Last night I attended a benefit in the place of a friend that has swine flu, er, H1N1. Not the jokey, "I've got swine flu," but the real deal, diagnosed by a doctor version. Bored this morning (he's not the type to spend so much time at home) he inquired on how things went. Following is my report back:
First of all, thank you for the opportunity to attend in your stead. Here’s what I remember:
- I decided that Long Island Iced Teas were a good idea. I had five or six of them. In your name.
- [Redacted-1] capped the evening with a round of Jaeger shots for us all.
- There were some cute guys there, but all had flaws. The cutest one had this lovely full beard, but had this inch of space where his sideburns would be. There was also a tall handsome one that just could not look my way. He was obviously retarded.
- The food? Pretzels and goldfish.
- There was a gigantess there with huge tits that just were barely held in by a skimpy outfit. She was amazing and I love her.
- We just HAD to meet [redacted-2] because of her amazing name. She sheparded us into the upstairs VIP area.
- The VIP food? Six-foot long sandwich! It was very delicious!
- It was the first time I think I’ve ever gone upstairs at Stonewall. I think it might be a good birthday venue. Speakeasy feel.
- The bathroom did not lock. Even if you closed the door, people would walk in on you. [Redacted-1] took a dump anyway.
- Afterwards we met [redacted-4] and [redacted-5] (both of whom I now like very much) at Automatic Slims.
- [Redacted-6] joined us, but did not eat. DOES [REDACTED-3] EAT?????
- I had the Catfish Fingers. I did not know Catfish had HANDS!?!?!?!? Anyway, in drunkenness, I dumped the entire plate in my lap. I was befuddled by the tartar sauce stain on my pants this morning.
- I bought a comic book on the way home and took the subway. I do not remember buying or reading the comic book, but it was in my bed with me when I woke up this morning.
- For some reason I am not hungover.
- Again, thank you.