As you know it has become common practice in Manhattan to name streets after, well, just about anyone. For the most part, those with an assigned street have been very involved in the process or, if deceased, we imagine that they do smile down on their eponymous street from their place in heaven. As to any particular generalization, there are of course exceptions.
One such exception is Clarkson Street. In fact the street bearing your name has is actually a blight to the city, if not your very name. Just one block serves as proof to this statement.
At the corner of West, the very inception of your street, we have the West World Adult Video Store. Heading up the block is the Mystique Gentlemen's Club, to which there is no mystique in it's type of business with its 'free lunch buffet'.
Crossing the street you will encounter not one but two vans filled to beyond their capacity, their owners homeless men, living in their vans. Just before Greenwich is one more homeless encampment of a man that does not even have a van.
We must admit to being a bit underwhelmed in your caretaking of the street. Clay Aiken would never tolerate any of this (except perhaps the video store). And we'll be writing to your cohort Taylor Hicks regarding Hicks Street in Brooklyn very soon.
Imploring you to immediate action on your half, Ms. Clarkson,
The City of New York Committee of People-Naming on the Streets
7:46 Omigod, we're doing a tailgate party for the Grammy's? Awesome. 7:48 Kanye West has a girlfriend? And she's taller than him? Hot. 7:50 Hey, I ordered a burger, not fish. Oh, that's just Seacrest, floundering. 8:00 Um, where's Madonna? I thought there would be monkeys. Okay, rappers. But where's Madonna? 8:03 Oh there she is. Wait ... she left. But there's Stuart. Corset!!!! Live singing ...looking kind of Kylie, right? Good riddance to those puppets. Ooooo. Dancer's from Rize! But, um, wasn't this better at the MTV Europe Awards. Ugh. Where's my beer? Mariah is in the audience all like, "I would have done a bit more." Room votes - 5 for, but just because it's Madonna.
8:09 Alicia Keys got skinny. Is it the ProActive? But she has a zit. Huh. 8:10 New Orleans reference count - 1. 8:13 "Don't be putting spit in my harmonica, girl." 8:14 Bump watch. Kelly Clarkson? Oh, wait, she's, like, nice. And real. Aw. 8:17 Huh? Who died? Who are these people? Cold Playas. Room votes. 3 for, 2 against. 8:25 The color just went out on John Legend. Maybe it's on purpose. Why not sepia tones? And who is this? The mute button was just hit. Room votes. 0 for, 5 against. 8:29 They need to caption these country artists. What? Albee just recommended that the clown from the Apollo come and take this lady off the stage. That's mean. I need to know her name to decide if I like her. Okay. I don't. Room votes. O for, 5 against. 8:31 Yay for Merle Norman Haggard. 8:33 When is Project Runway starting. Because they need to make over this Alison Kraus thing. 8:42 Isn't Vertigo, like from 2002? Or does it just seem that way. That's what happens when you oversaturate your song in a commercial. Where's Mary? Oh, there she is doing her Princess Leia thang. Oh, sorry, Frida Kahlo. My bad. This is not good. Mary J, why'd you let them do this song in their key. You are a prominent black woman. You should be in charge. Room vote. 2 for, 3 against. 8:48 Kanye, kanye. The look is just all over the place. His publicist is Gay? His stylist is obviously not. 8:56 Because of booze. Because of jews. Because of flus. Because of news. Because of boobs. Because of lube. Because of cooze. Because of mews. Because of ... ews. No, really, ew. This makeup. This dress? Where's my beer. 9:00 Bump watch. Gwen Stefani. And that palatable junky from Green Day. Wait? U2 is still considered rock? Maybe Adult Contemporary Rock? And ... 9:04 New Orleans reference count - 2. 9:09 Paul Mutecartney. Room too involved in conversation about chode to vote. 9:17 Jennifer Love Hewitt and the Black Peed Eyes. Old friends, we're sure. Kirsty Ally looks fantastic. 9:26 Mariah. Where you been? Guess those measurements. 38/32/45 38/37/38 38/29/45 36/28/45 and one queen is on the phone. 9:29 Mariah has the best microphone of the night. Some dude in the audience keeps interrupting her. 9:32 Terri Hatcher. Dress by Croscill. Makeup by Batman. Body by Crack. 9:34 This room is squealing for Kelly Clarkson. But not me. She said the J-word and the G-word. Oof. 9:44 The show is still on, but we're so very busy here. 9:47 Is that Cheech or Chong? 9:50 9:57 John Legend in Helmut Lang. Some guy in a confederate army hat. Josh Stone in a Mexican blanket. Fantasia shows leg. Some Williamsburger Happy Mea. Ciara shows the can, can. Getting ... overwhelmed ... too many people ... on the stage. High notes. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!! Sly Stone!!!!!!!!! 10:15 Hotties! LL Cool Jay-Z and Bizkitcan. What? Him again? 10:24 Tom Hanks. Not a fan. And that hair is not helping. 10:30 Destiny Childs. Together, but not singing. So you know they are not giving an award to Mariah and so U2 wins. Lala. Blah. Blah. 10:35 Mariah in commercial is better than Mariah live. 10:39 Okay Kanye. Stop me from switching to Project Runway. HHHHHHHHHHHHoooooochies!!!!!!!!!!! THIS should have been the opening act. Sorry, Madge. Kanye did a costume change; what's your excuse. 10:55 Christina Aguilera. Woman. "Britney, can you hear me?" Damn, yes.
