Manhattan Offender

Antonio Sabato Junior used to have a penis

Look, I'm reading and have the television on for random noise.  No way in hell am I watching some NBC show about celebrities of the 1890's doing circus acts (called Celebrity Circus).  Antonio Sabato Junior is in an iridescent spandex body suit.  And he has no penis.  At all.  There's no 'there' there.

Apparently this wasn't always the case, as a search for "antonio sabato penis" quickly revealed that he now has a soft-core gay porn career.  Congrats!  In what I think is the first time I've ever posted frontal male nudity, you'll find the penis after the jump. 

Picture via OMG blog (Not safe for work).

WGA strike might just be good for journalism

Given the choice of showing a zippy new episode of "According to Jim" or preempting with coverage of that pesky Presidential thing, ABC pulled a shocker.  Needing a staple of new programing if the Writer's Guild strike lingers, ABC chose the banter of Charie Gibson and George Stephanopolous over that of Jim Belushi and Courtney Thorne Smith.  So instead of learning how Jim will deal with Cheryl's new house safety rules, many will be learning about Hillary and Mitt are dealing with John and Barack.  Could this signal a resurgence of broadcast journalism?  Or perhaps just recognition that The Biggest Loser: Couples was totally going to kick their ass anyway?

Gossip Girl: The rape and murder of Manhattan

By now, no doubt, you’ve seen the most important TV show about Manhattan ever. You Tivo’d it or you DVR’d it or picked it up off of your favorite torrent client. (You watched it live? Retro!) And having viewed it, hopefully you’ve marked the date in your calendar to remember forever the day. The day Manhattan died.

Denuded by Gossip Girl, the city becomes the Plain Jane of cities. Locations become irrelevant and interchangeable. Mentions of Henri Bendel or Bergdorf, formerly fab and now more generically aspirational carry little weight or nuance. The Palace Hotel is likewise a broad concept of luxury free of the burden of history or character.

MOTV: Melissa virexed

Do you ever think about words?  Like not the ones that people actually use but the one on the TV?  Like "penultimate".  Was someone all, like, writing and whatever and thinking, "This is the second to last pen I will ever need," or something?  Yeah, words are hard.  And so's thinking.  Which is why I love Pussycat Dolls Present:  The Search for the Next Doll Buttaface Dogs Present:  The Search for the Next Dog.  It's not like words or thinking.

The biggest twist happ ...   The episode begins wi ...  I ... Um ... No ... I am stronger than this.  Look inside and find your voice ... Do it ... C'mon.  Oh. God. NO. 

I submit.  I submit to the almighty ability of Ken Mok.  As he as done with America's Next Top Model, Executive Producer Ken Mok has yet again put together an overwhelmingly mediocre television show with seemingly hopeless people striving for a life outsize to their own.  Yet again, assorted personalities are on the screen and with mild layers of juxtaposition and polarization.

You see, call it a sea change, but if Biracia Asia doesn't win this thing I'm going to be furious!

MOTV: Euthanastacia

It's like a mind puzzle this show.  Just when you think something is happening, it isn't.  And things you don't know about or are maybe you just aren't smart enough to understand?  Those. Things. Are. Happening.  Pussy Cat Dolls Present:  The Search for the Next Doll Buttaface Dogs Present:  The Search for the Next Dog is like a master class in televisiography.

First off the girls remember Mariconha one last time and talk about how the house is different without her.  Then Anastacia starts binging on vegetables and Chelsea accuses her of starving herself, even though she's sitting there with three plates of veggies in front of her.  Anastacia says the girls are angry because they are midgets. 

Suddenly, they do that routine they always do before the first commercial where they watch a video where each of the Pussycat Dogs says a word repeatedly and then one of the Buttaface Dolls magically appears and says that word in person.  This week the word is "style".  Anastacia freaks out because she likes to wear old tee shirts, something she'll never be able to do again if she wins. 

Luckily for her the show is not about style.  Or Mariconha, or binginging, or vegetables, or style or anything else they spent the past fifteen minutes talking about.  It's about how damn tall she is.

