Manhattan Offender

Breakfast burrito: so many questions

• How does this beast live in the state that spawned Dolly Parton? 
• So now it's okay to shop at Wal-Mart?
• Is a retirement center designed by a tennis living lesbian legend the right place to grow old?
• Why do the gays lie to their doctors?  (Really, mine knows way more than my hairdresser.)
• Is being known as someone who urinates on a teenage girl a better social stigma than being known as bisexual?
• When will Ryan Seacrest come out (against the homophobic comments made on American Idol)?
• Don't those people on the eHarmony commercials look thirsty for some Kool-Aid?  Tasty, quenchy, culty Kool-Aid?
• Dives (Circus) or divas (Vlada) in Hell's Kitchen?

First look: Amanda Lepore as "Couture Baby"

The first images of the Amanda Lepore dolls are beginning to be released.  Pictured is "Couture Baby" Amanda Lepore Doll with makeup by NARS.

The dolls will be available sooner than previously reported.  All three Amanda dolls will be sold at the NARS Cosmetics counter at Jeffrey NY beginning April 3 leading up to the April 11 fundraiser at Jeffrey NY.  Additionally, the "Work Out" version will be sold at David Barton a week prior to April 11. 

Make room on your shelf for Amanda LePore

From the figurative to the literal:  Amanda LePore is a doll, actually a line of dolls.  Instead of plying her with promises and cash to get her through your door, you can just buy her and take her home. 

Although some are snarky or rude when they mention Amanda, we've been around her for years (has it really been over a decade?) and found her to be funny, self-effacing, and beautiful.  Where some artists may use canvas or clay, Amanda has allowed art to subsume her, becoming a piece of living, breathing art.

The dolls will go on sale April 11, exclusively at Jeffrey.  Proceeds will benefit DIFFA (Design Industry Foundation Fighting AIDS).

Until then let Amanda sing for you (and pose after the jump):

The Manhattan Offender Interview: Eyal, the entrepreneur

Number eighteen in a series.

1. What's your secret to staying so beautiful?
   It is difficult to explain, but sometimes in the middle of the night I feel myself getting a little bit more beautiful. I swear, this one time, in the middle of the night the force of the beauty was so violent that it shook me awake. It was so seismic the next day the neighbors complained. It's powerful stuff.
2. Is it true what the tabloids are saying about your relationship?
   It's true I am a happily married man. Literally after years of being such a slut, it was natural to come out with my own personal lube at the age of 24. Well, last April I found my dream man, it's amazing what the power of love can do to tame the urban slut.
3. This new project of yours is certainly taking everyone by surprise. Tell us about it.
   Check it. Spring 2006. "You Won't Believe it's Not Boy Butter". A project years in the making, it was painstaking trying to attain perfection on the worlds first Water Based Cream. Totally revolutionary, not only will this be hands down the best condom safe lube in the world. Sexual penetration will never be the same. Ever. Ev-er.
4. Who are you wearing?
   I’m wearing a Liger print by Mugatu.
5. Would you ever do a role that required nudity?
   Nudity is mandatory in my job. Especially with all that quality testing the state requires me to do. It’s the law.

You can learn more about Eyal at Boy Butter.

The caffeine routine

Routines can sneak up on you and suddenly you're in a rut.  A recent rut for me was the daily Diet Coke for lunch, but don't get me wrong.  Diet Coke is adored here with the only problem being that, well, caffeine causes an allergic reaction in me.  Trace amounts are no problem, but there is a certain threashold that essentially throws my digestive tract into turmoil.

The allergy was first detected while in the midst of college finals, downing cup after cup of coffee.  What starts as stomach pain eventually turns into gastric spasms that essentially feel like Courtney Love playing guitar on the intestines.  In addition to the pain, there is the accompanying, um, cleansing of the gastic system both from above and below.  The first time in the emergency room was passed off as food poisoning.  The second time in the emergency room that same week though brought an analysis of consumption.  Consequently, every time coffee or soda or large amounts of chocolate were taken in, the allergy again took hold.  Eventually, the caffeine-free route was taken with only minimal intake.

Over the years, my ability to measure my body's capacity for caffeine has improved.  The big secret is that because my intake is so minimal, when I do indulge, a really nice wiry buzz takes hold.  Recently, as work has become stressful and since they would detect wine on the breath, the daily Diet Coke at lunch has been getting me through the day.  If anything, my recommendation is to knock caffiene in order to enjoy this buzz for yourself as it's really quite lovely.

But today, the daily lunch buzz is unlikely to improve my situation, so a new alternative was sought out.  7-Up Plus, Island Fruit flavor is maybe the best new (non-alcoholic) beverage to touch my tongue in quite a while.  Assuming that, of course, this was my discovery, it was, of course, googled, and, of course, it's been around for a while. 

With ads featuring Sex in the City and Desperate Housewives minxes, the guess is that it is marketed to the ladies.  And although the commercial with Marcia Cross and Nicollette Sheridan has seen my screen many times, the oddity of the thing distracted me from what was being sold.  The taste is light, slightly tart, and actually refreshing.  It lacks the over-carbonation that is often found in sodas, and it is only 10 calories.

So now my routine is broken and a choice will be made every day at lunch:  Do I get refreshed or do I get wired?

It's more than just comics, but there are a lot of comics

Even Wonder Woman couldn't have handled crowd control at the New York City Comic-Con held this weekend at the Javits Center.  Even after closing off new ticket sales, thousands were still turned away or waited in long lines trying to reach the convention floor.

