Manhattan Offender

Tales from the marriage equality frontline - "I'd wear a ribbon, but this is Comme des Garçons!"

This thing is like that thing, but in this thing, you'll be taken behind the scenes of gays that are, like, doing something other than luxuriating in the sun and sand.

SCENE:  Under the elevated subway tracks of the N/W train in Astoria.  Trains come to a squealing stop every few minutes and throngs of people exit the train platform and descend the stairs to the street.  They are met by a group of about fifteen pamphleteers. 

RIBBONGAY:  Ugh.  I just wanted to get up in that guy's face.

FASHIONGAY:  Which guy?

RIBBONGAY:  The one that yelled, "Marriage is for man and woman."

FASHIONGAY:  Oh, right? 

RIBBONGAY:  Yeah.  All I wanted to say is, "For two more months, baby."

FASHIONGAY:  The "baby" would be a bit much.

RIBBONGAY:  Fuck "too much".

SUITGAY:  [loudly to a group coming down from the train platform]  State Senator Onorato is against gay marriage equality!

RIBBONGAY:  I told him that was too wordy.

FASHIONGAY:  His voice is great though.

RIBBONGAY:  But just "Support marriage equality" is enough.  You catch their attention and they read the sign and they take a flyer.

FASHIONGAY:  [loudly]  Support marriage equality!

RIBBONGAY:  You have a great voice.  Butch! 

FASHIONGAY:  I have to conserve it though.  Last time I went to the office the next day?  And they were all, "Up late?" because I was raspy.

RIBBONGAY:  Hey, I didn't give you a ribbon. Here ...

FASHIONGAY:  Oh, no, no.  I'd wear a ribbon, but this is Comme des Garçons!

RIBBONGAY:  What?

FASHIONGAY:  Oh, baby homo, you have much to learn.  Adorable!  [loudly]  Your State Senator is on the wrong side of history!

RIBBONGAY:  That was a good one.

FASHIONGAY:  Right? 

to be continued ...

The Fire Island Listening Project - Location is everything

Oh no, summer, where did you go?  Pages of eavesdropped notes from trains, ferries, parties, and other Fire Island Pines locations are ready to be reported back to illustrate how the gays function.  All dialog based on real conversation.

ACT 2, SCENE 1

EXT.  A THREE-FLOOR RESIDENCE ON OCEAN WALK

There are approximately 200 gay men and five women at the pool party.  The party is in full swing on a Saturday mid-afternoon.  While the home has enough room for all to spread out, certain areas are more crowded than others.  The staffed bars and roof deck are particularly populous.  Drinks in one hand and railing in the other, HAIRGAY AND BAREGAY (named according to their chest hair or lack thereof) are in a string of gay men climbing a metal spiral staircase from the second floor deck off of the living area to the third floor roof deck of the residence. 

HAIRGAY:  Well, I hate to be "that boy at the party", but if I ...

HOSTGAY:  Coming down, bitches.  You have to get out of my way because I live here, okay?

[HOSTGAY releases a 'boi'sterous laugh and squeezes down the already crowded staircase as it releases metallic creaks.]

BAREGAY:  Is that one of the birthday boys?

HAIRGAY:  They should wear nametags, because I have no idea.  I don't think I know anybody that lives here.

BAREGAY:  You know Patrick and Theo.  They were at our Invasion post-party.  You were in the hot tub with them.

HAIRGAY:  And half the island, too.  Don't worry, if you see them just say their names, and I'll play along.  But I was saying, I don't want to be "that boy" but if you're going ...

BAREGAY:  Hold on a second.  Look at this view!  They get the bay and the ocean.  That's just fantastic, isn't it?  Too bad they have to look at that deck over there.

HAIRGAY:  That's the one we're always trying to figure out from our deck.  I thought it was just this narrow strip of roof, but it ... oh.  Oh no!  It's two levels. 

BAREGAY:  I hate it.  It looks like they must have bought a kit at Sears or something.  Look at those struts keeping it up.  And just so much balustrade.  The poor things.  That's code now you know.

HAIRGAY:  What's code?

BAREGAY:  The balustrades.  The code requires decks to have all those extra verticals.  It's just awful.  Building code is just to protect the children and the idiots.  Did you know you can't build a pool with a diving board in Suffolk County anymore?

