in US, right?  Anyway, so when the game ends there are like all these afterparties and clubs and the players are totally wanting to have the best time of their lives and you just go along with the winning team because, you know, whoever it is you were totally for them anyway, right?  And, so that's, you know, football, Chico.  Omigod, your like one of the best people anybody could ever know."

This intern thing might not be working out.

(And maybe he should have used Star Jones instead of Tara.  Via Queerty via Perez.)

Faking your way through the Super Bowl: part 2

Since we're confident that you are going to go to a Super Bowl party, we'll be providing more essentials (player roster, team stats, game rules) later in the week. But the priority now is to be ready as a party guest. Chico the intern set out with the MO Black AMEX card to purchase a few Super Bowl party essentials.

Face painting is a very popular activity among football fans. Typically oil-based supercoating paints are used to paint the team emblem or colors or cute slogans on the face. As you are more likely wanting a more subtle look that won't destroy your skin, the first stop was the Trish McEvoy counter at Bloomingdales. One of the key questions was whether it was the blues and greens of the Seattle Seahawks or the blacks and golds of the Pittsburgh Steelers that would be featured. As a decision either way has not yet been decided, a noncommittal "yes" was the answer. Once reminded that it is stong eye/pale lip (as strong eye/strong lip would be whorish) the resulting blue-green eye with gold glitter was certainly a step above the usual.

Here' Chico in old school face paint:

And here's Chico after his visit to Trish McEvoy.

Obviously this is a step above the usual cracking oils and uneven lines of regular face paint, and better for your skin. (Although there's something kind of hot about the old school look, right?)

With makeup chosen, you need an outfit. At this point you really need to choose a team. So, think, will it be the Seattle Seahawks halter bikini or the Pittsburgh Steelers Cheerleading outfit?

Since Chico has destroyed any chance you had at butch cred with the above, maybe you can redeem yourself with an appropriate gift for your host. We think we have something that they will treasure for years and at $49.95 it's a total bargain.

Tomorrow, Chico explains the rules of football.

Faking your way through the Super Bowl, part I

Consider the facts.  The Super Bowl is an annual event where men come together, dress up in fancy outfits, bump and grind into each other, and at the end many of them have champagne.  Very much like a circuit party, no?

This year, instead of making quizzical face at the mention of the Super Bowl, why not join the party.  To help out, the MO intern, Chico, is researching the Super Bowl. (Okay, there is no Chico, but wouldn't it be hot if there was?)  Anyway, so far Chico has the following to report:

• It is the Super Bowl, not the SuperBowl or the Super-Bowl.  Definitely not the Superb Bowl. 
• This is Super Bowl XL.  This has nothing to do with that strange space in Chelsea called XL.  And it has nothing to do with Trojan Magnum XLs.  XL is Romanian for 40.  The connection between Romania and the Super Bowl is unclear.  A building in my neighborhood has a super from Romania who is a prick and who yells at my dog, so asking him is really out of the question.
• This year's game is between the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Seattle Seahawks.  The game will be played in Detroit.  The location of the game has nothing to do with the hometown of the teams involved.  Detroit has a team that will not be participating in the event.
• The Bowl in question has nothing to do with marijuana.  The winners do not receive a bowl, or even a trophy, but they do receive jewelry.
• Diet Pepsi is the official soft drink of the NFL.  Hot, right?

More details to come in the following days.  The goal is to have you ready to go to a Super Bowl party, in the middle of the room and conversant, instead of the usual hanging out in the kitchen.