Manhattan Offender

If I get pretty enough, he wondered, then will they love me?

This Valentine's Day maybe I'll Egg my Peds. Or maybe I'll have a baby do it.

No, really, watch this one. A huge mitigating factor is that I actually own a Ped-Egg. You are only supposed to go back and forth with the blades. A sideways swipe could cause some annoying cuts on the sole of your foot. For bonus points, click through the video to read the comments on the video from foot fetishists and folks accusing the creator of being a bad parent. It's just a little amazing.

This Valentine's Day maybe I'll fix my dick.

Sent to me by Paul Ferrer, this not-safe-for-work video of Christeene Lyon is making me hunger for a return of a certain scene downtown.

This Valentine's Day maybe I'll be drunk enough .

via videosift.com

Hey, Beyonce, I just can't get Single Ladies out of my head and, well, I can't get Christmas carols out of my head either, so I was thinking it would be more efficient if we combined the two and thus was born, "All of Santa's Ladies". YouTube this shiz!

All of Santa's ladies (All of Santa's ladies)
All of Santa's ladies (All of Santa's ladies)
All of Santa's ladies (All of Santa's ladies)
All of Santa's ladies 
Now put your hands up

Up at the Pole, Christmas snuck up
I was doing my own little thing.
Elves decided to dip but now they wanna trip
Those little brothers need to get working
I’m up Santa, he up on me
don't pay him any attention
Cuz I made teddy bears, for three good years
Ya can’t be mad at me

[Chorus:]
Cuz if you liked it then you
should have put a jingle ring on it
If you liked it then you shoulda put a jingle ring on it
Don’t be sad that they ain’t jinglin’ with it
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it

Ho ho ho, huh huh ho ho, huh ho ho, huh huh ho ho,
Ho ho ho, huh huh ho ho, huh ho ho, huh huh ho ho.

Cuz if you liked it then you
should have put a jingle ring on it
If you liked it then you shoulda put a jingle ring on it
Don’t be sad that they ain’t jinglin’ with it
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it

When Hanukkah gelt meets coinslot, surely the endtimes are near

Breaking - City in crisis as plans for Halloween not yet solidified and Geiger counters are registering all the vibrating cell phones and glass panels are falling from high rise kennels and OMGWTFIUDSIS!

Every iPhone and Blackberry in the city is vibrating and tinkling and making ironic noises as an island full of people, all of whom have not "solidly confirmed" as there is always that "perfect ideal Halloween situation" out there, but none of whom have seen this situation actualized, have suddenly realized that it is 3:26 in the afternoon and they don't have their sexy kitten costume planned out and they haven't heard from Jeremy/Claudine/Marla/Vito about the loosely held plans they had made and now this island in mass is stressing out because this is possible the last Halloween ever and holy shit it's a Friday night and that means that the streets will emanate of "Cool Water" imported straight from the Paramus/Roosevelt Field Malls and that chicks named Marcy who thought their nipple slips were hilarious at eight, now are just fed up and drunk and ready to fight and all of this is exacerbated by the fact that there will be no cabs and that going to that authentic loft in Williamsburg will mean a ride on the L train and does anybody even know for sure if that is even running tonight?!?

Text me back, a.s.a.p.!

Happy 4-20!

No Saint Patrick's post this year

Since I summed up all of my thoughts on the day so perfectly last year.

Happy Presidents Day Weekend

   

Please note that it is Presidents, not President's, Presdents' or Precedence.  Thank you.