HAIRGAY:  Morsey had a diving board at his place.

BAREGAY:  Well it was built before the code change then.  Look at that pool down there.  Wouldn't it be better with a board?  I mean, it's a great pool, but ... Is that Tim?  With Hans?

HAIRGAY:  I don't know any Hans.  Which Tim?  Tall tattoo Tim?

BAREGAY:  No, little Tim with the bick dig.

HAIRGAY:  Oh, by the bar.  He has no business in a Speedo though.

BAREGAY:  He's got all kinds of business in that Speedo.  This is sort of a perfect spot, isn't it?

HAIRGAY:  Like I was trying to say, I like the house and all, but I'd never want to live right off of the Dick Dock.  There's always all that late ...

BAREGAY:  The roof deck.

HAIRGAY:  What?

BAREGAY:  The roof deck is the perfect spot to stand and watch.  Not the house.  I'd never live right off of the Dick Dock.

HAIRGAY:  Right?  I thought I was being "that boy" again.

BAREGAY:  Look around you.  Every boy here is "that boy".

END ACT II, SCENE I
TO BE CONTINUED ...

The Fire Island Listening Project: Don't say, "bumps" Say, "toots".

Suddenly it's summer again, which means eavesdropping and reporting back from Fire Island Pines to learn how the gays function.  All dialogue based on real conversation.

ACT 1, SCENE 2

EXT.  SAYVILLE FERRY STATION

A chilly wind sweeps over gays standing in line to purchase and tickets for ferry to The Pines.  CANVASGAY and LOGOGAY stand in a semi-huddle bracing against the wind.  HOODIEGAY approaches them, smiling and waving an iPhone in his hand.

LOGOGAY:  Oh.  Migod.  You got it back.

HOODIEGAY:  I'm all, like, laughing and crying at the same time.  The other drivers couldn't help me, but I got the number for the dispatch center.  Karen - the driver (we're friends now) - stopped at a hardware store, and totally found it right in the seat where I was sitting.

LOGOGAY:  You tipped her, right?

HOODIEGAY:  Ten.  God.  Should I have given her more?

CANVASGAY:  Those are cute pants, but if the pockets won't hold your phone ...

HOODIEGAY:  I know.  I never think about pocket depth when I'm shopping, but I really like them.  Look at my ass.  Varvatos.  [Looking toward the bar/restaurant area]  I'm ready for a drink.

CANVASGAY:  Oh, and it's freezing.  Should we bring our bags?

LOGOGAY:  This crowd wouldn't be seen with your bag.  I'll stay outside though.  Get me a vodka/cran.

[CANVASGAY and HOODIEGAY head indoors, saying wide-eyed "hey"s and "hi"s to assorted gays on the way.  After ordering drinks and socializing, they head back outside.]

CANVASGAY:  Where the hell is Tad?  I'm all two-fisted.

HOODIEGAY:  He's over there by that silverdaddy.  Um.  So, listen.  Do I owe you some money?  Did you make any purchases?

CANVASGAY:  No.  I couldn't, but my guy is coming out on the eleven o'clock tomorrow morning.

HOODIEGAY:  The season really has started.

CANVASGAY:  I know, right?

HOODIEGAY:  But what if I want a couple bumps tonight?

CANVASGAY:  Bumps?

HOODIEGAY:  I've been up since six, so ...

CANVASGAY:  Don't say, "bumps".  Say, "toots".

HOODIEGAY:  Toots?  Cute!  Tootsie.

CANVASGAY:  [Striking an English accent]  Tuts, tuts, tuts.

[LOGOGAY approaches.]

LOGOGAY:  Everytime I come out to Fire Island, I find out a co-worker is gay.  [Takes vodka-cranberry cocktail from CANVASGAY.]  Ooo.  Perfect timing.  We're boarding!

There is noise as the gays waiting in line reconfigure and adjust for boarding.   LOGOGAY, CANVASGAY, and HOODIEGAY board the Fire Island Clipper, finding seats in the middle front.  CANVASGAY searches for his cell phone.

HOODIEGAY:  That RING-tone!

