Suddenly
it's summer again, which means eavesdropping and reporting back from
Fire Island Pines to learn how the gays function. All dialogue based
on real conversation.
ACT 1, SCENE 2
EXT. SAYVILLE FERRY STATION
A chilly wind sweeps over gays standing in line to purchase and tickets for ferry to The Pines. CANVASGAY and LOGOGAY stand in a semi-huddle bracing against the wind. HOODIEGAY approaches them, smiling and waving an iPhone in his hand.
LOGOGAY: Oh. Migod. You got it back.
HOODIEGAY: I'm all, like, laughing and crying at the same time. The other drivers couldn't help me, but I got the number for the dispatch center. Karen - the driver (we're friends now) - stopped at a hardware store, and totally found it right in the seat where I was sitting.
LOGOGAY: You tipped her, right?
HOODIEGAY: Ten. God. Should I have given her more?
CANVASGAY: Those are cute pants, but if the pockets won't hold your phone ...
HOODIEGAY: I know. I never think about pocket depth when I'm shopping, but I really like them. Look at my ass. Varvatos. [Looking toward the bar/restaurant area] I'm ready for a drink.
CANVASGAY: Oh, and it's freezing. Should we bring our bags?
LOGOGAY: This crowd wouldn't be seen with your bag. I'll stay outside though. Get me a vodka/cran.
[CANVASGAY and HOODIEGAY head indoors, saying wide-eyed "hey"s and "hi"s to assorted gays on the way. After ordering drinks and socializing, they head back outside.]
CANVASGAY: Where the hell is Tad? I'm all two-fisted.
HOODIEGAY: He's over there by that silverdaddy. Um. So, listen. Do I owe you some money? Did you make any purchases?
CANVASGAY: No. I couldn't, but my guy is coming out on the eleven o'clock tomorrow morning.
HOODIEGAY: The season really has started.
CANVASGAY: I know, right?
HOODIEGAY: But what if I want a couple bumps tonight?
CANVASGAY: Bumps?
HOODIEGAY: I've been up since six, so ...
CANVASGAY: Don't say, "bumps". Say, "toots".
HOODIEGAY: Toots? Cute! Tootsie.
CANVASGAY: [Striking an English accent] Tuts, tuts, tuts.
[LOGOGAY approaches.]
LOGOGAY: Everytime I come out to Fire Island, I find out a co-worker is gay. [Takes vodka-cranberry cocktail from CANVASGAY.] Ooo. Perfect timing. We're boarding!
There is noise as the gays waiting in line reconfigure and adjust for boarding. LOGOGAY, CANVASGAY, and HOODIEGAY board the Fire Island Clipper, finding seats in the middle front. CANVASGAY searches for his cell phone.
HOODIEGAY: That RING-tone!
CANVASGAY: [To phone] Hel-lo? Sweetie? Hello? [Pocketing phone.] I missed his call. He's going to be so pissed.
The engines start and settle into a low hum in the boat. Suddenly a clatter of noise comes from near the doors. SWEATSHIRTGAY, SWEATERGAY, and CARLOTHEBLIND enter the ferry and head for the middle front.
CANVASGAY: Oh. Migod!
SWEATSHIRTGAY: Your god? My god! Have we got a story for you.
END ACT I, SCENE II
TO BE CONTINUED ...