7:46 Omigod, we're doing a tailgate party for the Grammy's? Awesome.
7:48 Kanye West has a girlfriend? And she's taller than him? Hot.
7:50 Hey, I ordered a burger, not fish. Oh, that's just Seacrest, floundering.
8:00 Um, where's Madonna? I thought there would be monkeys. Okay, rappers. But where's Madonna?
8:03 Oh there she is. Wait ... she left. But there's Stuart. Corset!!!! Live singing ...looking kind of Kylie, right? Good riddance to those puppets. Ooooo. Dancer's from Rize! But, um, wasn't this better at the MTV Europe Awards. Ugh. Where's my beer? Mariah is in the audience all like, "I would have done a bit more." Room votes - 5 for, but just because it's Madonna.
8:09 Alicia Keys got skinny. Is it the ProActive? But she has a zit. Huh.
8:10 New Orleans reference count - 1.
8:13 "Don't be putting spit in my harmonica, girl."
8:14 Bump watch. Kelly Clarkson? Oh, wait, she's, like, nice. And real. Aw.
8:17 Huh? Who died? Who are these people? Cold Playas. Room votes. 3 for, 2 against.
8:25 The color just went out on John Legend. Maybe it's on purpose. Why not sepia tones? And who is this? The mute button was just hit. Room votes. 0 for, 5 against.
8:29 They need to caption these country artists. What? Albee just recommended that the clown from the Apollo come and take this lady off the stage. That's mean. I need to know her name to decide if I like her. Okay. I don't. Room votes. O for, 5 against.
8:31 Yay for Merle
8:33 When is Project Runway starting. Because they need to make over this Alison Kraus thing.
8:42 Isn't Vertigo, like from 2002? Or does it just seem that way. That's what happens when you oversaturate your song in a commercial. Where's Mary? Oh, there she is doing her Princess Leia thang. Oh, sorry, Frida Kahlo. My bad. This is not good. Mary J, why'd you let them do this song in their key. You are a prominent black woman. You should be in charge. Room vote. 2 for, 3 against.
8:48 Kanye, kanye. The look is just all over the place. His publicist is Gay? His stylist is obviously not.
8:56 Because of booze. Because of jews. Because of flus. Because of news. Because of boobs. Because of lube. Because of cooze. Because of mews. Because of ... ews. No, really, ew. This makeup. This dress? Where's my beer.
9:00 Bump watch. Gwen Stefani. And that palatable junky from Green Day. Wait? U2 is still considered rock? Maybe Adult Contemporary Rock? And ...
9:04 New Orleans reference count - 2.
9:09 Paul Mutecartney. Room too involved in conversation about chode to vote.
9:17 Jennifer Love Hewitt and the Black Peed Eyes. Old friends, we're sure. Kirsty Ally looks fantastic.
9:26 Mariah. Where you been? Guess those measurements. 38/32/45 38/37/38 38/29/45 36/28/45 and one queen is on the phone.
9:29 Mariah has the best microphone of the night. Some dude in the audience keeps interrupting her.
9:32 Terri Hatcher. Dress by Croscill. Makeup by Batman. Body by Crack.
9:34 This room is squealing for Kelly Clarkson. But not me. She said the J-word and the G-word. Oof.
9:44 The show is still on, but we're so very busy here.
9:47 Is that Cheech or Chong?
9:57 John Legend in Helmut Lang. Some guy in a confederate army hat. Josh Stone in a Mexican blanket. Fantasia shows leg. Some Williamsburger Happy Mea. Ciara shows the can, can. Getting ... overwhelmed ... too many people ... on the stage. High notes. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!! Sly Stone!!!!!!!!!
10:15 Hotties! LL Cool Jay-Z and Bizkitcan. What? Him again?
10:24 Tom Hanks. Not a fan. And that hair is not helping.
10:30 Destiny Childs. Together, but not singing. So you know they are not giving an award to Mariah and so U2 wins. Lala. Blah. Blah.
10:35 Mariah in commercial is better than Mariah live.
10:39 Okay Kanye. Stop me from switching to Project Runway. HHHHHHHHHHHHoooooochies!!!!!!!!!!! THIS should have been the opening act. Sorry, Madge. Kanye did a costume change; what's your excuse.
10:55 Christina Aguilera. Woman. "Britney, can you hear me?" Damn, yes.
11:00 Um, this isn't over. And we're out of wine. Another half hour could kill us all.
11:07 Apparently you are required to hug the woman with the red flower in her hair.
11:10 Corset by GoodYear. But the makeup is flawless.
11:20 Kanye wants it so badly. But U2 gets it.
11:22 End it already.
11:24 Heidi Klum is calling...laterz.