MOTV: Hungry Hungry Hippos

This recap is as hard for me to write as it will be for you to read.  Because I'm worried about whose gonna' win Pussy Cat Dolls Present:  The Search for the Next Doll Buttaface Dogs Present:  The Search for the Next Dog.  I can't see myself sleeping tonight without a Doan's Back Pain Extra Strength.  It's all stressful wandering who will be the next Buttaface Dog.

One of the reasons is that the backstorying is now out of control.  Melissa S. is worried that she has been in the bottom two twice in a row.  All of a sudden, Anastacia has this disorder where she, without warning, eats.  Mariconha can't sing; Chelsea can't dance.  And Melissa R.?  Well, I'm getting ahead of myself, but you'll see all about Melissa R.

MOTV: Cannon cannot. Fodder?

Are you feeling the realness all the way deep inside?  The girls on Pussycat Dolls Present: The Search for the Next Doll Buttaface Dogs Present:  The Search for the Next Dog sure are.  But before this recap/homage can even be typed out a proper shout has to go outward to the man on the production team it is to blur out buttcrack.  Because never in the history of television has so much coinslot been so blurred so perfectly so as to still honor the crack without actually exposing the hole thing!  Technology gets a lot of credit, but there are artists at work here.

This week an unnamed Buttaface Dog visits the girl.  (Like, she has a name, but she's like one of the one's that'll never go solo, so it's okay to forget her name.  Like I totally did.)   Then she leaves.  And is  never mentioned again.

Anyway Robin Antin thinks of an innovative  thing to do that she also did last week which is divide the girls into teams of equal numbers.  Which she can't do next week becausing there will be seven girls.  Unless she just tells one of them that they're going to win anyway and that she can just hang out with her for the week.  Anyway the girls have to do these songs from the 1970s.  Heartbreaker is by Pat Benatar and will be 'performed' by Sizzly, Cannon, Chelsea, and Melissa This.  Free Your Mind is by En Vogue is will be 'performed' by Anastacia, Biracia, Fodder, and Melissa That.

Immediately it is decided that Fodder and Chelsea will be this episodes weak links because Fodder doesn't sing and Chelsea doesn't dance.  And neither one menstruates.  The backup weak links are Cannon because she is invisible and Sizzly because she is so so so punk rock.  Sizzly bursts in to tears to get ahead in the backstoying.

And then Robin thinks of something that she'd seen on another reality show that she can use to promote her brother at the same time.  Her brother with the matching chin is brought in to create new looks for the girls and the changes are mind-numbing.  Straight hair goes curly.  Curly goes straight. Cat chases dog!  It's wuh-to-the-ild!

After the makeover, the girls are taken to a 'club' to hang out with Lil Kim, who isn't asian despite her surname.    And Sizzly cries again because she wants to rehearse and to hang out with Chelea because she has bangs in her hair now.

Noticing Sizzly getting ahead in the important crying category, Mariela Fodder and Melissa That catch up during the challenge.  Upon hearing her own voice, Fodder is so disgusted her tears flow easy.  Same up with Melissa when Ron Fair tells her she wins which reminds her that she exists and makes her happy.

Finally the girls go to the final competition where the girls are introduced to Robin Antin, Ron Fair, and Lil Kim since they might have forgotten them since speaking to them last night.  The three judges do their best to talk during the 'performances'.  The girls are then commented upon by the judges with Robin providing generic platitudes, Ron giving a straightforward analysis, and then Kim saying, "I have to agree with Ron."

As Fodder is told and advised to that she is not strippery enough to be a Buttahface Dog, she decides that she will take the experience with her for the rest of her life, as she contacted herpes from the toilet seat.

MOTV: All these Melissas are confusing

The surprises just keep coming on Pussycat Dolls Present: The Search for the Next Doll Buttaface Dogs Present:  The Search for the Next Dog.  Just like last week, the amazingly spiritual and inspirational and stiff-jawed Robyn Antin proved yet again that she is not her brother Jonothan Antin from Blowout Job as she moved all of the contestants into an IKEA showroom.  None of the contestants on her brother's show ever lived in something like that before.  Also making it the most different show ever, the girls received their TyraMail and 1)wasn't from Tyra and 2)they were not forced with the challenge of reading as the mail was in video form.  Lucky dogs!

