Manhattan Offender

Andrew Morton did not thoroughly research the homosexuality of Tom Cruise

Much talk has been made of the new Andrew Morton look into the life of Tom Cruise and the allegations of his high position within the Church of Scientology.  What had been previously more chat-worthy though were the allegations of Tom's cruising.  You know, with teh gays?

It seems that every gay has a friend of a friend that has fingered, fucked, or felched cruise.  Personally, I don't care as, despite my usual contention that the mentally ill are better in bed, Cruise is in my column of "bad lays".  Cruise has shown gay tendencies for years, though, as pointed out in this Quentin Tarantino analysis of Top Gun.

The Tom Cruise Scientology video is more about me than anything ever has been

As I often do, I read this to be less about Tom Cruise and more about myself.  I saw the 'news' item yesterday, and totally skipped over it.  In fact I skipped over it in all of it's iterations.  Then I heard a teaser for it on a 'news' program, but didn't stick around to hear what it was all about.

And now, 500,000+ page views at Gawker later, it's one of the biggest things on the web.  Bigger than the couch-jumping ever was.  And I'm convinced that I'm simply an outsider to Amerkun culture.  I just don't get the fascination with the story.  In short, I don't care.

Thank you for reading this tale of self-affirmation.

Breakfast Burrito: Placenta Edition

• If you're headed to the Cruise-Holmes residence this evening, you can be sure to have a special meal of Placenta Lasagna.  But if you aren't why not try it out at home. 

  Placenta Lasagne:
  Use your favorite Lasagne recipe and substitute this mixture for one layer of cheese. In 2 tbl. olive oil, quickly saute meat of 3/4 placenta, ground or minced; plus 2 sliced cloves of garlic, 1/2 tsp. oregano, 1/2 diced onion & 2 tbl. tomato paste, or 1 whole tomato.

• Remember to bring a present for little baby-girl, Suri.  Remember, Suri means "princess" in Hebrew and "Red Rose" in Ancient Persian.  Perhaps this is a reference to Princess Rose Red, the sister of Snow White.  If they pump out another little girl the name Peruvia Flake may just work!

• But babies shouldn't become spoiled, so bring a present for the parents as well.  Tom, a famous heterosexual,  has always filled out t-shirt rather nicely.  And Katie hasn't convinced those tabloid scoundrels of her conviction to Scientology, so maybe wearing her religion on her sleeve (or, er, breasts) would work for her as well.

• Actually, ignoring the snark, the attention festered on children who are innocent of their parentage is rather disgusting.  There was a time that children were off-limits to reporters, but that was a time when "people" like Billy Bush weren't considered reporters.  As for those of you inevitably coming here in your frantic Google searches for pictures or news of little baby Suri (or Preston Federline or the Brangelina baby or Zahara or Maddox) just remember that you're feeding an evil machine.  Remember what happens to children that are over exposed to the media from an early age.