CANVASGAY:  [To phone] Hel-lo?  Sweetie?  Hello?  [Pocketing phone.]  I missed his call.  He's going to be so pissed.

The engines start and settle into a low hum in the boat.  Suddenly a clatter of noise comes from near the doors.  SWEATSHIRTGAY, SWEATERGAY, and CARLOTHEBLIND enter the ferry and head for the middle front. 

CANVASGAY:  Oh.  Migod! 

SWEATSHIRTGAY:  Your god?  My god!  Have we got a story for you.

END ACT I, SCENE II
TO BE CONTINUED ...

 

The Fire Island Listening Project: It's not gay; it's pretty.

Suddenly it's summer again, which means eavesdropping and reporting back from Fire Island Pines to learn how the gays function.  All dialogue based on real conversation.

ACT 1 SCENE 1

INT.  PENN STATION, LONG ISLAND RAILROAD TERMINAL
In the Friday afternoon hustle-bustle of Penn Station, three figures stand out in the crowd.  Named after their jackets HOODIEGAY, LOGOGAY, and CANVASGAY, the shortest of whom is six feet tall, each have two large pieces of luggage, and cell phones posted at their ears.  One carries a bag from McDonald’s. 

LOGOGAY points toward Track 21 and the other two follow down the stairs and, after some hand-gestured deliberation, choose seats.  HOODIEGAY and CANVASGAY end their conversations, pocketing their respective iPhone and Samsung Glyde phones.

CANVASGAY:  "He yelled at me."

HOODIEGAY:  "He's a yeller.  All architects are.  They can't handle pressure and then they start yelling.  Which is why I don't date architects.  Ever."

CANVASGAY:  "But there was no reason to yell."

HOODIEGAY:  “He missed the train.  He’s carrying those bags, and he’s got the dog.”

CANVASGAY: “My poor blind doggie.”

HOODIEGAY:  “But it’s not like he’s alone, right?  He left work with Barry?”

CANVASGAY: “He was yelling at him too.”

[LOGOGAY puts down a Blackberry 7100 and picks up a Blackberry Curve and begins typing. CANVASGAY’s phone rings.]

HOODIEGAY:  “What’s that gay noise?  [Turning to LOGOGAY] And why do you have two phones?”

LOGOGAY:  “One’s for work, and one’s for play.  I don’t combine the two.  Are they still fighting?”

HOODIEGAY:  “It’s not a fight.  Rigo is just, uh, expressing himself.  You know how the Latinos are.  Everything is passionate.  [Looks down at a vintage Rolex.]  He’s going to be really passionate in about a minute.  Make that now.  The door’s are closing.  [Turning to CANVASGAY] Vinny.  [Waving hand in front of CANVASGAY’s face] You can tell him he missed the train.

CANVASGAY:  No.  I can’t.  He hung up on me.

HOODIEGAY:  What’s done is done.  He’ll catch the next train and catch up when we transfer.

LOGOGAY:  No.  He won’t.  This is an express to Babylon.

HOODIEGAY:  It will all work out.  [Reaching into McDonald’s bag]  Here.  Eat your sammich.  What are these anyway?

CANVASGAY:  I just feel bad because he’s bringing the dog and Carlo is a lot of work.

LOGOGAY:  Carlo the blind dog we’ve heard so much about?

CANVASGAY:  My baby Carlito.  He can’t help …

HOODIEGAY:  It’s bad enough I’m eating McDonald’s, but it’s worse I’m eating alone.  Eat, Vinny.  You want a bite, Tad?  What are these?  They’re delicious.

CANVASGAY:  Southern style chicken sandwich.  Fried chicken on a simple buttered bun and pickles.  It’s like a picnic.

HOODIEGAY:  Ugh.  I’m having my fattest summer ever, for sure.  Whatever they’re using for butter flavor really sticks with you.  Wonderful.

CANVASGAY:  I’m just dreading my phone ringing again.

HOODIEGAY:   Me too.  You have a gay ringtone.

CANVASGAY:  It’s not gay; it’s pretty.

END ACT 1; SCENE 1
TO BE CONTINUED ...

The Fire Island Listening Project: Season two starts now

After some internal debate, it's been decided.  When I go out to Fire Island this afternoon, my ears will be tuned in on the gays.