Once the girls secured cots to throw their bras and short-shorts under, they immediately began their backstorying.  Chelsea out backstoried from the getgo reminding the producers and the audience that she was once so obese she had to be airlifted out of her home.  And Sizzly reminder that Buttaface Dogging was hard for her as she is so so so so punk rock.  And Biracia cried because her infant daughter called her and she just knew that she could not afford the long distance charges.

The girls were then split into three groups that would have to perform at a strip club later that day.  One group would sing and dance to a song about insanity.  Another about getting the runs and the last would sing about twelve-step programs.  And although each song was different they would all have to use the same three dance steps repeatedly:  hip thrust, boob shake, and arm flail.

As the girls studied with a castrato man and a "sexy" dance coach, one girl was picked from each group to appear as weak so that the dramatic effect would be there.  And just when you would think that they would be given time to practice, a huge twist is thrown at them:  dinner.  The girls drink and eat and drink with Robin, not Jonothan, Antin and the "sexy" dance coach.  Suddenly, Robin starts to slur out a speech about how sexiness is confidence and confidence is sexiness and buttafacedness is confidence and therefore sexiness and strippers are confidness and now the girls have to be strippers.  Yes, they were having dinner at a strip club.  And the girl giving the best strip show, after eating a whole meal and getting drunk?  Immunized from disease and elimination during tomorrows competition. 

Biracia gets immunized and cries because her daughter has cholera.

The next night the girls go to the Buttaface Doghouse on the Sunset Strip to give another strip show, this time in their rehearsed groups.  The three weak links are noticed for their weaklinkedness by special guest judge Foxy Kim, who is watching the show via video feed from Rykers Island.  Providing special irony is Lil Brown's judgement of their musical abilities.  No one saw that coming.  Also, as a special treat, the girls perform with no reverb or digital remastering so they sound just like a Pussycat Doll would if they didn't have the love of God and technology on their side.

In the end, Robin lines the girls up and uses her catch-phrase "Congratulations" (which she should trademark) to announce the winners.  Backstorica is told to get the fuck out because her name is Backstorica and she didn't cry or talk about her hardships enough.  All she did was hump and sing and that just won't cut it to be a Buttaface Dog.  In her exit interview, she says "Everything happens for a reason."  Something I had never thought of previously, but she is right and the reason is that she sucked.

MOTV: Buttaface Dogs Present: Who will be the next Dog?

Tonight was the very special debutation of the new Buttaface Dog show on the CW (Creepy Women?) Network.  For those of you not knowing, the Buttaface Dogs are major internatural supermegastars.  They are the most commercialized singers and dancers ever.  Their hits are including "Don't You Fear Your Daughter Is a Slut Like Me?" and "Dontcha Wish Your Girlfriend Would Squat and Pee" and "Don't You Sum-thin Sum-thin Syll-a-ble Ba-by".  They are the inspiration and the light to a generation of undersexualized she-whores.  Pope Benedict MMVII caught their act at the Hooters in Vatican City and loved them.

Because one of the Buttaface Dogs is suffering from syphilitic dementia, this show will find a new girl with amazing singing, dancing, and backstorying abilities.  The show is a cross between America's Idle, American Next Top Module, and Cops.  Brought together by Buttaface founder, Sisterofjonathon Antin, the girls come from all over the world including New Jersey and Pennsylvania.