11:00 Um, this isn't over. And we're out of wine. Another half hour could kill us all. 11:07 Apparently you are required to hug the woman with the red flower in her hair. 11:10 Corset by GoodYear. But the makeup is flawless. 11:20 Kanye wants it so badly. But U2 gets it. 11:22 End it already. 11:24 Heidi Klum is calling...laterz.
Really have no idea what the term live-blogging means? Don't look here for an explanation, but an attempt will be made tomorrow night; the laptop is left live as some of my favorite haters come over to watch the proceedings. The catchers glove will be up trying to catch the snark as it flies.
Madge is opening with some animated kids number. (I know who the Gorillaz are; I just don't get them, okay?) And Prince and Beyonce will be channeling the SNL skit Prince Show. Following is a list of the nominees. For the sake of disclosure, my choices are in bold. Categories that are beyond my understanding have not been listed.
RECORD OF THE YEAR
"We Belong Together," Mariah Carey
"Feel Good Inc.," Gorillaz Featuring De La Soul
"Boulevard Of Broken Dreams," Green Day
"Hollaback Girl," Gwen Stefani
"Gold Digger," Kanye West
ALBUM OF THE YEAR
"The Emancipation Of Mimi," Mariah Carey
"Chaos And Creation In The Backyard," Paul McCartney
"Love. Angel. Music. Baby.," Gwen Stefani
"How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb," U2
"Late Registration," Kanye West
SONG OF THE YEAR
"Bless The Broken Road"
"Devils & Dust"
"Ordinary People"
"Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own"
"We Belong Together"
BEST NEW ARTIST
Ciara (she’s new?)
Fall Out Boy
Keane
John Legend
SugarLand
BEST FEMALE POP VOCAL PERFORMANCE
"It's Like That," Mariah Carey
"Since U Been Gone," Kelly Clarkson
"Good Is Good," Sheryl Crow
"I Will Not Be Broken," Bonnie Raitt
"Hollaback Girl," Gwen Stefani
BEST POP PERFORMANCE BY A DUO OR GROUP WITH VOCAL
"Don't Lie," The Black Eyed Peas
"Mr. Brightside," The Killers
"More Than Love," Los Lonely Boys
"This Love," Maroon 5
"My Doorbell," The White Stripes
BEST POP VOCAL ALBUM
"Extraordinary Machine," Fiona Apple
"Breakaway," Kelly Clarkson
"Wildflower," Sheryl Crow
"Chaos And Creation In The Backyard," Paul McCartney
"Love. Angel. Music. Baby.," Gwen Stefani (great for lifting)
BEST DANCE RECORDING
"Galvanize," The Chemical Brothers Featuring Q-Tip
"Say Hello," Deep Dish
"Wonderful Night," Fatboy Slim & Lateef
"Daft Punk Is Playing At My House," LCD Soundsystem
"I Believe In You," Kylie Minogue
"Guilt Is A Useless Emotion," New Order
BEST ELECTRONIC/DANCE ALBUM
"Push The Button," The Chemical Brothers
"Human After All," Daft Punk
"Palookaville," Fatboy Slim
"Minimum-Maximum," Kraftwerk
"LCD Soundsystem," LCD Soundsystem
BEST ROCK PERFORMANCE BY A DUO OR GROUP WITH VOCAL
"Speed Of Sound," Coldplay
"Best Of You," Foo Fighters
"Do You Want To," Franz Ferdinand
"All These Things That I've Done," The Killers
"Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own," U2
BEST HARD ROCK PERFORMANCE
"Doesn't Remind Me," Audioslave
"The Hand That Feeds," Nine Inch Nails
"Tin Pan Valley," Robert Plant
"Little Sister," Queens Of The Stone Age
"B.Y.O.B.," System Of A Down
BEST ALTERNATIVE MUSIC ALBUM
"Funeral," The Arcade Fire
"Guero," Beck
"Plans," Death Cab For Cutie
"You Could Have It So Much Better," Franz Ferdinand
"Get Behind Me Satan," The White Stripes
BEST FEMALE R&B VOCAL PERFORMANCE
"1 Thing," Amerie
"Wishing On A Star," Beyoncé
"We Belong Together," Mariah Carey
"Free Yourself," Fantasia
"Unbreakable," Alicia Keys
BEST TRADITIONAL R&B VOCAL PERFORMANCE
"Mine Again," Mariah Carey
"Summertime," Fantasia
"A House Is Not A Home," Aretha Franklin (love this song)
Dear Ms. Clarkson,
At the corner of West, the very inception of your street, we have the West World Adult Video Store. Heading up the block is the Mystique Gentlemen's Club, to which there is no mystique in it's type of business with its 'free lunch buffet'.
Crossing the street you will encounter not one but two vans filled to beyond their capacity, their owners homeless men, living in their vans. Just before Greenwich is one more homeless encampment of a man that does not even have a van.