Just a bit of craftiness though was enough to land my handbags for the day, web-comic creator Chuck and Chino, along with me on the convention floor surrounded by art and artists, collectibles and collectors.  After the jump lots of four-color magic.

Comics Convention shopping list

The first ever New York Comic-Con will be cluttering up the Javits Center all weekend with tons of costumed folks mingling with fans of costumed folks.  The ambience, a cross between islamic fundamentalism and pure camp, is catching and mystifying at the same time.  The show opens to the public today (4-8), and is open Saturday (11-7) and Sunday (11-6).  A mix of comics, manga, and game industry writers and artists will be joined by celebs promoting the career-crucial comic-related film (such as Milla Jovovich).

More important than any of the above though is the shopping.  The floor of the convention center becomes a walk-through eBay center.  You too can decorate your home in a John-Waters-meets-Conan-meets-Boba-Fett style.  After the jump, some of the items for which my eye will be searching.

Faking your way through the Super Bowl: part 2

Since we're confident that you are going to go to a Super Bowl party, we'll be providing more essentials (player roster, team stats, game rules) later in the week. But the priority now is to be ready as a party guest. Chico the intern set out with the MO Black AMEX card to purchase a few Super Bowl party essentials.

Face painting is a very popular activity among football fans. Typically oil-based supercoating paints are used to paint the team emblem or colors or cute slogans on the face. As you are more likely wanting a more subtle look that won't destroy your skin, the first stop was the Trish McEvoy counter at Bloomingdales. One of the key questions was whether it was the blues and greens of the Seattle Seahawks or the blacks and golds of the Pittsburgh Steelers that would be featured. As a decision either way has not yet been decided, a noncommittal "yes" was the answer. Once reminded that it is stong eye/pale lip (as strong eye/strong lip would be whorish) the resulting blue-green eye with gold glitter was certainly a step above the usual.

Here' Chico in old school face paint:

And here's Chico after his visit to Trish McEvoy.

Obviously this is a step above the usual cracking oils and uneven lines of regular face paint, and better for your skin. (Although there's something kind of hot about the old school look, right?)

With makeup chosen, you need an outfit. At this point you really need to choose a team. So, think, will it be the Seattle Seahawks halter bikini or the Pittsburgh Steelers Cheerleading outfit?

Since Chico has destroyed any chance you had at butch cred with the above, maybe you can redeem yourself with an appropriate gift for your host. We think we have something that they will treasure for years and at $49.95 it's a total bargain.

Tomorrow, Chico explains the rules of football.

Feeling silky

Although they've been around forever, silk scarves have never been part of my wardrobe, but a stroll in the cold brought me to Daffy's in search of warmwear. Caps and gloves and many scarves presented several doable options. But hidden away in a corner was a cornucopia of sexy silks. The array of colors and styles abounded with the paisleys being particularly pleasing. Bonus points are granted for not interfering with the perma-stubble beard. To seal the deal was the price, only $6.99 each. There were soon ten in my hands, soon edited down to three.

There is now alway one scarf on me at all times adding just a little something extra to every look. Granted, it was probably overdoing it when the scarf accompanied my on the dance-floor at Crobar, but it gave me the perfect opportunity to change looks around every few hours until finally settling as a belt. So maybe they are my new binky, blankets to my Linus. For $6.99 though, the three will soon be joined by many, many more.

Have yourself a christy little christmas

The Times opinion page today debunks the precepts behind the assorted boycotts against retailers that don't display nativity scenes in their windows (or something like that). In This Season's War Cry: Commercialize Christmas or Else Adam Cohen points out that for the majority of American history the mere celebration of Christmas was frowned upon, if not outright banned. It was only in the 1920's when retailers "had adopted Christmas as its own." Even then religious organizations, now accepting the popularity of the holiday, were then concerned of tying christianity to materialism.

Now coming full circle, some quasi-religious groups and, apparently FOX "News", are protesting the use of the more inclusive "Happy Holidays" in lieu of "Merry Christmas". One such group, the "American Family Association" (which just sounds so generically evil) proposes a boycott of Target stores as they don't explicitly use images of Jesus use the term "Merry Christmas" in their advertising. Curiously, the AFA website, (which is full of hatred toward the gays) offers an e-card that suggests one celebrate a "Veggie Christmas"; the background music on the card is "Deck the Halls", a non-christy song that actually encourages the donning of gay apparel.

In an effort to conteract the efforts of these hateful AFA people, please find below, as a public service announcement, some of the key items that you can buy for me at Target this week:

• Barbie Holiday (note - not Christmas) Dolls - $8.87
• Easy Bake Oven and Snack Center - $11.88 (for years I begged for this)
• Leatherman multi-tool - $24 (butch!)
• Meade 60mm telescope $77.00 (still cannot make out the pecs on my neighbor across the way)
• Newlyweds Season One DVD $14.99
• Six-foot banquet table - $33.00 (an entertaining essential)
• Towle stainless steel wine cooler - $24.00 (this merchandising effort by Andy Towle is getting diverse, no?)
• Hello Kitty mini-water dispenser with collectible cup - $15
• Roomba vacuum - $279.99 (Just the thing to freak out the dog!)
• Xhilaration shine fishnet stockings - $3.99
• Black & Decker laser level and stud finder - $49.99
• Stove Top stuffing - $.99

  So this holiday season be sure to shop at any retailer where the religious right tells you not to shop. If you are confronted by some bible-warrior fervently protesting you in your gay apparel, be calm, turn to them, and smilingly say, "Have yourself a merry little christmas; I'm having a happy holiday."