The competitors include:

• Sizzly, 25, from Long Beach, California.  Sizzly's backstory is that she is a punk.  She is wild and crazy.  When all her friends are going to Claire's Accessories, she is all like, "Funk y'all biotches.  I'll be at Things Remembered, fools.  PUNK ROCK!"  She probably has an addiction or a disease.  Hopefully she will wear punk rock makeup that will smear when she cries a lot.
• Biracia, 18, from Mt. Vernon, New York.  Biracia will prove to be a contender as she will fill many racial slots.  If necessary, she can also fill in for storylines requiring Jewish, Native American, Height Challenged, and Hair Straightened peoples.  Her singing and dancing is very much inspired by Billy Holiday, a boy she met at the Chanel Outlet.
• Anastacia, 23, from West Hollywood, California.  Anastacia represents the dreams of many in West Hollywood to save up their money for the hormones, tits, nose, and privacy parts to pass as a real girl.  The daughter of a Russian tsar, Anastacia has starred in a Disney movie where she was very animated.  Never talk badly about her hair as it will kill you.
• Chelsea, 20, from Cooper City, Florida.  Chelsea is the daughter of Hillary Clinton and, theoretically, Bill Clinton.  She has lots of phone calls from her mom who is all, campaign stop this and fund raiser that.  And she's all, like, hanging up the phone and calling her friends Barbara and Heffa Bush trying to get them to become Buttaface Dogs too.
• Backstorica, 20, from Philadelphia, Pennsylania.  Backstorica used to be fat and is from a poor family.  Her mother and she lived in a shoe with her mother's fifteen other children.  She has three children and a dog with dyslexia.  She just found a lump.  The other girls look up to her because she is truly, truly an inch taller than the rest of them.
• Melissa R. and Melissa S., 18 and 24, are from Cypress, California and Toronto, Canada.  They are the most unique girls because they have the exact same name.  This is the first time in history that this has ever happened.  When they first met they cried because of their special bond.  Their mother is Melissa Etheridge and their fathers are Ladan and Laleh Bijani.  They are not related to the Melissa Virus.
• The two other girls are named Cannon and Fodder.  They are on the show only to be eliminated early while the storylines of the other girls are developed.  They are both from Teaneck, NJ.  They have previously been eliminated in the first rounds of Survivor, The Apprentice, Deal or No Deal, Gay Straight or Taken, and the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show.

This weak's episode was a semi-final that saw nine girls elimated from the earth.  A special challenge was presented as half of the girls were poisoned with polonium-210 by the evil gay choreographer.  All of the girls chose not to hold back the hair of their fellow competitors, thinking that this stategy of having the other girls dancing with chunks in their hair would be effective.  Luckily the rapish looking vocal coach was there to stroke the girls egos and other parts.

In the end, a very special celebatry judge was brought in - Nicole Scherzinger, the lead singer of the Buttaface Dogs.  Everybody was shocked as how this busy and powerful woman could be found to do this show, but then realized that this was the hugeness of their task.  Wow.  Even the show's host, Billy Bush was shocked.

With just eight weeks to go, the girls must develop their backstorying abilities to become the next Buttaface Dog.  They will go strenuous pole-dancing, lip-synching, and fireworks-avoiding regimens.  They will learn to thank Jesus and God on a stage and have a photo shoot for Stuff magazine.  And all the while, just like you and me, the whole world will be on their edge of their collective seat, watching and wondering, "Who will be the next Buttaface Dog?"  Pussycat Dolls  Robin Antin

Channel flip

Channels are flipping in response to disparate numbers being punched into the remote.  The number 5 yields Randy Jackson of American Idol addressing an unfortunately dressed, not unattractive guy wearing an incredibly unfortunate hat:

"Man, you did great.  You added your originality to that song.  You did things that Jamiroquai never did.  Things if he saw you doing them probably wishes he did."

The voice inside beckons, "let it slide," but this Jackson character is supposed to be in the industry and surely should know that Jamiroquai is a band and not a man.  Surely he knows that the band is not an eponym of its lead singer, whose name is Jason Kay, by the way.  And although they are not the hugest of groups in the world and although  it is not as bad as a young Avril Lavigne mispronouncing the name "David Bowie" on a Grammy Awards stage, it is an indication of the status of American pop culture. 

The next remote button is "System Power".
Then iTunes is started in concert with LastFM of course).
And Hot Chip and Ratatat are played.